DAILY CHRONICLE # 18 VOL 10

 

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 18 VOL 10

 

MAY 18^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; HOT, HI-HUMIDITY, 58/85 DEGREES

 

I’VE HAD TWO THINGS TAKE PLACE IN THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS THAT I FIGURED WOULD MAKE PRETTY GOOD READING!

 

ON SATURDAY I WATCHED A BLACK CARPENTER ANT LIFT, PUSH AND PULL PART OF A FLOWER BUD AROUND OUR DECK! THE ANT IS ABOUT ½ INCH LONG, THE PIECE OF FLOWER BUD IT WAS LUGGING AROUND WAS ATLEAST 2 ½ INCHES LONG! IT PULLED THE FLOWER PART ACROSS 5-6 2X6 PLANKS, THERE ARE SPACES BETWEEN THEM FROM 1/8^TH INCH TO ½ INCH, IT DIDN’T EVEN SLOW THE ANT DOWN. AT ONE TIME THE FLOWER PART FELL THROUGH A CRACK BUT THE ANT FOUGHT TO PULL IT BACK UP ON THE DECK, ANOTHER TIME THE ANT AND THE FLOWER PART DISAPEARED DOWN BETWEEN THE PLANKS AND I FIGURED IT FELL TO THE GROUND BUT, THEN I NOTICED THE ANT PULLING THE FLOWER PART UP TO THE DECK SURFACE, IT HAD GONE UNDER ONE OF THE PLANKS AND CRAWLED UPSIDE DOWN TO THE NEXT SPACE HOLDING ON TO THE FLOWER PART! EVENTUALLY IT WENT THROUGH A CRACK AND I ASSUME IT WENT TO THE ANT HILL WITH ITS PRIZE!

 

I WOULD VENTURE TO SAY IT WOULD BE LIKE A 200 LB. MAN CARRING AN 80 LB BAG OF SACKCRETE UP AND DOWN THE SIDE OF A BUILDING THEN UNDER A WOODEN FLOOR CRAWLING ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES HOLDING ON TO THE SACKCRETE AND HOLDING HIMSELF TO THE UNDERSIDE OF THE FLOOR SO HE DIDN’T FALL! IMPOSSIBLE YOU SAY! NOT TO THAT ANT, SUCH A SHOW OF STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION I HAVE NEVER WITNESSED BEFORE BUT, IT’S ALL AROUND US EVERY DAY!

 

THE NEXT THING WAS WATCHING A HUMMING BIRD FEED AT OUR FEEDERS, THEN FLY AWAY ONLY TO RETURN TIME AND AGAIN FOR MORE ENERGY DRINK! I JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING AT THE RIGHT TIME TO SEE THAT IT HAD A NEST IN A BROKEN LIMB THAT IS HANGING DOWN AT THE SIDE OF THE CEDER TREE!

 

USUALLY THEY FLY AWAY FROM THEIR NEST TO FOOL OTHER BIRDS AND PREDITORS ABOUT WHERE THE NEST IS! MOM GOT ME THE BINOCULARS AND SHE GOT HER CAMERA! I FIGURED OUT JUST WHAT CROOK OF THE BRANCHES THE NEST IS IN AND KEPT THE BINOCULARS HANDY, THEN THERE IT WAS AT OUR FEEDER AND WHEN IT FLEW IT HEADED AWAY FROM THE NEST BUT CAME BACK IN ABOUT 2-3 MINUTES FOR MORE DRINK, AGAIN IT FLEW AWAY FROM THE NEST BUT IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES I CAUGHT THE MOVEMENT OF IT AT THE NEST! THE LITTLE THINGS FLY SO FAST YOU CAN’T TRACK THEM. I PICKED UP THE BINOCULARS AND FOCUSED THEM WOW, WHAT A SIGHT, IT WAS SETTING ON THE NEST PREENING ITS FEATHERS AND LOOKING AROUND, ANY TIME IT LOOKED UP YOU COULD SEE THE BRIGHT RUBY THROAT FEATHERS. IT HAS A WHITE BAND AROUND THE NECK SEPERATING THE RUBY COLOR FROM THE BODY, A GREEN BACK AND A GRAY UNDER BELLY WITH BLACK AND WHITE SPOTTED WINGS! MOM GOT SOME GOOD PICTURES WITH HER DIDGITAL CAMERA, SHE MAGNAFIED ONE TO 8X AND YOU CAN SEE IT REAL GOOD! THE BIRD SENSES NO ONE WILL HURT IT IS WHY IT FLEW AROUND FOR ALMOST AN HOUR! WE ASSUME IT LOADED UP ON DRINK AND WENT IN FOR THE NIGHT!  WE’LL WATCH SOME MORE TOMORROW, THERE’S ALSO AN ALL GRAY HUMMER THAT ONLY MADE ONE APPEARANCE, MAYBE IT’LL GET BRAVER TOMORROW, THEY CHASE EACH OTHER AROUND THE POST ON THE DECK BUT THE GRAY ONE REALLY KEEPS ITS DISTANCE, I’VE ONLY SEEN IT A FEW TIMES THIS YEAR! IT HAS A LONG CURVED BEAK AND I THINK IT’S ONE CALLED “THE LUCIFER!”

