HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE
NUMBER 17 VOL 13
SUNDAY; AUGUST 17TH 2008
WEATHER; WARM LOW HUMIDITY, 66/85 DEGREES
WELL, HE DID IT, MICHAEL PHELPS WON HIS 8TH OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL FOR THE UNITED STATES TODAY AND SET 7 NEW OLYMPIC WORLD RECORDS!
I WAS HEADED FOR A DAV MEETING IN DURANT, OK. THIS MORNING! MOM HAS BEEN DRIVING THE INTREPID ALL WEEK AND JUST HAD A SMALL PROBLEM WITH IT LOSING POWER ON HILLS! I HEADED OUT AND NOTICED IT WAS POPPING BACK THROUG THE INTAKE A LITTLE BUT, WHEN I GOT TO THE HILL ON OUR ROAD IT DID JUST FINE! IT DID FINE FOR THE NEXT 5 MILES TO COLBERT, OK. BUT WHEN I TURNED LEFT TO GET ON THE RAMP TO HWY 75 IT WENT TO HELL, I COULDN’T GET IT OVER 20MPH! I NURSED IT ON THE SHOULDER WITH THE 4 WAYS FLASHING FOR THE NEXT 2 MILES TO THE LOVE’S TRUCK STOP! THE GAS GAGE SHOWED ALMOST A ¼ OF A TANK AND IF IT WAS RIGHT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TO GET ME TO DURANT AND BACK HOME BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW CORRECT THIS GAGE IS SO I PUT $10.00 WORTH OF GAS IN! WHEN I STARTED TO PULL OUT IT WAS STILL ACTING UP SO I NURSED IT BACK HOMEAT 20-30 MPH!
KELLY IS SUPPOSED TO WORK ON IT SUNDAY, PUTTING THE NEW EGR VALVE IN AND THE TWO 02 SENSORS! I WAITED TILL THIS AFTERNOON THEN WENT OUT AND DID THE KEY CODES AND THESE TWO THINGS KEEP COMING UP; ONE 02 SENSOR READS TOO HIGH THE OTHER ONE TOO LOW!
THE BATTERY IN THE ACCLAIM IS FULLY CHARGED SO MOM IS GOING TO TAKE IT TO CHURCH! IT’LL BE OK AS LONG AS SHE DOESN’T RUN THE A/C OR LIGHTS WHICH SHE WON’T NEED BECAUSE THE TEMPERATURE IS GOING TO BE IN THE 60s AND IT’S ALREADY LIGHT OUT AT 7:30AM
IF PUTTING IN THESE NEW PARTS DOESN’T CURE THE PROBLEMS WITH THE INTREPID I’LL HAVE MONDAY TO GET THE ACCLAIM ALTERNATOR REPAIRED SO WE’LL HAVE A CAR TO GO TO MUSKOGEE, OK. FOR THE HEARING ON MY DISABILITY!
KELLY AND GLENDA HAD A SWIMMING PARTY TODAY, IT WAS HALEY JOs 5TH BIRTHDAY AND KELLY 10 ANNIVERSARY BEING OUT OF PRISON! HE’S REALLY DONE GOOD SINCE WE WENT AND PICKED HIM UP 10 YEARS AGO WHEN HE WAS RELEASED! HE SAYS HE NEVER WANTS TO HEAR THE STEEL DOOR SLAM BEHIND HIM AGAIN AND HE’S PROVED HE WON’T!
GARY AND CHARLENE LATINIS CAME OVER AFTER 5:00PM MASS AND WE WATCHED SOME OF THE OLYMPICS AND THE DALLAS COWBOYS PLAY ALSO, DALLAS LOST 17-20, DENVER HAD ITS FIRST SQUAD ON THE FIELD TILL LATE IN THE 3RD QUARTER! THANK GOD IT’S PRE SEASON! I’M SURE WADE PHILLIPS WILL WEED THE ROSTR DOWN AND WHEN THE SEASON STARTSWE’LL HAVE A “LEAN MEAN FIGHTING MACHINE” TO HEAD FOR THE SUPER BOWL!
HERE’S SOME JOKES FROM THE ARCAMAX FILES!
AREA 51
YOU'VE HEARD OF THE AIR FORCE'S ULTRA-HIGH-SECURITY, SUPER-SECRET BASE IN NEVADA, KNOWN SIMPLY AS "AREA 51?"
WELL, LATE ONE AFTERNOON, THE AIR FORCE FOLKS OUT AT AREA 51 WERE SURPRISED TO SEE A CESSNA LANDING AT THEIR "SECRET" BASE. THEY IMMEDIATELY IMPOUNDED THE AIRCRAFT AND HAULED THE PILOT INTO AN INTERROGATION ROOM.
THE PILOT'S STORY WAS THAT HE TOOK OFF FROM VEGAS, GOT LOST, AND SPOTTED THE BASE JUST AS HE WAS ABOUT TO RUN OUT OF FUEL. THE AIR FORCE STARTED A FULL FBI BACKGROUND CHECK ON THE PILOT AND HELD HIM OVERNIGHT DURING THE INVESTIGATION.
BY THE NEXT DAY, THEY WERE FINALLY CONVINCED THAT THE PILOT REALLY WAS LOST AND WASN'T A SPY. THEY GASSED UP HIS AIRPLANE, GAVE HIM A TERRIFYING "YOU-DID-NOT-SEE-A-BASE" BRIEFING, COMPLETE WITH THREATS OF SPENDING THE REST OF HIS LIFE IN PRISON, TOLD HIM VEGAS WAS THAT-A-WAY ON SUCH-AND-SUCH A HEADING, AND SENT HIM ON HIS WAY.
THE NEXT DAY, TO THE TOTAL DISBELIEF OF THE AIR FORCE, THE SAME CESSNA SHOWED UP AGAIN. ONCE AGAIN, THE MP'S SURROUNDED THE PLANE... ONLY THIS TIME THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE IN THE PLANE.
THE SAME PILOT JUMPED OUT AND SAID, "DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ME, BUT MY WIFE IS IN THE PLANE AND YOU HAVE TO TELL HER WHERE I WAS LAST NIGHT!"
YOU KNOW IT'S JULY IN FLORIDA WHEN:
- HOT WATER COMES OUT OF BOTH TAPS.
- YOU FIND OUT THAT A SEATBELT BUCKLE MAKES A PRETTY NICE BRANDING IRON.
- THE TREES ARE WHISTLING FOR THE DOGS.
- YOU FIND OUT THAT YOU CAN GET SUNBURNED THROUGH YOUR CAR WINDOW.
- THE BIRDS NEED TO USE POTHOLDERS TO PULL WORMS OUT OF THE GROUND.
- YOU BURN YOUR HAND OPENING THE CAR DOOR.
- THE TEMPERATURE DROPS BELOW 95 AND YOU PUT ON A SWEATER.
- YOU CAN MAKE INSTANT SUN TEA.
- SHADE DETERMINES THE BEST PARKING SPACE, NOT DISTANCE.
- FARMERS FEED THEIR CHICKENS CRUSHED ICE TO KEEP THEM FROM LAYING HARD BOILED EGGS.
- WHEN YOU STEP OUTSIDE AT 7:30 A.M., YOU BREAK INTO A SWEAT.
- POTATOES COOK UNDERGROUND. THIS IS CONVENIENT BECAUSE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PULL ONE OUT AND ADD SALT, PEPPER AND BUTTER.
- YOU DISCOVER THAT ASPHALT HAS A LIQUID STATE.
- YOU REALIZE THAT IT ONLY TAKES TWO FINGERS TO STEER YOUR CAR.
THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.
HOWARD
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