DAILY CHRONICLE #30 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 30 VOL 10

MAY 30^TH 2008

WEATHER; HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 71/88 DEGREES

 

NOT MUCH GOING ON TODAY, MOM WENT AND HAD HER HAIR DONE BUT, I STAYED HOME TO KEEP OFF MY FOOT! THE BLOOD BLISTER BROKE AND ALL THE DEAD SKIN IS GONE, EXCEPT FOR THE TOE NAIL EVERYTHING LOOKS PRETTY NORMAL SO WE DIDN’T BANDAGE IT I JUST PUT A SOCK ON TO KEEP FROM SNAGGING THE NAIL!

 

TIM CALLED FROM THE AIRPORT IN DALLAS AND SAID HE WAS LEAVING FOR NEW YORK! I DIDN’T THINK HE WAS LEAVING TILL MONDAY THE 2^ND OF JUNE, THIS WILL GIVE HIM MORE TIME TO VISIT HIS IN-LAWS IN NEW YORK BEFORE HE HAS TO GET TO ARLINGTON VIRGINIA FOR THE SCHOOL!

 

I’M STARTING A NEW BOOK THAT INVOLVES 16 PEOPLE, A 52 FOOT YACHT, ENGINE FAILURE AND A TYPHOON NEAR HAWAII! I ENJOY DOING THIS KIND OF BOOK WHERE I HAVE TO USE MY MIND AND EXPERTISE TO DEVELOPE THE STORY LINE AND KEEP IT MOVING TO MAKE IT INTERESTING FOR THE READER! OF COURSE IT’S FICTION BASED ON SOME FACT!

 

WE WILL PICK UP CHARLEEN LATINIS FOR MASS TOMORROW EVENING, I TALKED TO GARY TODAY AND HE WON’T BE HOME TILL SOME TIME NEXT WEEK! I’M NOT SURE IF I’LL HAVE TO WEAR THE BOOTCAST OR NOT, I’M GOING TO TRY IT WITHOUT AND JUST WEAR MY REGULAR SHOES! THAT BOOTCAST IS TOO AWKWARD TO WEAR, IT MAKES ME WOBBLE WHEN I WALK WORSE THAN I NORMALLY DO!

 

Las Vegas Churches 
accept gambling 
chips 


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE 
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES 
THAN CASINOS. 

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME 
WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE 
BASKET IS PASSED. 

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM 
MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE 
OFFERINGS.. 

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR 
COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS 
ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. 
 

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU 
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? 



GOTCHA! 
Now it's your turn to tag someone else! 
Have a great 
day!

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #29 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 29 VOL 10

 MAY 29^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; WARM, MED HUMIDITY, 71/89 DEGREES

 

COLLEEN JUST CALLED TO TELL US SHE HAD FILLED OUT ALL THE PAPER WORK TO BECOME A PERMANENT EMPLOYEE FOR THE COMPANY SHE’S BEEN WORKING FOR THE LAST 90 DAYS! CONGRADULATIONS COLLEEN, WE NEVER HAD ANY DOUBTS YOU’D BE A PERMANENT EMPLOYEE IF THEY WERE AS SMART AS THEY SOUNDED! SHE LIVES IN SHERMAN, TEXAS

 

TIM WILL LEAVE FOR ARLINGTON VIRGINIA ON THE 2^ND OF JUNE TO RECEIVE EXTENDED COMPUTER UPDATING FOR “AMERICAN HEART ASSOCIATION” WHERE HE SETS AT THE TECHNOLOGY SERVICE DESK IN THE OFFICE OF TECHNOLOGY AND CUSTOMER STRATEGIES!  HE’LL BE IN VIRGINATILL THE 6^TH OF JUNE! WHILE IN THAT AREA HE’LL BE VISITING HIS MOTHER AND BROTHER-IN-LAW AND OTHER FRIEND AND RELATIONS OF HIS WIFE, ELYSE IN QUEENS, NEW YORK!

TIM BECAME A PERMANENT EMPLOYEE OF “AMERICAN HEART ASSOCIATION” EARLIER THIS YEAR AFTER SPENDING OVER TWO YEARS AS A CONTRACT EMPLOYEE! HE LIVES IN PLANO, TEXAS!

 

MIKE AND KELLY ARE PERMANENT EMPLOYEES OF “TEREX” (FORMERLY, REEDRILL INC.) IN DENISON, TEXAS! MIKE LIVES IN IVANHOE, TEXAS! KELLY LIVES IN CARTWRIGHT OK.!

 

SHANNON IS A PERMANENT MOTHER NOW, RAISING KONNER, KYLIE’S SON! SHE REALLY HAS HER HANDS FULL AND I WORRY ABOUT HER BUT, HER DOCTOR SEEMS TO THINK RAISING KONNER IS A GOOD THING FOR HER! SHE LIVES IN DENISON, TEXAS!

 

PEGGY IS A PERMANENT EMPLOYEE OF “MOOG” A DIVISION OF NASA IN NORTHRIDGE, CALIFORNIA! SHE LIVES IN LANCASTER, CALIFORNIA AND MAKES A 130 MILE TURN EVERY DAY! SHE AND PAUL, HER SIGNIFICANT OTHER,  ARE REALLY  INVOLVED IN DRAG RACING, THEY BOTH HAVE CARS BUT COMPETE IN DIFFERENT CLASSES AND PLAN ON GOING RACING FULL TIME WHEN SHE RETIRES!

 

KERRY IS A PERMANENT EMPLOYEE OF “EPIC DIVERS IN HARVEY LOUISIANA;  A SUBSIDIARYOF “TETRA TECHNOLOGIES IN HOUSTON, TEXAS! HIS HOME IS IN FARMERSVILLE, TEXAS!

 

MOM AND I ARE PERMANANTLY RETIRED AND LIVE IN CARTWRIGHT, OK.

 

I DIDN’T DO MUCH TODAY EXCEPT LOOK OVER THE OPERATION MANUAL FOR THE NEW RADIO TIM PUT IN THE INTREPID! THIS THING HAS GOT BUTTONS TO DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF AS FAR AS A CAR RADIO GOES! AND I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING WHEN THEY WENT FROM A ROUND DIAL YOU TURNED FOR STATIONS TO PUSH BUTTONS IN 1940! I STARTED THE INTREPID AND LET IT WARM UP WHICH IS A GOOD IDEA RATHER THAN LETTING IT SET. WE’RE  PLANNING ON TAKING IT TO DALLAS TUESDAY FOR MY VA APPOINTMENT, THIS WILL GIVE US A CHANCE TO SEE HOW IT’S GOING TO PERFORM ON THE ROAD AS FAR AS GAS MILEAGE GOES!

 

MOM MADE A BATCH OF SUGAR/BUTTER COOKIES TODAY USING HER “PASTA MAKER”, SHE’S GOT MORE KITCHEN MACHINES THAN I EVER HAD IN THE SHOP BUT, SHE USES ALL OF THEM FROM TIME TO TIME, NONE OF THEM JUST SET AND GATHER DUST!

 

I JUST FINISHE WATCHING “THE JUGGLER” WITH KIRK DOUGLAS! THIS IS AN EXCELLENT MOVIE AND I RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY! IT TAKES PLACE IN ISRAEL AFTER WWII!

 

MIRACLE CAR

THE PARENTS OF TWO BOYS (14 AND 16 YEAR-OLDS) WENT ON A TRIP FOR THE WEEKEND WITH FRIENDS. THEY LEFT EARLY FRIDAY MORNING AND THE BOYS WERE LEFT ALONE AT HOME. THAT EVENING THE YOUNGER BOY MADE THE SUGGESTION THAT THEY TAKE THEIR DAD'S CAR, PICK UP SOME GIRLS AND GO TO THE LOCAL DISCO. THE 16 YEAR-OLD BOY COULD DRIVE A BIT BUT WAS TOO SCARED.

AFTER SOME NAGGING HE GAVE IN AND OFF THEY WENT TO ENJOY THE EVENING. WHEN THEY GOT BACK TO THE CAR AFTER A LOT OF DISCOTHEQUEING, THEY NOTICED A HUGE DENT IN THE REAR OF THE CAR - SOMEONE MUST HAVE BUMPED INTO THE CAR AND DROVE OFF.

FRANTICALLY THEY PHONED THEIR FRIENDS TO FIND A PANELBEATER/SPRAYPAINTER TO FIX THEIR DAD'S CAR. FINALLY THEY FOUND ONE WHO SAID THEY MUST HAVE THE CAR AT HIS HOUSE EARLY NEXT MORNING. THE CAR WAS FIXED PROPERLY AND THEY PARKED IT BACK IN THE GARAGE THAT AFTERNOON.

THEIR PARENTS RETURNED THE NEXT DAY BUT THE BOYS WERE TOO TERRIFIED TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE ACCIDENT. THE FATHER WENT TO GET SOMETHING FROM THE GARAGE, CAME BACK VERY AMAZED AND SAID TO THE FAMILY IN THE LOUNGE,

"A MIRACLE HAS HAPPENED! A GUY DROVE INTO THE BACK OF MY CAR ON THURSDAY AND NOW IT IS FIXED WITHOUT A SCRATCH!"

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #28 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 28 VOL 10

 

MAY 28^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; WARM, MED HUMIDITY, 64/88 DEGREES

 

ANOTHER SLOW DAY, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT STAY OFF MY FOOT AND WATCH TV AND ALSO DID SOME READING! MOM MADE BANANNA BREAD AND DID UP SOME LAUNDRY AND GOT CAUGHT UP ON HER COMPUTER!

 

WE SERVICED THE HUMMING BIRD FEEDERS AND WITHIN 30 MINUTES THEY WERE AT THEM!

 

I’VE GOT TO GO NEXT MONDAY JUNE 2^ND TO BONHAM VA FOR MORE HEARING TEST AND PICK UP NEW AIDS! THESE AUTOMATICS DON’T WORK TO GOOD UNLESS YOU HAVE TWO AND MY LEFT EAR HAS ZERO HEARING SO I’M GOING TO HAVE TOO GO BACK TO THE ONE BEHIND MY LEFT EAR THAT’S A WIRELESS TRANSMITTER AND THE ONE IN THE RIGHT EAR IS THE RECEIVER AND MAIN HEARING AID!

 

THEN ON TUESDAY JUNE 3^RD I GO TO DALLAS VA ORTHOPEDICS TO GET MY TOE CHECKED! I HAD TO CANCEL LAST TUESDAY BECAUSE OF THE WEATHER! THEN ON SATURDAY JUNE 7^TH I GO TO BONHAM VA TO A DERMATOLOGY CLINIC TO HAVE THEM LOOK AT THE THING ON MY RIGHT CALF, MY DOCTOR THOUGHT IT WAS AN INFECTION BUT NOW HE’S SENDING ME TO DERMATOLOGY BECAUSE IT COULD BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT, POSSIBLY A BRUISE!

 

VALUABLE MULE

A MAN WAS TRAVELING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD WHEN HE SAW A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE A HOUSE. HE STOPPED AND ASKED A PERSON WHY THE LARGE CROWD WAS THERE.

A FARMER REPLIED, "JOE'S MULE KICKED HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW AND SHE DIED."

"WELL," REPLIED THE MAN, "SHE MUST HAVE HAD A LOT OF FRIENDS."

"NOPE," SAID THE FARMER, "WE ALL JUST WANT TO BUY HIS MULE."

 

HUNGRY LION

A HUNGRY LION WAS ROAMING THROUGH THE JUNGLE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO EAT. HE CAME ACROSS TWO MEN. ONE WAS SITTING UNDER A TREE AND READING A BOOK; THE OTHER WAS TYPING AWAY ON HIS TYPEWRITER.

THE LION QUICKLY POUNCED ON THE MAN READING THE BOOK AND DEVOURED HIM.

EVEN THE KING OF THE JUNGLE KNOWS THAT READERS DIGEST AND WRITERS CRAMP.

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

HOWARD

 

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #27 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 27 VOL 10

 

MAY27TH 2008

 

WEATHER; COOL, RAIN, HIGH HUMIDITY, 65/76 DEGREES

 

WOW! IT WAS SO DARK WHEN I WOKE UP I THOUGHT IT WAS STILL 2-3:00 AM THEN I LOOKED AT THE PROJECTED TIME ON THE CEILING AND IT WAS 7:55 AM SO I DECIDED TO GET UP! IT WAS RAINING SO HARD I COULDN’T SEE THE NEIGHBORS HOUSE 50 FT. ACROSS THE YARD! IT RAINED TILL ABOUT 1:00 PM THEN IT STARTED TO CLEAR IN THE WEST AND NOW IT’S CLEAR!

 

MOM HAD TO GO TO THE BANK AND GET SOME THINGS AT THE STORE! I FELL ASLEEP WATCHING A MOVIE CALLED “REDLINE” SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT DRAG RACING, THESE PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DRIVING AT HIGH SPEEDS,  NO SAFETY BELTS OR HELMETS, I GUESS THE GIRLS WERE AFRAID OF MESSING UP THEIR HAIR AND THE GUYS ALSO! I CAN’T BELIEVE ANY INVESTOR WOULD BE A PART OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS, THERE ISN’T A LETTER IN THE ALPHABET LOW ENOUGH TO GIVE IT A RATING! BEAUTIFUL CARS AND HOOKERS BUT DIRECTION AND STORYLINE WAS PURE UNADULTERATED CRAP! MY PERSONAL OPINION, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME!

 

DODGE CITY

A COWBOY HAD BEEN IN THE SALOON FOR A LONG TIME AND DECIDED THAT IT WAS TIME, ONCE AGAIN TO HEAD FOR THE HILLS. HE WALKED THROUGH THE SWING DOORS AND IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THAT HIS HORSE HAD DISAPPEARED FROM THE RAIL.

"OK" HE SAID, RE-ENTERING THE CROWDED BAR "I,M GONNA HAVE ONE MORE DRINK AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK BY THEN, THE SAME THING WILL HAPPEN HERE THAT HAPPENED IN DODGE CITY."

WITH THAT SEVERAL OF THE COWBOYS RAN OUT OF THE SALOON AND WITHIN MINUTES ONE HAD RETURNED TO TELL HIM THAT THEY'D FOUND HIS HORSE FOR HIM. AS HE TURNED TO LEAVE THE BARTENDER STOPPED HIM.

"EXCUSE ME STRANGER" HE SAID, "BUT WHAT HAPPENED IN DODGE CITY?"

THE COWBOY REPLIED: "I HAD TO WALK HOME!"

SHEEP SENSE

MAN WALKING ALONG A ROAD IN THE COUNTRYSIDE COMES ACROSS A SHEPHERD AND A HUGE FLOCK OF SHEEP. TELLS THE SHEPHERD, "I WILL BET YOU $100 AGAINST ONE OF YOUR SHEEP THAT I CAN TELL YOU THE EXACT NUMBER IN THIS FLOCK."

THE SHEPHERD THINKS IT OVER; IT'S A BIG FLOCK SO HE TAKES THE BET. "973" SAYS THE MAN.

THE SHEPHERD IS ASTONISHED, BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT. SAYS, "OK, I'M A MAN OF MY WORD, TAKE AN ANIMAL."

MAN PICKS ONE UP AND BEGINS TO WALK AWAY.

"WAIT," CRIES THE SHEPHERD, "LET ME HAVE A CHANCE TO GET EVEN DOUBLE OR NOTHING THAT I CAN GUESS YOUR EXACT OCCUPATION."  MAN SAYS, "SURE!

YOU ARE AN ECONOMIST FOR A GOVERNMENT THINK TANK," SAYS THE SHEPHERD.

"AMAZING"  RESPONDS THE MAN, "YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT! BUT TELL ME, HOW DID YOU DEDUCE THAT?"

"WELL," SAYS THE SHEPHERD, "PUT DOWN MY DOG AND I WILL TELL YOU."

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #26 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 26 VOL 10

 

MAY 26^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 74/91 DEGREES

 

AS I REPORTED, WE HAD A COOKOUT TODAY MOM BROUGHT MY PLATE TO ME SO I COULD STAY OFF THE FOOT! BRATWERST, HUGE HAMBURGER, POTATOE SALAD (YANKEE STYLE), COLESLAW, CRAB SALAD, AND FRUIT SALAD TO TOP IT OFF!  COLD DRINKS,   BEER IF YOU WANTED IT!

 

TIM ELYSE AND THE KIDS WERE HERE, SHANNON AND KONNER, KELLY, GLENDA AND HALEY JO, COLLEEN BUT DICK WASN’T FEELING GOOD SO HE DIDN’T MAKE IT AND MOM AND I! 

 

THE NEXT COOK OUT WILL BE THE 4^TH OF JULY AND YOU’RE ALL INVITED!

 

TIM PUT THE RADIO IN THE INTREPID SO NOW THE ONLY THING LEFT ARE THE STRUTS AND SHOCKS, THEN OF COURSE THE ALIGNMENT! THE ACCLAIM IS STILL DOING A GOOD JOB SO WE’RE NOT IN TOO MUCH OF A HURRY EVEN THOUGH WE’RE ANXIOUS TO START DRIVING THE INTREPID!

 

I HAVE TO BE IN DALLAS AT THE VA AT 11:40 AM TUESDAY IF GARY LATINIS DOESN’T GET A LOAD OUT TOMORROW HE SAID HE’D TAKE ME! IF HE DOES I’LL PUT MY SHOE ON AND MOM AND I WILL GO IN OUR CAR! I’LL PUT THE BOOT CAST ON WHEN I GET THERE, I DON’T WANT TO CREATE ANY PROBLEMS BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE IT WAS OVERKILL ON THEIR PART, IT WAS FRIDAY BEFORE A 3 DAY WEEKEND AND EVERYONE WANTED TO GET OUT AS EARLY AS THEY COULD SO PUT THE BOOT CAST ON AND SEND ME ON MY WAY! LET ORTHOPEDICS HANDLE IT TUESDAY! I’LL BET THEY CAN’T FIND THE “SLIGHT BREAK” THEY SAY THEY SAW IN THE X-RAYS TAKEN IN BONHAM!

 

LOW STOCK

A STORE MANAGER OVERHEARD A CLERK SAYING TO A CUSTOMER, "NO, MA'AM, WE HAVEN'T HAD ANY FOR SOME WEEKS NOW, AND IT DOESN'T LOOK AS IF WE'LL BE GETTING ANY SOON."

ALARMED BY WHAT WAS BEING SAID, THE MANAGER RUSHED OVER TO THE CUSTOMER WHO WAS WALKING OUT THE DOOR AND SAID, "THAT ISN'T TRUE, MA'AM. OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE SOME SOON. IN FACT, WE PLACED AN ORDER FOR IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO."

THEN THE MANAGER DREW THE CLERK ASIDE AND GROWLED "NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SAY WE DON'T HAVE SOMETHING. IF WE DON'T HAVE IT, SAY WE ORDERED IT AND IT'S ON ITS WAY. NOW, WHAT WAS IT SHE WANTED?"

THE CLERK SMILED AND SAID, "RAIN."

OYSTERS

A LADY WENT RUNNING TO A DOCTOR WITH A BADLY SPOILED STOMACH.

"WHAT DID YOU EAT FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT?"  ASKED THE  DOCTOR.

"OYSTERS," SHE SAID.

"FRESH OYSTERS"  ASKED THE DOCTOR.

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?" SAID THE LADY

"WELL," ASKED THE DOCTOR, "COULDN'T YOU TELL WHEN YOU TOOK OFF THE SHELLS?"

"MY GOSH," GASPED THE LADY. "ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TAKE OFF THE SHELLS?"

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

HOWARD

 

 

 

 

 

 

                   

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #25 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 25 VOL 10

 

MAY 25^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; HOT, MED HUMIDITY, 73/91 DEGREES

 

MOM GOT UP AND WENT TO 9:30 MASS, I DECIDED TO STAY OFF MY FOOT TILL I GO TO THE DALLAS VA TUESDAY! THE TOE IS LOOKING BETTER MOM NOTICED WHEN SHE WAS PUTTING THE BANDAGE ON FOR THE NIGHT THAT THE BLISTER HAD SPLIT OPEN! WE ASSUME IT’S BECAUSE I’VE BEEN SOAKING IT IN HOT EPSOM SALT WATER! BY THE TIME I GET TO DALLAS VA IT SHOULD BE PRETTY WELL ON THE WAY TO GETTING BACK TO NORMAL!

 

I GUESS I WAS RIGHT, WE’RE HAVING A BIG COOK OUT MONDAY AND TIM AND ELYSE ARE COMING UP FOR THE DAY! I’M GLAD THEY’RE COMING UP EVEN THOUGH THE COST OF GAS SO HIGH!

 

I RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM MY FRIEND IN CANADA TELLING ABOUT A BIG OIL FIND IN MONTANA, NORTH AND SOUTH DAKOTA AND SASKATCHEWAN, CANADA.  IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE 503 BILLION BARRELS, THE BIGGEST OIL FIND IN U.S. HISTORY! IT’S BIGGER BY FAR THAN THE ONE IN SAUDI ARABIA! WE’RE CHECKING IT OUT ON “URBAN LEGENDS” TO BE SURE IT’S NOT A SCAM! IF IT’S LEGIT THEY’RE GOING TO LET THE SMALL INVESTORS GET INVOLVED!

 

A COUPLE OF MORE FROM ACRAMAX

 

PEANUTS AND CIGARETTES

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND ORDERS A DRINK. THE BARTENDER GIVES HIM HIS DRINK, ACCOMPANIED BY A BOWL OF PEANUTS. TO HIS SURPRISE, A VOICE COMES FROM THE PEANUT BOWL. "YOU LOOK GREAT TONIGHT!" IT SAID. "YOU REALLY LOOK FANTASTIC... AND THAT AFTER SHAVE IS JUST WONDERFUL!"

THE MAN IS OBVIOUSLY A LITTLE CONFUSED, BUT TRIES TO IGNORE IT. REALIZING HE HAS NO CIGARETTES, HE WANDERS OVER TO THE CIGARETTE MACHINE. AFTER INSERTING HIS MONEY, ANOTHER VOICE EMITS FROM THE MACHINE. "YOU JERK. OH MY GOSH YOU STINK. DO YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ALMOST AS UGLY AS YOUR MOTHER."

BY NOW, THE MAN IS EXTREMELY PERPLEXED. HE TURNS TO THE BARTENDER FOR AN EXPLANATION. "AH YES SIR," THE BARTENDER RESPONDS, "THE PEANUTS ARE COMPLIMENTARY, BUT THE CIGARETTE MACHINE IS OUT OF ORDER."

 

 

JET FUEL

BUD AND JIM WERE A COUPLE OF DRINKING BUDDIES WHO WORKED AS AIRPLANE MECHANICS IN ATLANTA. ONE DAY THE AIRPORT WAS FOGGED IN AND THEY WERE STUCK IN THE HANGAR WITH NOTHING TO DO. BUD SAID, "MAN, I WISH WE HAD SOMETHING TO DRINK!"

JIM SAYS, "ME TOO. Y'KNOW, I'VE HEARD YOU CAN DRINK JET FUEL AND GET A BUZZ. YOU WANNA TRY IT?" SO THEY POUR THEMSELVES A COUPLE OF GLASSES OF HIGH OCTANE HOOCH AND GET COMPLETELY SMASHED. THE NEXT MORNING BUD WAKES UP AND IS SURPRISED AT HOW GOOD HE FEELS.

IN FACT HE FEELS GREAT! NO HANGOVER! NO BAD SIDE EFFECTS. NOTHING! THEN THE PHONE RINGS. IT'S JIM. JIM SAYS, "HEY, HOW DO YOU FEEL THIS MORNING?"

BUD SAYS, "I FEEL GREAT. HOW ABOUT YOU?"

JIM SAYS, "I FEEL GREAT, TOO. YOU DON'T HAVE A HANGOVER?" BUD SAYS, "NO, THAT JET FUEL IS GREAT STUFF - NO HANGOVER, NOTHING. WE OUGHT TO DO THIS MORE OFTEN."
"YEAH, WELL THERE'S JUST ONE THING..."
"WHAT'S THAT?"
"HAVE YOU...ERR... BROKEN WIND YET?"
"NO."

"WELL, DON'T, 'CAUSE I'M IN PHOENIX!"

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

HOWARD

 

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #24 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 24 VOL 10

 

MAY 24^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; HOT, HI HUMIDITY, 74/91 DEGREES

 

KELLY AND GLENDA WENT AND HELPED GARY AND CHARLEEN MOVE DEBBY INTO AN APPARTMENT WHERE SHANNON LIVES! IT TOOK TWO 16FT TRAILER LOADS AND TWO PICKUP LOADS TO GET IT DONE! THEY CAN’T ORDER THE ELECTRIC TURNED ON TILL TUESDAY SO DEBBY’S STAYING WITH GARY AND CHARLEEN!

 

MY TOE IS DOING BETTER AND DRAINING ON ITS OWN, I HAVEN’T TOUCHED IT, MAYBE BY TUESDAY WHEN I HAVE TO BE IN DALLAS IT’LL BE LOOKING BETTER, NOW IT LOOKS BAD BUT, IT STILL DOESN’T HURT AND I CAN MOVE IT REAL EASY! I HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT IT BEING BROKE AND IF IT IS WHY DIDN’T THEY TAPE IT TO THE NEXT TOE TO KEEP IT IN PLACE? ACTUALLY THAT’S ABOUT ALL YOU CAN DO FOR A BROKEN TOE, THEY DIDN’T EVEN TOUCH IT, JUST LOOKED AT IT, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR THE ORTHOPEDIC PEOPLE IN DALLAS!

 

I WATCHED A GOOD SERIES ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL TONIGHT, “ICE ROAD TRUCKERS”! THOSE DRIVERS REALLY TAKE THEIR LIVES IN THEIR HANDS PULLING THOSE HEAVY LOADS OVER THE ICE THAT’S ONLY 38” THICK WITH 55-65 FEET OF WATER UNDER THE ICE! IF A TRUCK GOES THRU THE ICE THEY WRITE THE DRIVER OFF, THERE’S NO WAY HE/SHE COULD SURVIVE! THEY’RE STARTING A NEW SERIES NEXT MONTH CALLED “THE AX/MEN”, IT’S ABOUT LOGGING AND ALL IT’S DANGERS AND THERE ARE MANY ACCORDING TO THE PRO-MOS!

 

KERRY CALLED THIS EVENING TO SEE HOW WE’RE DOING AND ABOUT MY TOE! ALL WE COULD SAY IS WE’RE DOING FINE AND MY TOE IS FINE BUT I HAVE TO GO TO DALLAS FOR THEM TO LOOK AT IT!

 

DIDN'T DO IT

ONE DAY A MAN COMES HOME FROM WORK TO FIND TOTAL MAYHEM AT HOME. THE KIDS WERE OUTSIDE STILL IN THEIR PAJAMAS PLAYING IN THE MUD AND MUCK. THERE WERE EMPTY FOOD BOXES AND WRAPPERS ALL AROUND.

AS HE PROCEEDED INTO THE HOUSE, HE FOUND AN EVEN BIGGER MESS. DISHES ON THE COUNTER, DOG FOOD SPILLED ON THE FLOOR, A BROKEN GLASS UNDER THE TABLE, AND A SMALL PILE OF SAND BY THE BACK DOOR. THE FAMILY ROOM WAS STREWN WITH TOYS AND VARIOUS ITEMS OF CLOTHING, AND A LAMP HAD BEEN KNOCKED OVER. HE HEADED UP THE STAIRS, STEPPING OVER TOYS, TO LOOK FOR HIS WIFE.

HE WAS BECOMING WORRIED THAT SHE MAY BE ILL, OR THAT SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO HER. HE FOUND HER IN THE BEDROOM, STILL IN BED WITH HER PAJAMAS ON, READING A BOOK. SHE LOOKED UP AT HIM, SMILED, AND ASKED HOW HIS DAY WENT.

HE LOOKED AT HER BEWILDERED AND ASKED, "WHAT HAPPENED HERE TODAY?"

SHE AGAIN SMILED AND ANSWERED, "YOU KNOW EVERYDAY WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM WORK AND ASK ME WHAT I DID TODAY?"

"YES," WAS HIS REPLY.

SHE SAID, "WELL, TODAY I DIDN'T DO IT!"

 TWO STORKS

TWO STORKS ARE SITTING IN THEIR NEST: A FATHER STORK AND BABY STORK. THE BABY STORK IS CRYING AND CRYING AND FATHER STORK IS TRYING TO CALM HIM. "DON'T WORRY, SON. YOUR MOTHER WILL COME BACK. SHE'S ONLY BRINGING PEOPLE BABIES AND MAKING THEM HAPPY."

THE NEXT NIGHT, IT'S FATHER'S TURN TO DO THE JOB. MOTHER AND SON ARE SITTING IN THE NEST, THE BABY STORK IS CRYING, AND MOTHER IS SAYING "SON, YOUR FATHER WILL BE BACK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, BUT NOW HE'S BRINGING JOY TO NEW MOMMIES AND DADDIES."

A FEW DAYS LATER, THE STORK'S PARENTS ARE DESPERATE: THEIR SON IS ABSENT FROM THE NEST ALL NIGHT! SHORTLY BEFORE DAWN, HE RETURNS AND THE PARENTS ASK HIM WHERE HE'S BEEN ALL NIGHT. THE BABY STORK SAYS, "NOWHERE JUST SCARING THE HECK OUT OF COLLEGE STUDENTS!"

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #23 VOL 10

 

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 23 VOL 10

 

MAY 23^RD 2008

 

WEATHER; WARM, HI HUMIDITY, 54/90 DEGREES

 

WE WENT BACK TO BONHAM VA AGAIN TODAY TO GET FITTED WITH A “BOOT CAST”! SOMETIME DURING THE MORNING THE BLOOD BLISTER STARTED TO DRAIN SO THE MAN WHO WAS FITTING THE BOOT PUT A PIECE OF GAUZ BETWEEM THE BIG TOE AND THE NEXT TOE AND SAID THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE PUT A DRESSING ON IT YESTERDAY! HE THEN GAVE ME A PIECE OF PAPER WITH A PHONE NUMBER ON IT I WAS TO CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT AT DALLAS ORTHOPEDICS! WHEN WE GOT IN THE CAR MOM CALLED AND TALKED TO THEM!  THEY CALLED BACK WITH AN APPOINTMENT FOR NEXT TUESDAY AT 11:40 AM! IF I CAN’T DRIVE WE’LL SEE IF GARY LATINIS OR COLLEENS FIANCE’ DICK WILL TAKE ME DOWN! IF I CAN GET MY SHOE ON I’LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE! BUT THERE’S NO WAY I COULD DRIVE WITH THE BOOT ON!

 

!

 

CHARLEEN AND GARY LATINIS’S DAUGHTER LIVES IN AN APARTMENT IN DENISON, TX.AND THEY HAD A FIRE IN THE BUILDING SHE LIVES IN LAST TUESDAY NIGHT, ALL SHE GOT WAS A LITTLE SMOKE BUT THEY SHUT THE WHOLE BUILDING DOWN AND GAVE HER 2 DAYS TO MOVE ALL HER BELONGINGS OUT! GARY’S ON THE ROAD AND CALLED MOM TO SEE IF SHE COULD GET KELLY AND SOMEONE ELSE TO MOVE HER INTO A NEW APARTMENT CHARLEEN RENTED FOR HER! WELL, GARY GOT HOME TONIGHT AND HE AND KELLY WILL MOVE DEBBY TOMORROW! DEBBY IS PAID UP TILL THE END OF THE MONTH AND IT SEEMS TO MOM THE OWNER OF THE COMPLEX SHOUD BE THE ONE TO FIND HOUSING FOR HIS TENNANTS AND DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SEE THEY AREN’T INCONVIENCED BECAUSE OF THE FIRE! DEBBY IS ON HUD SO I’LL BET HUD WILL BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS! GARY SAID HE’LL BET THEY WERE COOKING SOMETHING THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN! THE STORY ON TV WAS THEY LEFT FOR A WHILE AND WHEN THEY GOT BACK THE APARTMENT WAS ON FIRE!

 

I DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON MEMORIAL DAY, I KNOW TIM AND ELYSE WON’T BE HERE, IT’S TOO EXPENSIVE FOR THEM TO COME UP EVERY OTHER WEEKEND!, KERRY’S WORKING IN LOUISIANA AND DEBI IS PROBABLY DOWN THERE WITH HIM, HAVEN’T HEARD FROM COLLEEN AND DICK BUT THEY’LL PROBABLY BE HERE IF THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON, MIKE AND CINDY PROBABLY WON’T SHOW UP, MIKE WILL BE WORKING AND CINDY TAKES THE BOYS TO RODEOS IF DYLAN IS RIDING IN ONE OR GOES TO HER MOM’S!

 

SHANNON AND KONER WILL PROBABLY BE HERE AND OF COURSE KELLY AND GLENDA LIVE HERE SO THEY’LL BE THE ONES PUTTING IT ON IF SOMETHING IS DONE!

 

THERE’S NOT ANYTHING ELSE WORTH REPORTING SO I’LL CLOSE WITH A JOKE FROM ACRAMAX!

 

 

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, 'ESTHER,I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER.'
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, 'I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT
HELICOPTER RIDE IS FIFTY DOLLARS, AND FIFTY DOLLARS IS FIFTY DOLLARS'

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID, 'ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE.'

TO THIS, ESTHER REPLIED, 'MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS FIFTY DOLLARS, AND FIFTY DOLLARS IS FIFTY DOLLARS.'

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, 'FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE.IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND DON'T SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU A PENNY! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD IT'S FIFTY DOLLARS.

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, 'BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!'

MORRIS REPLIED, 'WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I ALMOST SAID SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT YOU KNOW, FIFTY DOLLARS IS FIFTY DOLLARS!'

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #22 VOL 10

 

 

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 22 VOL 10

MAY 22^ND 2008

WEATHER; WARM, MED HUMIDITY, 56/88 DEGREES

 

WE WENT TO BONHAM VA THIS MORNING TO HAVE THE DOCTOR LOOK AT MY TOE, I WAS HOPING HE WOULD LANCE IT AND DRAIN THE BLOOD TO RELEAVE THE PRESSURE BUT HE WOULDN’T BECAUSE OF MY DIABEDIES AND POSSIBLE INFECTION! HE SAID TO KEEP IT ELEVATED AND SOAK IT IN HOT EPSUM SALTS AND TRY NOT TO BREAK THE SKIN AND LET THE BLOOD OUT, HE HOPES SOME NEW SKIN WILL GROW UNDER THE OLD AND KEEP INFECTION DOWN BUT, HE DID SEND ME UP STAIRS FOR AN X-RAY!

AFTER THE X-RAY WE HEADED FOR HOME AND BRUNCH! I’VE KEPT IT ELEVATED ALL DAY AND EVENING AND WILL SOAK IT IN THE MORNING! I GOT A CALL FROM THE DOCTOR ABOUT 6:30 PM AND HE SAID IT APPEARS THE TOE HAS A SMALL BREAK AND I’M TO GO BACK TO THE VA TOMORROW AND GET FITTED FOR A “BOOT CAST” SO WE’RE GOING IN THE MORNING! I’LL HAVE TO WAIT TO SEE IF THEY’RE GOING TO PUT A PERMINANT CAST ON IT! I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON HOW QUICK AND GOOD IT HEALS WITH THE BOOT CAST ON! DR. GEORGE IS EAST INDIAN AND I HAVE TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING HIM BUT MOM WILL FIND OUT WHAT COMES NEXT TOMORROW!

WHEN THE HANG THAT BOOT ON MY FOOT IT REALLY IS GOING TO GROUND ME, I WON’T BE ABLE TO DRIVE, I’LL HAVE TROUBLE NAVIGATING WHEN WE GO PLACES AS IF I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS NOW WITH MY FEET! OF COURSE I HEAL FAST SO MAYBE IT WON’T BE ON LONG! I STILL FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE IT’S BROKEN, OTHER THAN THE CRACKS IN MY SKULL FROM THE CAR ACCIDENT IN 1950 I’VE NEVER HAD A BROKEN BONE AND THIS DOESN’T LOOK OR FEEL BROKEN, I CAN MOVE IT AND IT DOESN’T HURT AT ALL! OH WELL, I’LL DO WHAT THEY SAY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST!

SHANNON TOOK HER CAR BACK TO THE PEOPLE SHE BOUGHT IT FROM ABOUT THE A/C NOT WORKING AND THEY TOLD HER SHE RAN OVER SOMETHING AND POKED A HOLE IN ONE OF THE A/C LINES AND LOST ALL THE OIL OUT THE SYSTEM! I DIDN’T KNOW A/C LINES RAN THAT CLOSE TO THE GROUND! SHE THINKS IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH A ROCK ROAD SHE HAS TO PULL INTO FOR SOME REASON, MY OPINION IS SHE WOULD HAVE TO BE GOING 40-50 MPH WHEN SHE’S ON IT TO KICK A ROCK UP THAT HARD TO POKE A HOLE IN A STAINLESS STEEL/RUBBER LINE! THEY’VE AGREED TO SPLIT THE LABOR WITH HER BUT I ASSUME SHE WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A NEW LINE, COMPRESSOR, FREON AND ½ OF THE LABOR! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO VENTURE A GUESS ON WHAT THE BOTTOM LINE ON THIS WILL BE!

TODAY WAS TIM AND ELYSE’S WEDDING ANIVERSARY, I DON’T REMEMBER THE # BUT MOM CALLED AND WISHED THEM A HAPPY ANIVERSARY AND I WANT TO DO THE SAME HERE, HAPPY ANIVERARY KIDS AND MANY MORE! DAD! THEY’RE CHURCH ANIVERSARY WAS ON THE 20^TH OF MAY!

 

NUNS AND HOT DOGS

TWO NUNS TOOK THEIR FIRST TRIP OUTSIDE THE CONVENT. THEY HAD NEVER SEEN A BASEBALL GAME, SO THEY GOT TICKETS. ONCE INSIDE, THEY SAT IN THE BLEACHERS, AND HEARING A VENDER SELLING HOT DOGS, ONE SAID, "WE'VE NEVER HAD HOT DOGS BEFORE," AND THEY DECIDED TO ORDER A COUPLE.

THE FIRST NUN UNWRAPPED HER HOT DOG, AND PROCEEDED TO QUICKLY WRAP IT UP AGAIN, SAYING, "OH, MY!"

"WHAT'S WRONG” ASKED HER COMPANION.

"WELL,” CAME THE REPLY,"WHICH PART OF THE DOG DID YOU GET"

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #21 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 21 VOL 10

 

MAY 21^ST 2008

 

WEATHER; WARM, MED HUMIDITY, 53/87 DEGREES

 

I GOT UP THIS MORNING AND WENT IN THE BATHROOM AND WHEN I TOOK MY RIGHT SLIPPER OFF TO GET IN THE SHOWER I COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I SAW! MY BIG TOE NAIL WAS SURROUNDED BY A HUGE BLOOD BLISTER, IT WAS SWOLLEN AND STRETCHED THE SKIN! THERE WASN’T ANY PAIN BUT I GUESSED THAT WAS BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY FEELING IN MY FEET JUST TINGLING, THE DOCTORS TELL ME THERE’S NOTHING THEY CAN DO FOR IT! I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TOE; LAST MONDAY IT GOT REAL HOT (100+) AND I DECIDED TO TURN ON THE LIVING ROOM A/C BUT, THE COUCH HAD BEEN PUSHED IN FRONT OF IT (WE’RE TAKING IT TO THE SALVATION ARMY) SO I STARTED TO PULL THE COUCH AWAY FROM THE FRONT OF THE A/C WHEN IT MOVED REAL FAST INTO MY RIGHT BIG TOE, (ITS ON WHEELS AND THEY HAD SUNK INTO THE CARPET) WHEN IT HAPPENED IT HURT LIKE HELL THEN QUIT AND I FORGOT ABOUT IT TILL THIS MORNING! I CALLED THE VA AND THEY MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR 10:00 AM TOMORROW MORNING! I THOUGHT ABOUT DOING LIKE I’VE ALWAYS DONE WITH BLOOD BLISTERS, GO UNDER THE SKIN NEXT TO IT WITH A STERILE NEEDLE AND COME UP INSIDE AND LET THE BLOOD OUT AND RELIEVE THE PRESSURE! THAT WAY YOU DON’T GET IT INFECTED BUT MOM REMINDED ME I’M DIABETIC AND IT COULD CAUSE A PROBLEM!

 

MOM SPRAYED “BROAD LEAF KILLER” ON THE SIDES OF THE DRIVEWAY SO WE’LL SEE IF IT DID ANY GOOD TOMORROW! IF IT DOESN’T WORK WE’LL JUST KEEP ON MOWING THERE!

 

BECAUSE OF MY TOE I DIDN’T MOVE AROUND TO MUCH TODAY, I’VE MIXED UP A SOLUTION OF DIATOMACEOUS EARTH (D.E.) AND WATER TO SPRAY ON THE DECK AND AROUND THE HOUSE TO CONTROL THE ANTS, TICKS, FLEAS AND ROACHES! IT WORKED FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS SO I’M GOING TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT! AROUND THE INSIDE I HAVE A BIG DUST SPRAYER THAT LOOKS LIKE AN OVERGROWN FLIT GUN  WE CAN SHOOT DUST ALL ALONG THE BASE BOARDS AND IN THE CUBBORDS WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT POISONING ANYONE! THIS D.E. IS MICROSCOPIC REMAINS ON FOSSELS AND WHEN IT GETS EATEN BY INSECTS IT DESTROYS THEIR INTESTINES BUT, YOU CAN GIVE IT TO DOGS OR CATS ON THEIR FOOD AND IT DESTROYS ANY WORMS THEY MIGHT HAVE AND IT WORKS IT’S WAY OUT THROUGHT THE SKIN AND TAKES CARE OF THE FLEAS AND TICKS ON THEIR BODIES! I TRY TO DUST THE CATS DOWN WITH IT BUT THEY PUT UP SUCH A BATTLE SO I’M TIRED OF THE SCRATCHES AND WE’LL JUST SPRINKLE IT ON THEIR FOOD!

 

WHY PARENTS DRINK

A BOSS WONDERED WHY ONE OF HIS MOST VALUED EMPLOYEES HAD NOT PHONED IN SICK ONE DAY. HAVING AN URGENT PROBLEM WITH ONE OF THE MAIN COMPUTERS, HE DIALED THE EMPLOYEE'S HOME PHONE NUMBER AND WAS GREETED WITH A CHILD'S WHISPER. ' HELLO ? '
'IS YOUR DADDY HOME?' HE ASKED.
' YES ,' WHISPERED THE SMALL VOICE.
MAY I TALK WITH HIM?'
THE CHILD WHISPERED, ' NO .'
SURPRISED AND WANTING TO TALK WITH AN ADULT, THE BOSS ASKED, 'IS YOUR MOMMY THERE?' 'YES .'
'MAY I TALK WITH HER?'
AGAIN THE SMALL VOICE WHISPERED, ' NO .'
HOPING THERE WAS SOMEBODY WITH WHOM HE COULD LEAVE A MESSAGE, THE BOSS ASKED, 'IS ANYBODY ELSE THERE?'  
' YES ,' WHISPERED THE CHILD, ' A POLICEMAN '.  
WONDERING WHAT A COP WOULD BE DOING AT HIS EMPLOYEE'S HOME, THE BOSS ASKED, 'MAY I SPEAK WITH THE POLICEMAN?'  
' NO, HE'S BUSY ', WHISPERED THE CHILD.
'BUSY DOING WHAT?'
' TALKING TO DADDY AND MOMMY AND THE FIREMAN ,' CAME THE WHISPERED ANSWER.
GROWING MORE WORRIED AS HE HEARD A LOUD NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND THROUGH THE EARPIECE ON THE PHONE, THE BOSS ASKED, 'WHAT IS THAT NOISE?'
'  A HELICOPTER ' ANSWERED THE WHISPERING VOICE.
'WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?' DEMANDED THE BOSS, NOW TRULY APPREHENSIVE.
AGAIN, WHISPERING, THE CHILD ANSWERED, ' THE SEARCH TEAM
JUST LANDED A HELICOPTER .'
ALARMED, CONCERNED AND A LITTLE FRUSTRATED THE BOSS ASKED, 'WHAT ARE THEY SEARCHING FOR?'
STILL WHISPERING, THE YOUNG VOICE REPLIED WITH A MUFFLED GIGGLE... ' ME .'

 

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

 

 

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #20 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 20 VOL 10

 

MAY 20^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; WARM, LOW HUMIDITY, 53/82 DEGREES

 

NOT A WHOLE LOT GOING ON TODAY, WE HAD HALEY JO TILL KELLY GOT HOME, GLENDA HAD A DENTIST APPOINTMENT!

MOM AND I PUT UP THE HOOKS FOR HER NEW RETRACTABLE CLOTHES LINE ON THE DECK!

 

I ADDED FREON 134A TO THE ACCLAIM, IT SHOWED TO BE LOW, THERE WERE BUBBLES IN THE SIGHT GLASS BUT IT’S PUTTING OUT COLD, COLD AIR NOW! I HAD TO DO THE SAME THING TO THE INTREPID  A WHILE BACK, NOW, IT’S GOT REAL COLD AIR, WE HAVE TO ADD SOME HOT AIR TO IT OR WE GET REAL COLD! IT SURE IS NICE TO BE ABLE TO SERVICE OUR OWN A/Cs, IF YOU TAKE IT TO A SHOP YOU’LL SPEND ATLEAST $100.00! THEY EVACUATE THE SYSTEM AND CHARGE UP TO $15.00 FOR A CAN OF 134A AND OURS TAKE 3 CANS!

 

BOY, THE HUMMERS ARE REALLY MAKING THEMSELVES KNOWN, THEY FLY IN UNDER THE DECK ROOF CHASING EACH OTHER AND THEY FLY BACK AND FORTH FROM ONE FEEDER TO THE OTHER, THEN THEY GO UP AND SET ON THE HI LINE THAT GOES TO KELLYS! THEY MIGHT SET THERE FOR 4-5 MINUTES THEN HERE THEY COME, MOM CAN HEAR THEIR WINGS BUZZING BUT I CAN’T! THEY’RE WINGS FLAP AT 600 MPH WHEN THEY HOVER TO FEED!

 

KELLY LUCKED OUT ON THE RIDING MOWER, WE THOUGHT THE ENGINE HAD BURNED UP BECAUSE IT WAS OUT OF OIL BUT HE DRAINED OUT THE OIL THAT WAS STILL IN THE PAN AND PUT A QT IN, PULLED THE SPARK PLUG WIRE AND CRANKED IT AROUND TO SPLASH OIL ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF THE ENGINE (IT’S A DIP AND SPLASH SYSTEM, NO OIL PUMP) THEN PUT THE WIRE ON AND STARTED IT, IT MADE A HELL OF A RACKET BUT SOON AS THE OIL GOT CIRCULATED IT QUITED DOWN AND RUNS SMOOTH AND QUIET! THE OLD BOY UP STAIRS KEEPS WATCHING OUT FOR US!

 

 

LESSON 1:
A MAN IS GETTING INTO THE SHOWER JUST AS HIS WIFE IS FINISHING UP HER SHOWER, WHEN THE DOORBELL RINGS.

THE WIFE QUICKLY WRAPS HERSELF IN A TOWEL AND RUNS DOWNSTAIRS.

WHEN SHE OPENS THE DOOR, THERE STANDS BOB, THE NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.

BEFORE SHE SAYS A WORD, BOB SAYS, 'I'LL GIVE YOU $800 TO DROP THAT TOWEL.'

AFTER THINKING FOR A MOMENT, THE WOMAN DROPS HER TOWEL AND STANDS NAKED IN FRONT OF BOB, AFTER A FEW SECONDS, BOB HANDS HER $800 AND LEAVES.

THE WOMAN WRAPS BACK UP IN THE TOWEL AND GOES BACK UPSTAIRS.

WHEN SHE GETS TO THE BATHROOM, HER HUSBAND ASKS, 'WHO WAS THAT?'

'IT WAS BOB THE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR,' SHE REPLIES.

'GREAT,' THE HUSBAND SAYS, 'DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE $800 HE OWES ME?'

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

IF YOU SHARE CRITICAL INFORMATION PERTAINING TO CREDIT AND RISK WITH YOUR SHAREHOLDERS IN TIME, YOU MAY BE IN A POSITION TO PREVENT AVOIDABLE EXPOSURE.
LESSON 2:
A PRIEST OFFERED A NUN A LIFT.

SHE GOT IN AND CROSSED HER LEGS, FORCING HER GOWN TO REVEAL A LEG.

THE PRIEST NEARLY HAD AN ACCIDENT.

AFTER CONTROLLING THE CAR, HE STEALTHILY SLID HIS HAND UP HER LEG.

THE NUN SAID, 'FATHER, REMEMBER PSALM 129?'

THE PRIEST REMOVED HIS HAND. BUT, CHANGING GEARS, HE LET HIS HAND SLIDE UP HER LEG AGAIN.
THE NUN ONCE AGAIN SAID, 'FATHER, REMEMBER PSALM 129?'

THE PRIEST APOLOGIZED 'SORRY SISTER BUT THE FLESH IS WEAK.'

ARRIVING AT THE CONVENT, THE NUN SIGHED HEAVILY AND WENT ON HER WAY.

ON HIS ARRIVAL AT THE CHURCH, THE PRIEST RUSHED TO LOOK UP PSALM 129 IT SAID, 'GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP, YOU WILL FIND GLORY.'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
IF YOU ARE NOT WELL INFORMED IN YOUR JOB, YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
LESSON 3:
A SALES REP, AN ADMINISTRATION CLERK, AND THE MANAGER ARE WALKING TO LUNCH WHEN THEY FIND AN ANTIQUE OIL LAMP.

THEY RUB IT AND A GENIE COMES OUT.
THE GENIE SAYS, 'I'LL GIVE EACH OF YOU JUST ONE WISH.'
'ME FIRST! ME FIRST!' SAYS THE ADMIN CLERK. 'I WANT TO BE IN THE BAHAMAS , DRIVING A SPEEDBOAT, WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.'
PUFF! SHE'S GONE.

'ME NEXT! ME NEXT!' SAYS THE SALES REP. 'I WANT TO BE IN HAWAII , RELAXING ON THE BEACH WITH MY PERSONAL MASSEUSE, AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF PINA COLADAS AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.'

PUFF! HE'S GONE.

'OK, YOU'RE UP,' THE GENIE SAYS TO THE MANAGER.
THE MANAGER SAYS, 'I WANT THOSE TWO BACK IN THE OFFICE AFTER LUNCH.'

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:
ALWAYS LET YOUR BOSS HAVE THE FIRST SAY.
LESSON 4
AN EAGLE WAS SITTING ON A TREE RESTING, DOING NOTHING.

A SMALL RABBIT SAW THE EAGLE AND ASKED HIM, 'CAN I ALSO SIT LIKE YOU AND DO NOTHING?'
THE EAGLE ANSWERED: 'SURE, WHY NOT.'

 

SO, THE RABBIT SAT ON THE GROUND BELOW THE EAGLE AND RESTED. ALL OF A SUDDEN, A FOX APPEARED, JUMPED ON THE RABBIT AND ATE IT.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:
TO BE SITTING AND DOING NOTHING, YOU MUST BE SITTING VERY, VERY HIGH UP.

 

LESSON 5
A TURKEY WAS CHATTING WITH A BULL.

'I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO GET TO THE TOP OF THAT TREE' SIGHED THE TURKEY, 'BUT I HAVEN'T GOT THE ENERGY.'
'WELL, WHY DON'T YOU NIBBLE ON SOME OF MY DROPPINGS?' REPLIED THE BULL. THEY'RE PACKED WITH NUTRIENTS.'

THE TURKEY PECKED AT A LUMP OF DUNG, AND FOUND IT ACTUALLY GAVE HIM ENOUGH STRENGTH TO REACH THE LOWEST BRANCH OF THE TREE.

THE NEXT DAY, AFTER EATING SOME MORE DUNG, HE REACHED THE SECOND BRANCH.

FINALLY AFTER A FOURTH NIGHT, THE TURKEY WAS PROUDLY PERCHED AT THE TOP OF THE TREE.

HE WAS PROMPTLY SPOTTED BY A FARMER, WHO SHOT HIM OUT OF THE TREE.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
BULL SHIT MIGHT GET YOU TO THE TOP, BUT IT WON'T KEEP YOU THERE..

 

LESSON 6
A LITTLE BIRD WAS FLYING SOUTH FOR THE WINTER. IT WAS SO COLD THE BIRD FROZE AND FELL TO THE GROUND INTO A LARGE FIELD.

WHILE HE WAS LYING THERE, A COW CAME BY AND DROPPED SOME DUNG ON HIM.

AS THE FROZEN BIRD LAY THERE IN THE PILE OF COW DUNG, HE BEGAN TO REALIZE HOW WARM HE WAS.

THE DUNG WAS ACTUALLY THAWING HIM OUT!

HE LAY THERE ALL WARM AND HAPPY, AND SOON BEGAN TO SING FOR JOY.
A PASSING CAT HEARD THE BIRD SINGING AND CAME TO INVESTIGATE.

FOLLOWING THE SOUND, THE CAT DISCOVERED THE BIRD UNDER THE PILE OF COW DUNG, AND PROMPTLY DUG HIM OUT AND ATE HIM.

 

MORALS OF THE STORY:
(1) NOT EVERYONE WHO SHITS ON YOU IS YOUR ENEMY.

(2) NOT EVERYONE WHO GETS YOU OUT OF SHIT IS YOUR
FRIEND.

(3) AND WHEN YOU'RE IN DEEP SHIT, IT'S BEST TO KEEP
YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
AND SEND THIS TO FIVE BRIGHT PEOPLE WHO HAVE ENOUGH SENSE OF HUMOR TO TAKE IT!

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

 

HOWARD

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #19 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 19 VOL 10

 

MAY 19^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; HOT, MED HUMIDITY, 56/102 DEGREES

 

I WATCHED THE HUMMERS TILL ABOUT 11AM THEN MOM HAD TO GO TO THE BANK AND SHOPPING FOR GROCERIES AND GARDEN THINGS! IT WAS JUST TOO DAMN HOT FOR ME TO DO ANYTHING OUT SIDE SO I TURNED THE LIVING ROOM A/C ON!  IT COOLED THE LIVING ROOM DOWN PRETTY GOOD BUT WE NEED TO START IT BEFORE IT GETS TO 80 DEGREES SO IT CAN CATCH UP! WHEN IT FINALLY COOLED OFF LATE IN THE AFTERNOON I WASHED THE BIRD FEEDERS, WE WERE GOING TO PUT THE SOLUTION IN THEM AND HAND THEM BACK UP IN THE MORNING BUT, AS I WAS SETTING THERE THE TWO OF THEM STARTED CIRCLING THE CHAINS WE HANG THEM ON SO MOM MADE UP THE SOLUTION AND WE PUT THEM BACK ON THE CHAINS! WITHIN 5 MINUTES THE RUBY THROATED ONE WAS FLYING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THEM! THEY ARE DEMANDING LITTLE CREATURES BUT SO MUCH ENTERTAINMENT FOR US WE DON’T MIND!

 

FOR THE LAST TWO OR THREE NIGHTS AFTER MOM GOES TO BED I’VE BEEN WATCHING SOME OLD RUDOLPH VALENTINO MOVIES; “MORAN OF THE LADY LITTY” and “THE YOUNG RHAJA!” I STILL HAVE ONE MORE TO WATCH; “BEYOND THE ROCKS!” MORAN OF THE LADY LITTY IS A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT’S SILENT AND THE FILM IS JERKY! IT HAS A DECENT STORY LINE AND I’D LIKE TO SEE IT MADE WITH THE MODERN EQUIPMENT OF TODAYS MOVIE COMPANYS! THE YOUNG RHAJA IS OK BUT DOESN’T HAVE THE STORY LINE OR THE ACTION OF THE OTHER ONE! MORAN OF THE LADY LITTY KEEPS YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT WAITING FOR THE NEXT SCENE TO START DEVELOPING!

 

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THIS HOT WEATHER, IT NEVER USED TO BOTHER ME BUT TODAY REALLY GOT ME DOWN! I HAD TO CALL THE VA ABOUT THE MEDICINE THE DOCTOR GAVE ME; IT MADE ME DIZZY, AND CAUSED A HIATAL HERNIA WHICH I HAVEN’T HAD FOR OVER 20 YEARS! I TOLD THE NURSE WHAT IT WAS CAUSING AND SHE SAID; “THE MEDICINE SHOULDN’T CAUSE THOSE THINGS! I ASK HER IF SHE READ THE “SIDE EFFECTS” LISTED IN THE PAPER WORK THE PHARMACY SENDS WITH THE MEDICINE AND ALL SHE SAID WAS SHE WOULD GIVE DR. GEORGE THE MESSAGE AND I SHOULD STOP TAKING THE MEDICINE AND TO CALL IN A FEW DAYS IF THE SYMPTONS STOP WE’LL KNOW IT’S THE MEDICINE! THIS IS THE 2^ND TIME THIS NURSE HAS SAID THAT TO ME SO I’M EITHER GOING TO DR. GEORGE OR THE DIRECTOR! SOMEBODY ISN’T DOING THEIR JOB AND I’M GETTING GUN SHY!

 

ANOTHER FUNNY!

 

BONELESS CHICKEN BREASTS

A SUPERMARKET HAD A SALE ON BONELESS CHICKEN BREASTS, AND A WOMAN I KNOW INTENDED TO STOCK UP. AT THE STORE, HOWEVER, SHE WAS DISAPPOINTED TO FIND ONLY A FEW SKIMPY PREPACKAGED PORTIONS OF THE POULTRY, SO SHE COMPLAINED TO THE BUTCHER.

"DON'T WORRY, YA ," HE SAID. "I'LL PACK SOME MORE TRAYS AND HAVE THEM READY FOR YOU BY THE TIME YOU FINISH SHOPPING."

SEVERAL AISLES LATER, MY FRIEND HEARD THE BUTCHER'S VOICE BOOM OVER THE PUBLIC-ADDRESS SYSTEM: "WILL THE LADY WHO WANTED BIGGER BREASTS PLEASE MEET ME AT THE BACK OF THE STORE."

THAT’S “30 FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD