HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE
NUMBER 26 VOL 7
FEBRUARY 26TH 2008
WEATHER; WINDY, COOL, MED HUMIDITY, 34/76 DEGREES
GAS: $3.02 TO $3.05 WE’RE STILL WAY BELOW THE NATIONAL AVERAGE OF $3.10! HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY.
THIS OUGHT TO WAKE UP THE GRAY MATTER IN THE BRAIN, SEE IF YOU CAN COMPLETE THIS;
“THE TIME HAS COME THE WALRUS SAID, TO SPEAK OF MANY THING, OF SHOES AND SHIPS AND SEALING WAX AND __________AND ______!”
ANSWER TOMORROW!
BOY, THE DAYS SURE ARE GETTING LONGER AND THE WEATHER DOESN’T STAY NICE LONG ENOUGH TO EVEN GET THE TOOL BOX OPEN! AND SINCE THERE IS NOTHING TO REPORT ON OR ANYTHING I CAN RECALL FROM MY EARLY YEARS I’LL JUST TELL A COUPLE OF JOKES!
THIS IS FROM MY FRIEND IN CANADA, BOYD BRUCE.
THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO STOPPED IN THE DESERT FOR THE NIGHT. AFTER THEY GOT THEIR TENT ALL SET UP, BOTH MEN FELL SOUND ASLEEP. SOME HOURS LATER, TONTO WAKES THE LONE RANGER AND SAYS, "KEMO SABE, LOOK TOWARDS SKY, WHAT YOU SEE?"
THE LONE RANGER REPLIES, "I SEE MILLIONS OF STARS."
"WHAT THAT TELL YOU" ASKED TONTO.
THE LONE RANGER PONDERS FOR A MINUTE THEN SAYS, "ASTRONOMICALLY SPEAKING, IT TELLS ME THERE ARE MILLIONS OF GALAXIES AND POTENTIALLY BILLIONS OF PLANETS. ASTROLOGICALLY, IT TELLS ME THAT SATURN IS IN LEO. TIME WISE, IT APPEARS TO BE APPROXIMATELY A QUARTER PAST THREE IN THE MORNING.
THEOLOGICALLY, IT'S EVIDENT THE LORD IS ALL-POWERFUL AND WE ARE SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT. METEOROLOGICALLY, IT SEEMS WE WILL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY TOMORROW. WHAT'S IT TELL YOU, TONTO?"
TONTO IS SILENT FOR A MOMENT, THEN SAYS, "KEMO SABE, YOU DUMBER THAN A ROCK.
IT TELL ME SOMEBODY STOLE TENT."
THIS MAN WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WHEN HE SPOTTED SOMEONE SETTING ON THE CURB IN FRONT OF A BAR; HE WALKED UP TO THIS GUY AND ASKED; “WHAT’S THE MATTER FRIEND?”
“THEY KICKED ME OUT OF THE BAR BECAUSE I’M JESUS CHRIST” ANSWERED THE GUY
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU’RE JESUS CHRIST?” ASKED THE MAN
“YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME EITHER?” “BUT IF YOU’LL BUY ME A DRINK I’LL PROVE IT TO YOU!” SAID THE GUY
THE MAN AGREES SO THEY WALK INTO THE BAR AND SET AT THE VERY END AND THE MAN ORDERS TWO DRINKS WHICH THE BARTENDER BRINGS TO THEM. THE GUY HAD HIS BACK TO THE BAR SO THE BARTENDER COULDN’T SEE HIS FACE BUT WHEN HE TURNED AROUND TO GET HIS DRINK THE BARTENDER YELLS OUT; “JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU BACK IN HERE?”
THERE WAS A NEWS ITEM IN A LOCAL PAPER THAT TOLD ABOUT A BODY FOUND IN THE RIVER THE NIGHT BEFORE! THE BODY WAS WRAPPED WITH ABOUT 50FT OF ½ INCH CHAIN! WHEN THE LOCAL SHERIFF WAS ASKED WHAT HE THOUGHT THE REASON FOR THE DROWNING WAS HE SIMPLY ANSWERED; “THOSE THIEVES ARE ALWAYS STEALING MORE THAN THEY CAN CARRY ACROSS THE RIVER!”
ANOTHER BODY WAS FOUND IN THE SAME RIVER SOMETIME LATER, IT HAD 55 BULLET HOLES IN IT! WHEN QUESTIONED ABOUT THIS STRANGE KILLING ALL THE LOCAL SHERIFF WOULD SAY WAS, “DAMNDEST CASE OF SUICIDE I’VE EVER SEEN!”
“I’M AFRAID TO SEND MY KIDS TO THE MOVIES ANY MORE. EVER SINCE THEY LET CLARK GABLE GET AWAY WITH SAYING ‘DAMN’ IN ‘GONE WITH THE WIND,’ IT SEEMS EVERY NEW MOVIE HAS “HELL” OR “DAMN” IN IT.
“I READ THE OTHER DAY WHERE SOME SCIENTIST THINKS IT’S POSSIBLE TO PUT A MAN ON THE MOON BY THE END OF THE CENTURY THEY EVEN HAVE SOME FELLOWS THEY CALL ASTRONAUTS PREPARING FOR IT DOWN IN TEXAS.”
“DID YOU SEE WHERE SOME BASEBALL PLAYER JUST SIGNED A CONTRACT FOR $75,000 A YEAR JUST TO PLAY BALL? IT WOULDN’T SURPRISE ME IF SOMEDAY THEY’LL BE MAKING MORE THAN THE PRESIDENT.”
“I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE THE DAY ALL OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES WOULD BE ELECTRIC. THEY ARE EVEN MAKING ELECTRIC TYPEWRITERS NOW.”
“IT’S TOO BAD THINGS ARE SO TOUGH NOWADAYS I SEE WHERE A FEW MARRIED WOMEN ARE HAVING TO WORK TO MAKE ENDS MEET.”
“IT WON’T BE LONG BEFORE YOUNG MARRIED COUPLES ARE GOING TO HAVE TO HIRE SOMEONE TO WATCH THEIR KIDS SO THEY CAN BOTH WORK.”
THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.
HOWARD
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