 

I GOT THE “HANDY CAPPED” LICENSE PLATE ON THE INTREPID, WE HAVE ONE ON THE ACCLAIM ALSO! NOW WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR KELLY TO DO THE STRUTS, SHOCKS AND SERVICE THE TRANSMISSION!

 

HERE’S A FEW MORE FUNNYS FOR YOU!

 

 

SUBJECT: LAWYERS!

THESE ARE FROM A BOOK CALLED DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS, AND ARE THINGS PEOPLE ACTUALLY SAID IN COURT, WORD FOR WORD, TAKEN DOWN AND NOW PUBLISHED BY COURT REPORTERS WHO HAD THE TORMENT OF STAYING CALM WHILE THESE EXCHANGES WERE ACTUALLY TAKING PLACE.
>
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: WHAT GEAR WERE YOU IN AT THE MOMENT OF THE IMPACT?
> WITNESS: GUCCI SWEATS AND REEBOKS.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: THIS MYASTHENIA GRAVIS, DOES IT AFFECT YOUR MEMORY AT ALL?
> WITNESS: YES.
> ATTORNEY: AND IN WHAT WAYS DOES IT AFFECT YOUR MEMORY?
> WITNESS: I FORGET.
> ATTORNEY: YOU FORGET? CAN YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING YOU FORGOT?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOUR HUSBAND SAID TO YOU THAT MORNING?
> WITNESS: HE SAID, 'WHERE AM I, CATHY?'
> ATTORNEY: AND WHY DID THAT UPSET YOU?
> WITNESS: MY NAME IS SUSAN!
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR DAUGHTER HAS EVER BEEN INVOLVED IN VOODOO?
> WITNESS: WE BOTH DO.
> ATTORNEY: VOODOO?
> WITNESS: WE DO.
> ATTORNEY: YOU DO?
> WITNESS: YES, VOODOO.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: NOW DOCTOR ISN'T IT TRUE THAT WHEN A PERSON DIES IN HIS SLEEP, HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT IT UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING?
> WITNESS: DID YOU ACTUALLY PASS THE BAR EXAM?
> __________________________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: THE YOUNGEST SON, THE TWENTY-YEAR-OLD, HOW OLD IS HE?
> WITNESS: UH, HE'S TWENTY.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: WERE YOU PRESENT WHEN YOUR PICTURE WAS TAKEN?
> WITNESS: ARE YOU "FUCKING" WITH ME?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: SO THE DATE OF CONCEPTION (OF THE BABY) WAS AUGUST 8TH?
> WITNESS: YES.
> ATTORNEY: AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT THAT TIME?
> WITNESS: UH.... I WAS GETTIN' LAID!
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: SHE HAD THREE CHILDREN, RIGHT?
> WITNESS: YES.
> ATTORNEY: HOW MANY WERE BOYS?
> WITNESS: NONE.
> ATTORNEY: WERE THERE ANY GIRLS?
> WITNESS: ARE YOU "SHITING" ME?  YOUR HONOUR, I THINK I NEED A DIFFERENT ATTORNEY. CAN I GET A NEW ATTORNEY?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: HOW WAS YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE TERMINATED?
> WITNESS: BY DEATH.
> ATTORNEY: AND BY WHOSE DEATH WAS IT TERMINATED?
> WITNESS: NOW WHOSE DEATH DO YOU SUPPOSE TERMINATED IT?

> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE INDIVIDUAL?
> WITNESS: HE WAS ABOUT MEDIUM HEIGHT AND HAD A BEARD
> ATTORNEY: WAS THIS A MALE OR A FEMALE?
> WITNESS: GUESS.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: IS YOUR APPEARANCE HERE THIS MORNING PURSUANT TO A DEPOSITION NOTICE WHICH I SENT TO YOUR ATTORNEY?
> WITNESS: NO, THIS IS HOW I DRESS WHEN I GO TO WORK.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: DOCTOR, HOW MANY OF YOUR AUTOPSIES HAVE YOU PERFORMED ON DEAD PEOPLE?
> WITNESS: ALL MY AUTOPSIES ARE PERFORMED ON DEAD PEOPLE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPHRASE THAT?
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL YOUR RESPONSES MUST BE ORAL, OK? WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO?
> WITNESS: ORAL.
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: DO YOU RECALL THE TIME THAT YOU EXAMINED THE BODY?
> WITNESS: THE AUTOPSY STARTED AROUND 8:30 P.M.
> ATTORNEY: AND MR. DENTON WAS DEAD AT THE TIME?
> WITNESS: NO, HE WAS SITTING ON THE TABLE WONDERING WHY I WAS DOING AN AUTOPSY ON HIM!
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO GIVE A URINE SAMPLE?
> WITNESS: HUH....ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO ASK THAT QUESTION?
> _________________________________________________________
>
>
>
> AND THE BEST FOR LAST:
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: DOCTOR, BEFORE YOU PERFORMED THE AUTOPSY, DID YOU CHECK FOR A PULSE?
> WITNESS: NO.
> ATTORNEY: DID YOU CHECK FOR BLOOD PRESSURE?
> WITNESS: NO.
> ATTORNEY: DID YOU CHECK FOR BREATHING?
> WITNESS: NO.
> ATTORNEY: SO, THEN IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THE PATIENT WAS ALIVE WHEN YOU BEGAN THE AUTOPSY?
> WITNESS: NO.
> ATTORNEY: HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE, DOCTOR?
> WITNESS: BECAUSE HIS BRAIN WAS SITTING ON MY DESK IN A JAR.
> ATTORNEY: I SEE, BUT COULD THE PATIENT HAVE STILL BEEN ALIVE, NEVERTHELESS?
> WITNESS: YES, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT HE COULD HAVE BEEN ALIVE AND PRACTICING LAW.

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #17 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 17 VOL 10

 

MAY 17^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; WARM, MED HUMIDITY, 47/86 DEGREES

 

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET DICKS “LIMB CHIPPER” BUT HE AND COLLEEN WENT TO A CAR SHOW AT BEVERS BEND UP IN OKLAHOMA SO I GUESS WE’LL GET IT TOMORROW! WE’VE GOT A BIG PILE OF CEDER BRANCHES AND LIMBS MOM WANTS TO MAKE INTO MULCH FOR HER GARDEN

 

SHE AND I WORKED OUTSIDE TODAY SHE MOWED THE YARD AND DID A GENERAL PICK UP OF ITEMS LEFT ON THE LAWN BY THE KIDS! KELLY MOVED AN A/C PLUG FROM UNDER THE DECK AND I MOUNTED IT TO ONE OF THE 4X4s THAT SUPPORTS THE ROOF!

 

 MOM BOUGHT A BREAD MAKING MACHINE FROM SALVATION ARMY AND THE PADDLE WAS STUCK TO THE SHAFT SO I WORKED IT LOSE THEN AFTER CLEANING EVERYTHING UP SHE MADE A LOAF OF BREAD! IT LOOKS GOOD FROM THE BOTTOM BUT SHE SAYS IT’S NO GOOD ON TOP! SOMETHING WENT WRONG SO SHE’LL MAKE ANOTHER LOAF TOMORROW!

 

KELLY HAD A BIG FIRE GOING BURNING BRANCHES  THE WIND HAD KNOCKED OFF THE TREES AND SOME OLD ROTTEN LUMBER! HE WENT TO MOVE A BOARD THAT DIDN’T LOOK LIKE IT HAD BURNED BUT WHEN HE PICKED IT UP IT WAS RED HOT ON THE BOTTOM AND BURNED HIS FINGERS PRETTY BAD! HE’S BEEN DOCTORING THEM ALL DAY! ANY TIME MOM OR I DO ANYTHING WITH OLD WOOD, RUSTY METAL AND THINGS AROUND A FIRE WE USE A METAL RAKE WE HAVE WITH A PIPE HANDLE AND WE ALWAYS WEAR GLOVES!

 

HERE’S A REPORT FROM PEGGY ON LAST WEEKS RACE AT BAKERSFIELD, CA. THOUGHT SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED!

 

WELL, IT PICK-UP A LITTLE MORE.  FIRST TIME TRIAL GOT A 1.71 60 FT, AND RAN 12.83 AT 99MPH.  I ONLY GOT THE ONE TIME TRIAL SO WENT INTO ELIMINATIONS WITH A 12.80 DIAL.  I FIGURED THAT WOULD BE SUFFICIENT.  RAN 12.71, 1.70 60FT AT 100.91MPH...AND I AM GETTING BETTER ON THE TRANSBRAKE I ONLY RED LIT BY .015 THIS TIME...NEEDLESS TO SAY I LOST.  SO THE CAR IS NOW RUNNING LIKE A BAD DAY AT LACR!  WE HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE IT TO R&E RACING AND PUT IT ON THE DYNO.  SEE WHAT HAPPENS THERE.

 

HERE’S SOME INTERESTING FACTS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN

 

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

 

 

---

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

 

 

---

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

 

---

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

 

---

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)



(I'm still not over the pig)

 

 

---

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

 

 

---

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


('Honey, I'm home. What the..?!')

 

 

---

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 

 

---

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)  

---

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.



(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)

 

 

---

Butterflies taste with their feet

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

 

---

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm....)

 

 

---

Right-handed people live, an average, nine years longer than left-handed people.



(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

 

---

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

 

 

---

A cat's urine glows under a black light.


(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

 

 

---

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

 

 

---

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

 

 

---

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

 

 

---

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

 

 

---

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. < /SPAN>
In other words, send it to everyone ! 

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #16 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 16 VOL 10

 

MAY 16^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; NICE, LOW HUMIDITY, 50/77 DEGREES

 

MOM AND I WORKED STRAIGHTENING UP THE DECK TODAY I PUT UP 4 HOME MADE FLOWER POT HOLDERS ON 4 OF THE 4X4 POST THAT SUPPORTS THE ROOF! MOM BROUGHT THE GLASS TOP TABLE BACK OUT AND WE GOT READY TO PUT THE MARBLE TOPPED ROUND TABLE BACK IN THE DINNING AREA! WHEN WE MOVED IT OUT WE COVERED IT WITH A PLASTIC COVER BUT IT LEAKED AND THE OUTSIDE MOULDING SEPERATED WHERE IT’S DOWLED AND PUT TOGETHER, WE HOPE WHEN IT REALLY DRIES OUT IT’LL GO BACK TOGETHER! IF IT DOESTN’T I’LL USE A PIPE CLAMP OR RATCHETING TIE DOWN STRAPS TO PULL IT BACK INTO SHAPE!

 

AFTER 2PM WE WENT TO TOWN AND PICKED UP SOME GROCERIES AND TO AUTO-ZONE TO GET THE FUEL PRESSURE REGULATOR, I TOOK THE OLD ONE OFF AND WAS TRYING TO GET THE NEW ONE INSTALLED BUT I JUST DON’T HAVE ENOUGH STRENGTH IN MY HANDS SO MOM TRIED TO START THE 5/16^TH HOLD DOWN BOLT BUT SHE WAS HAVING PROBLEMS SO KELLY FINISHED THE JOB! I TOOK THE CAR OUT AND ROAD TESTED IT FROM 0 TO 90 MPH, NOT A BOBBLE, EVERYTHING IS WORKING GOOD, I JUST WONDER HOW LONG THE OLD REGULATOR HAD BEEN LEAKING? IT NEVER SQUIRTED GAS WHEN I REMOVED THE VACUMM LINE AND RAN THE ENGINE BUT WHEN I LEFT THE LINE ON AND PULLED IT AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR AT LEAST A TEA SPOON OF GAS RAN OUT. NOW WE CAN TAKE THE EGR VALVE ASSY. BACK FOR A REFUND AND PICK UP A SET OF HUB CAPS!

 

THE NEXT THING WILL BE THE STRUTS, SHOCKS AND SERVICE THE TRANSMISSION, WE’VE PUT 175 MILES ON IT SINCE THIS TRANSMISSION WAS PUT IN SO NOW I THINK IT’S TIME TO CHANGE  THE FILTER AND FLUID!

 

I TALKED TO TIM TODAY AND HE SAID THE PLUMBER UNPLUGGED THE SEWER LINE, THEY FOUND A SOFT PLUG THAT WENT ON THROUGH WHEN THEY BROKE IT LOSE! THEN THEY WERE USING A SPECIAL TOOL ON THEIR AUGAR THAT WAS CLEANING THE INSIDE OF THE PIPE WHEN ONE OF THE BLADES GOT JAMMED IN THE WALL OF THE PIPE AND BROKE OFF THE TOOL HEAD. NOW THEY’RE GOING TO TEAR UP THE KITCHEN, HALL AND LINNEN CLOSET FLOORS TO GET THIS BLADE OUT THEN REPLACE ABOUT 12 FEET OF PIPE! THE PLUMBER TOLD TIM HE DIDN’T WANT ANY SOLID WASTE GOING IN THE PIPE AND IF NECESSARY THEY’RE TO USE THE MASTER BATHROOM WHICH EVIDENTLY BY PASSES THE PART WHERE THE BLADE IS STUCK! TIM SAID THE INSURANCE COMPANY IS GOING TO PUT THEM UP IN A LOCAL HOTEL WHILE THIS IS DONE, ABOUT 3-4 DAYS!

 

I TALKED TO MY BROTHER JERRY TODAY AND ALSO LAST NIGHT, EVERYTHING OK OUT NEVADA WAY, HE SAID THEY HAD A BIG BAR-B-QUE ON SATURDAY IN HONOR OF MOTHERS DAY AND SOME OF HIS KIDS SHOWED UP! A MAHONEY NEVER MISSES OUT ON FREE FOOD, RIGHT JERRY? HE ALSO SAID THEY ARE EXPECTING 97 DEGREES TOMORROW WHICH IS UNUSUAL FOR THIS TIME OF YEAR!

 

WE SURE ARE GLAD WE STILL HAVE THE PLYMOUTH ACCLAIM, WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS WITH THE INTREPID WE WOULD HAVE BEEN GROUNDED WITHOUT IT! MOM SAY WE’RE GOING TO KEEP IT FOR A WHILE THEN PROBABLY SELL IT TO A RELATIVE, IT’S TO GOOD OF A CAR TO JUST SELL TO SOMEONE WHO WON’T APPRECIATE OR TAKE CARE OF IT! KELLY WILL CHANGE THE SEAL IN THE OIL PUMP AND SEE ABOUT FINDING THE LEAK IN THE POWER STEERING HOSES OR PUMP, I HAVE TO FILL IT EVERY 3-4 WEEKS SO IT’S NOT A BAD LEAK BUT, PROBABLY IN THE RETURN LINE OR THE PUMP IT SELF, MAYBE A SEAL?

 

RECENT QUIPS FROM LATE NIGHT

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS. WE JUST PASSED A BIG MILESTONE YESTERDAY. TRUE STORY  YESTERDAY WAS THE FIVE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S SPEECH IN FRONT OF THE 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED' BANNER. YEAH, TO CELEBRATE, TODAY, PRESIDENT BUSH GAVE A SPEECH IN FRONT OF A BANNER THAT SAID 'ECONOMIC RECESSION OVER.'" --CONAN O'BRIEN

"ACCORDING TO THE LATEST CNN POLL, PRESIDENT BUSH'S DISAPPROVAL RATING IS 71%. 71%. THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE, ISN'T IT? THAT 29% STILL APPROVE? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?" --JAY LENO

"IN ZIMBABWE, PRESIDENT ROBERT MUGABE HAS LOST THE ELECTION, BUT HE REFUSES TO STEP DOWN, SAYING HE STILL HAS A CHANCE TO WIN. THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH, MUGABE SAID HE GOT THIS IDEA FROM HILLARY CLINTON. APPARENTLY, IT'S A GOOD IDEA." --CONAN O'BRIEN

"BECAUSE OF WHERE JOHN MCCAIN WAS BORN, HE WAS BORN IN THE PANAMA CANAL ZONE, YOU KNOW, NOT IN THE UNITED STATES. THERE WAS A QUESTION AS TO WHETHER HE COULD LEGALLY BECOME PRESIDENT. YOU HAVE TO BE BORN HERE TO BECOME PRESIDENT. WELL, THIS WEEK, THE SENATE DECLARED MCCAIN IS ELIGIBLE TO BECOME PRESIDENT, AND LISTEN TO THIS, BECAUSE OF HIS AGE, ALSO ELIGIBLE TO BE A GREETER AT WAL-MART. SO THAT WORKED OUT GREAT FOR HIM." --JAY LENO

"SPEAKING OF HILLARY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS. ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE RIGHT NOW IS FOOTAGE OF HILLARY CLINTON TRYING TO MAKE HERSELF A CUP OF COFFEE, BUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GET THE MACHINE TO WORK. YEAH, WHEN HE SAW THE VIDEO, BILL CLINTON SAID, 'YEAH, SHE'S NOT VERY GOOD AT TURNING THINGS ON.'" --CONAN O'BRIEN

"A FEDERAL STUDY RELEASED TODAY SHOWS THAT PRESIDENT BUSH'S $1 BILLION-A-YEAR 'READING FIRST' PROGRAM HAS DONE NOTHING TO INCREASE THE READING SKILLS OF YOUNG STUDENTS. HOWEVER, HIS 'OIL COMPANY FIRST' PROGRAM IS GOING LIKE GANGBUSTERS." --JAY LENO

THIS IS FROM ME; I HEARD TODAY THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T WANT TO STOP PUTTING OIL INTO THE RESERVES TILL AUGUST! THEN IT WAS REPORTED THE RESERVES ARE ALREADY 95-97 % FULL! THE AMERICAN PEOPLE NEED THE HELP NOW TO WARD OFF THE POSSIBLE $4.00s A GALLON FOR GAS OR $4.28 A GALLON FOR DIESEL! UNLESS CONGRESS STOPS BUSH AND CHENEY BY IMPEACHING THEM BOTH THEY’RE GOING TO BANKRUPT OUR COUNTRY! REMEMBER THERE’S ONLY A  LITTLE TIME  LEFT TO ACCOMPLISH THIS! THEN, AFTER WHAT HE SAID ABOUT “APPEASING” HAMAS AND COMPARED IT TO WHAT WAS SAID ABOUT “APPEASING” HITLER BEFORE WWII STARTED!  THIS WAS SAID IN FRONT OF THE GROUP OF JEWS WHO KEEP THE HOLOCAST RECORDS!  WHAT MORE CAN YOU EXPECT FROM A MAN WHO ONLY HAS AN 80 I.Q.?

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #15 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 15 VOL 10

MAY 15^TH 2008

WEATHER; WARM, LOW HUMIDITY, 51/70 DEGREES

 

WE WENT TO BONHAM VA TODAY AND THE DOCTOR SAID MY LEG HAD NOT CHANGE SINCE HE LOOKED AT IT LAST! HE PRESCRIBED A DIFFERENT MEDICATION TO CLEAR IT UP IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS! WHILE WE WERE THERE I ASKED HIM TO ORDER ME A NEW 4 PRONG WALKING CANE WHICH HE DID SO WE WENT TO PROSTITICS AND PICKED IT UP!

 

WE LEFT BONHAM AND HEADED FOR SHERMAN TO GET RID OF THE CANS AND OTHER ALUMINUM WE HAD, THEN TO SALVATION ARMY WHERE MOM PICKS UP BOOKS AND LEAVES THEM PLASTIC SHOPPING BAGS WE ACCUMULATE!

WE LEFT THERE AND WENT TO AUTO-ZONE TO TAKE THE EGR VALVE WE GOT THE OTHER DAY BACK FOR CREDIT! I TOLD THEM IT WAS THE WRONG ONE BUT THEY WENT OUT TO THE CAR AND FOUND WHERE IT MOUNTS SO I WAS WRONG! WHAT WE THOUGHT WAS THE EGR VALVE IS IN FACT THE SOLONOID THAT OPERATES THE GAS RECOVERY CANISTER! THEN THE FRIEND THAT WE DEAL WITH THERE ASKED IF I MINDED IF HE WENT OUT AND RAN THE KEY CODES AND CHECKED ALL THE VACUMM HOSES FOR BREAKS AND WORN PLACES WHICH I SAID WOULD BE FINE! HE CAME BACK IN WITH THE LIST OF CODES AND SAID HE GOT GAS OUT OF THE VACUMM SIDE OF THE FUEL PRESSURE REGULATOR WHEN HE PULLED THE VACUMM LINE WHICH MEANS THE DIAPHRAM HAS A LEAK!

 

THIS COULD ACCOUNT FOR THE PROBLEM WERE HAVING WITH THE MISS ON ACCLERATION AND THE POPPING BACK THROUGH THE INTAKE, LOW OR NO FUEL PRESSURE MEANS THE INJECTORS CAN’T FIRE AND PUT FUEL IN THE CYLINDERS AT THE RIGHT TIME! NONE OF THE CODES SAID THIS TO BEGIN WITH BUT ONE OF THEM SAID TO CHECK THE FUEL PRESSURE REGULATOR FOR LEAKS IF YOU EXPERIENCE HARD STARTING AND HI-SPEED PROBLEMS BUT NEITHER ONE OF THESE WAS OUR PROBLEM SO WE ACCEPTED THE FUEL PRESSURE REGULATOR AS BEING GOOD! THANK GOD FOR “CLIFF”, HE’S NOT A MECHANIC BUT HAS WORKED FOR AUTO-ZONE FOR ABOUT 20 YEARS AND HAS EXPERIENCED ALL KINDS OF PROBLEMS WITH CUSTOMERS CARS!

 

WHEN KELLY GOT HOME I TOLD HIM WHAT “CLIFF” HAD FOUND AND HE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER BUT SAID HE’D CHANGE THE REGULATOR TOMORROW UNLESS I DO IT BEFORE HE GETS HOME, IT SETS RIGHT ON THE SIDE OF THE DRIVERS SIDE VALVE COVER!

 

OVERSEXED PARROTT

 

THIS MAN HAD A PARROTT HE BROUGHT HOME FROM THE ISLANDS WHEN HE WAS DISCHARGED FROM THE NAVY AFTER WWII! THE BIRD WAS A GOOD COMPANION FOR HIM SINCE HIS WIFE DIED 5 YEARS AGO! HE GOT HOME FROM PLAYING CHESS WITH SOME OF HIS BUDDIES ONE DAY AND WHEN HE WENT OUT TO GATHER THE EGGS FROM HIS LAYING HENS HE FOUND THEM ALL LYING DEAD IN THE YARD AND THE PARROTT STANDING THERE RUBBING ITS WINGS TOGETHER SAYING “WHOSE NEXT? COME ON GIRLS GET UP AND WE’LL GO AGAIN!”

THE MAN GRABBED THE PARROTT AND TOLD IT IF IT EVER DID THIS AGAIN HE’D STICK ITS HEAD IN BOILING WATER! THEN HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT 20 NEW LAYING HENS!

ABOUT 2 WEEKS LATER THE MAN GOT HOME FROM HIS CHESS GAME AND FOUND ALL 20 OF THE NEW LAYING HENS LAYING DEAD IN THE YARD AND THE PARROTT STANDING THERE RUBBING ITS WING TOGETHER SAYING”WHOSE NEXT? COME ON GIRLS GET UP AND WE’LL GO AGAIN!”

THE MAN GRABBED THE PARROTT AND TOOK IT IN THE HOUSE AND PUT A POT OF WATER ON TO BOIL AND WHEN IT REACHED A GOOD BOIL HE STUCK THE PARROTTS HEAD IN IT THEN PULLED ALL THE HEAD FEATHERS OUT AND SET THE PARROTT ON ITS PEARCH SAYING, “I WARNED YOU!”

THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY HE WAS IN CHURCH AND THEY WERE TWO USHERS SHORT SO HE WENT HOME AND GOT THE PARROTT, HE PUT THE PARROTT ON ITS PEARCH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE AND TOLD IT TO SAY “LADIES TO THE RIGHT GENTLEMAN TO THE LEFT”, ALL WAS GOING FINE WHEN 4 BALD MEN WALKED IN TOGETHER AND THERE WERE 4 WOMEN AHEAD OF THEM,   PARROTT YELLED OUT, “LADIES TO THE RIGHT AND YOU 4 CHICKEN F__KERS UP HERE WITH ME!

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #14 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 14 VOL 10

MAY 14^TH 2008

WEATHER; COOL, LOW HUMIDITY, 43/77 DEGREES

 

I TOOK THE INTREPID OUT THIS MORNING TO CHECK IF ANYTHING WAS DAMAGED WHEN THE COOLER LINE BLEW OFF THE FITTING ON THE RADIATOR! I DROVE A TOTAL OF 25 MILES AT SPEEDS FROM 0TO 80MPH AND EVERYTHING CHECKED OUT OK! THE ONLY THING I NOTICED WAS WHEN I HEADED OUT THE DRIVEWAY THE ENGINE POPPED BACK THROUGH THE INTAKE 2-3 TIMES THEN CLEARED UP! I HAVE TO ASSUME IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE EGR VALVE WHICH SHOULD BE CORRECTED WHEN WE CHANGE IT!

 

WE’LL TAKE IT TO BONHAM IN THE MORNING FOR MY APPOINTMENT AT THE VA! AFTER MY VISIT WE’LL GO TO SHERMAN, TX. TO GET RID OF SOME SCRAP METAL AND CANS THEN MAYBE OUT TO LATINIS TO WISH CHARLENE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND VISIT FOR A WHILE!

 

TIM’S APPOINTMENT WITH THE PLUMBER HAS BEEN PUT OFF TILL FRIDAY! HE TOLD ME HE GOT HIS TICKET TO NEW YORK IN JUNE! IF I DIDN’T TELL YOU, AMERICAN HEART ASSOCIATION IS SENDING HIM TO VIRGINIA FOR SOME COMPUTER UP DATING, I’M NOT SURE JUST WHAT BUT HE’LL BE DOING IT FOR CORPORATE AND OTHER PLACES!  ELYSE HAD TO TURN DOWN THE MOVE BACK TO “TRAIBLAZERS”, THEY WOULDN’T OFFER MORE THAN SHE’S MAKING ON HER PRESENT JOB SO SHE’S STAYING PUT FOR NOW!

 

HERE ARE A FEW THINGS TO BRIGHTEN UP YOUR DAY, I HOPE THEY WORK! THEY SURE MADE MINE BRIGHTER! HOWARD

 

IF YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY, REMEMBER IT COULD BE WORSE... 

 

 

 

 

SCROOL DOWN FOR MORE

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

HOWARD

DAILY CHRONICLE #13 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 13 VOL 10

 

MAY 13^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; WARM, HIGH HUMIDITY, 44/81 DEGREES

 

MOM LOADED THE INTREPID WITH BAGS OF CANS AND OTHER ALUMINUM TO TAKE TO THE SCRAP YARD, THEN WE WERE GOING TO GO PAY A BILL, THEN LUNCH, THEN HOME DEPOT, THEN SEARS TO GET A PRICE ON DOING THE STRUTS, SHOCKS AND ALIGNMENT, THEN TO WAL-MART FOR SOME CAT FOOD AND WASHER FLUID, I FOUND A 60 WATT A/M F/M CD PLAYER RADIO ON SALE FOR $49.88 SO WE BOUGHT IT, IT HAS THE ANTI THEFT FACE PLATE!

WELL, THE BEST LAID PLANS OF MICE AND MEN SOMETIMES DON’T WORK OUT OR, SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

 

 ANYWAY, WE GOT ON THE DAM AND I NOTICEDTHE HOOD WAS LOSE, I’D RELEASED THE LATCH TO PUT WASHER FLUID IN THE CONTAINER BUT WE WERE OUT OF THE FLUID AND I DIDN’T CLOSE THE HOOD TIGHT! AS WE SLOWED DOWN THE CAR STARTED TO JERK AND WHEN WE CAME TO A STOP SMOKE WAS COMING OUT FROM UNDER THE HOOD, MOM SAID SHE SMELLED HOT OIL SO I WAS GOING TO TURN AROUND AND HEAD BACK HOME BUT IT WOULDN’T PULL, ALL OF A SUDDEN IT JERKED AND PULLED ENOUGH TO GET TURNED AROUND AND EASE IT OFF THE DAM TO A PARKING PLACE! MOM CALLED GLENDA AND HAD HER COME AND PICK HER UP, I STAYED WITH THE CAR! MOM CAME BACK WITH THE ACCLAIM AND WE WENT AND TOOK CARE OF ALL THE THINGS WE WANTED TO DO!

 

WHEN KELLY GOT HOME HE AND GLENDA WENT TO THE CAR AND CHECKED IT OUT! ONE OF THE TRANSMISSION COOLER LINES HAD BLOWN OF THE FITTING ON THE RADIATOR, HE TIGHTENED THE CLAMP AND PUT FLUID IN IT AND DROVE IT BUT, IT WOULDN’T SHIFT OUT OF LOW SO HE RECHECKED THE FLUID LEVEL AND HAD TO ADD TWO MORE QUARTS! I’LL KNOW TOMORROW IF ANYTHING WAS DAMAGED!

 

SEARS WANTS $220.00 TO DO THE STRUTS AND SHOCKS THEN, $69.99 TO ALIGN IT. KELLY CAN’T DO THE ALIGNMENT BUT SAID HE WOULD DO THE STRUTS AND SHOCKS FOR $110.00 WHICH IS FINE WITH US AND HIM, WE JUST CREDIT IT TO WHAT HE OWES US FOR THE HOUSE, IT WORKS OUT JUST FINE! WE PAY HIM AND TIM FOR ALL THE MECHANICAL WORK THEY DO. ACTUALLY, WE PAY THEM FOR ANY BIG JOBS THEY DO, THE LITTLE STUFF IS A GIVEN!

 

I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM PEGGY ABOUT THE RACE LAST WEEKEND SO, I GUESS I’LL SEND HER AN E-MAIL AND FIND OUT!

 

TIM’S HAVING PLUMBING PROBLEMS AND IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOMEONE THERE TODAY WITH A PIECE OF EQUIPMENT TO FIND OUT WHERE THE PLUG/BREAK IS IN THE MAIN SEWER LINE IN THE SLAB? HE’S NOT GOING TO LET WHOEVER DOES THE JOB JUST BREAK THE SLAB UP WITH A JACK HAMMER, HE WANTS IT CUT DOWN EITHER SIDE OF THE PIPE WITH A CONCRETE SAW THEN THE CENTER BROKE OUT SO IT’LL BE EASIER TO REPAIR, GOOD THINKING!

 

I GO BACK TO BONHAM VA THURSDAY TO HAVE MY LEG CHECKED AGAIN! IT ISN’T GETTING ANY BETTER OR WORSE BUT IT’S SENSITIVE TO THE TOUCH, I WON’T TAKE ANYMORE OF THE ANTIBIOTICS THEY GAVE ME BECAUSE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS. I GOT SO WEAK I COULDN’T WALK DOWN MY RAMP, FORGET COMING BACK UP!

 

SHANNON AND KONNER WERE HERE FOR A VISIT SHANNON USED OUR VACUMM TO CLEAN HER CAR OUT! IT’S A TOYOTA AVALON AND IS A REAL CLEAN WELL KEPT USED CAR! SHE SAID HER A/C WAS ACTING UP SO SHE WAS TAKING IT BACK TO WHERE SHE BOUGHT IT, IT’S STILL UNDER WARANTEE!

 

CHEAP PARROT

A WOMAN WENT TO A PET SHOP AND IMMEDIATELY SPOTTED A LARGE, BEAUTIFUL PARROT. THERE WAS A SIGN ON THE CAGE THAT SAID $50.00. “WHY SO LITTLE” SHE ASKED THE PET STORE OWNER.

THE OWNER LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, “LOOK, I SHOULD TELL YOU FIRST THAT THIS BIRD USED TO LIVE IN A HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION AND SOMETIMES IT SAYS SOME PRETTY VULGAR STUFF.”

THE WOMAN THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, BUT DECIDED SHE HAD TO HAVE THE BIRD ANYWAY. SHE TOOK IT HOME AND HUNG THE BIRD’S CAGE UP IN HER LIVING ROOM AND WAITED FOR IT TO SAY SOMETHING.

THE BIRD LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM, THEN AT HER, AND SAID, “NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAM.”

THE WOMAN WAS A BIT SHOCKED AT THE IMPLICATION, BUT THEN THOUGHT, “THAT’S REALLY NOT SO BAD.”

WHEN HER TWO DAUGHTERS RETURNED FROM SCHOOL THE BIRD SAW AND SAID, “NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAM, NEW GIRLS.”

THE GIRLS AND THE WOMAN WERE A BIT OFFENDED BUT THEN BEGAN TO LAUGH ABOUT THE SITUATION CONSIDERING HOW AND WHERE THE PARROT HAD BEEN RAISED.

MOMENTS LATER, THE WOMAN’S HUSBAND ‘KEITH’ CAME HOME FROM WORK.

THE BIRD LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID,

“HI, KEITH!”

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #12 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 12 VOL 10

 

MAY 12^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; NICE, LOW HUMIDITY, 44/81 DEGREES

 

WE FINALLY GOT THE INTREPID RUNNING LIKE IT’S SUPPOSED TOO! AFTER ALL THE PROBLEMS AND THINGS WE TRIED THAT DIDN’T WORK AND I FOUND OUT TODAY THERE ISN’T ANYBODY IN THE BUSINESS WHO MAKES OR STOCKS A NEW HARNESS FOR V-6 INTREPIDS IF WE NEEDED ANOTHER ONE FOR WHATEVER REASON IT WAS GOING TO HAVE TO COME FROM A WRECKING YARD!

 

MOM AND I WENT DOWN TO THE CAR THIS MORNING AND CHECKED THE WIRES FROM THE CRANKSHAFT SENSOR TO THE COMPUTER, ONE WAS OK BUT TWO HAD NO CONTINUITY SO WE PUT IT ALL BACK TOGETHER AND PLUGGED THE PLUG INTO THE SENSOR AND I HIT THE STARTER, IT FIRED UP AND RAN BUT STILL HAD A MISS! WE DID SOME MORE CHECKING AND READING AND IT CAME DOWN TO A PLUGGED UP EGR VALVE SYSTEM. WHEN KELLY GOT HOME WE PULLED THE EGR VALVE AND TRANSDUER AND CLEANED THEM UP THEN PUT THEM BACK IN PLACE AND HIT THE STARTER! YOU NEVER HEARD A SWEETER RUNNING ENGINE, ALL THE WAY UP TO 5000 RPM, NOT A BOBBLE!

 

NOW WE CAN GO ON WITH THE SHOCKS, STRUTS AND ALIGNMENT AND SOME OTHER THINGS WE’VE HELD OFF ON TILL IT GOT   RUNNING LIKE IT SHOULD! WHAT A LOAD OFF OUR MIND!

 

THIS ONE’S GOING TO BE SHORT, I’M TIRED AND WHEN I’M LIKE THIS I CAN’T THINK GOOD ENOUGH TO WRITE ANYTHING WORTH READING EXCEPT ABOUT THE CAR, THAT WAS EASY SINCE WE’VE WORKED SO HARD AND LONG ON IT!

 

HERE’S SOMETHING FOR YOU TO LOOK AT, I HOPE IT COMES THROUGH!

 

Hey everyone this is a great website! Talk about bringing back memories!! Enjoy!

 

http://www.oldfortyfives.com/CarsWeDrove.htm

 

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD