DAILY CHRONICLE #29 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 29 VOL 11

JUNE 29^TH 2008

WEATHER; WARM, LOW HUMIDITY, 66/88 DEGREES

 

WE TOOK THE ACCLAIM TO 8:00 MASS THIS MORNING AND THE A/C WAS WORKING FINE SO WE CUT IT OFF BECAUSE IT WAS NICE AND COOL OUTSIDE! AFTER MASS COLLEEN AND DICK INVITED US TO BREAKFAST WITH THEM AT “CRACKER BARRELL” AND WE ACCEPTED! WHEN WE HEADED HOME I TURNED ON THE A/C AND WITHIN 2-3 MINUTES HAD TO ADD A LITTLE OUTSIDE AIR TO THE COLD! IF THIS WILL ONLY KEEP UP WE’LL MAKE IT THOUGH THE SUMMER WITHOUT ANYMORE TROUBLE, WE HOPE!

 

KELLY IS GOING TO DRIVE THE INTREPID TO WORK ON MONDAY AND SEE IF HE CAN GET MIKE TO RIDE WITH HIM TO FIND OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE LOSS OF POWER ON A SLIGHT INCLINE!

 WHEN WE GOT HOME FROM CHURCH I STARTED THE INTREPID AND LET IT WARM UP, THEN SHUT IT OFF AND LET IT SET FOR A FEW MINUTES AND OPENED THE HOOD AND CHECKED THE PATCH ON THE RADIATOR TANK END! NO LEAK SO, I’LL KEEP CHECKING IT  TO BE SURE SOMETHING DOESN’T CAUSE IT TO START LEAKING! THE J.B. WELD STICK EPOXY COST BETWEEN $3-$4.OO, THAT BEATS THE HELL OUT OF $113.86 INCLUDING TAX AND S&H THAT I FOUND ONE ON THE INTERNET FOR! WE MAY STILL HAVE TO REPLACE IT IF THE PATCH FAILS FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER!

 

I GO BACK TO THE VA TOMORROW AFTERNOON FOR ANOTHER SET OF AIDS! THEY’RE GOING BACK TO THE TYPE I HAD BEFORE THESE AUTOMATICS! WHEN WE WERE EATING BREAKFAST WITH COLLEEN AND DICK THIS MORNING, MOM HAD TO KEEP TELLING ME WHAT THEY WERE SAYING AND THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE! AND, I HAD TO LOOK AT MOM WHEN SHE TALKED TO ME!  IT GETS DOWN RIGHT EMBARRASSING SOME TIMES! I FEEL LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG! I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE HEARING HORN THEY USED IN THE EARLY DAYS, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I WISH I HAD ONE, I CAN CUP MY HAND BEHIND MY EAR AND REALLY HEAR BETTER THAN WITH THE AID BUT MY ARM GETS TIRED AND IT DOESN’T LOOK VERY GOOD IN PUBLIC!

 

HERE’S ONE OF THE FIRST “DIRTY” JOKES I WAS TOLD WHEN I WAS ABOUT 8-9 YEARS OLD;

TWO HOBOS WERE WALKING DOWN A RAILROAD TRACK; ONE SAID TO THE OTHER, “DID YOU MESS IN YOUR PANTS? SOMETHING SURE SMELLS BAD”! “NOPE”, ANSWERED THE SECOND ONE! THEY WALKED A WHILE LONGER AND THE FIRST ONE REPEATED THE QUESTION BUT, ADDED, “ARE YOU SURE”? THE SECOND ONE GOT MAD AND SAID, “STOP RIGHT HERE AND I’LL PULL MY PANTS DOWN AND SHOW YOU”! HE UNDID HIS SUSPENDERS AND UNBUTTONED THE PANTS AND PULLED AND TUGGED FOR ALL HE WAS WORTH FINALLY GETTING THEM DOWN AND THE SMELL ALMOST KNOCKED THEM OVER “YOU LIAR, YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T MESS IN YOUR PANTS BUT JUST LOOK AT THE MESS!, YOU WALK BEHIND ME TILL WE GET TO WATER AND YOU CAN CLEAN UP” SAID THE FIRST ONE.

“I’M SORRY” SAID THE SECOND ONE!  “I THOUGHT YOU MEANT TODAY”!

 

THIS WAS TOLD TO ME AND BARRY AND BARBARA EVANS BY THEIR OLDER BROTHE PAUL! THERE WAS A BIG CASTER BEAN BUSH IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE WHERE WE USED TO HIDE AND SMOKE THE CASTERBEAN STEMS AND TELL WHAT WE THOUGHT WERE DIRTY JOKES! WE REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE TOUGH!

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #28 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 28 VOL 11

JUNE 28^TH 2008

WEATHER; WARM, HIGH HUMIDITY, 73/96 DEGREES

 

I PUMPED THE COOLING SYSTEM IN THE INTREPID UP TO 17 LBS AND LEFT IT FOR 15 MINUTES, WHEN I RETURNED IT WAS STILL HOLDING 17 LBS I NOW KNOW THAT THE J.B. WELD STICK WORKS AND HAS LIVED UP TO IT’S REPUTATION, “IT WILL FIX ANYTHING!”

THEN I TRIED TO PUMP UP THE RADIATOR CAP AND IT WOULDN’T EVEN START TO BUILD PRESSURE SO I PUT THE NEW CAP I HAD ON!

KELLY HAD TO WORK ON THE A/C ON THE ACCLAIM AGAIN, IT LOST ALL THE FREON! HE FOUND A LOSE SCHRADER VALVE IN THE HIGH SIDE ADAPTER WE PUT ON WHEN WE CONVERTED TO 134A SO HE CHANGED THAT AND PULLED A VACUMM ON THE SYSTEM, IT HELD  30 INCHES OF VACUMM FOR 30 MINUTES SO HE PUT MORE FREON IN AND RAN IT CHECKING FOR FREON WITH THE ELECTRONIC DETECTOR WE HAVE AND FOUND NONE! WE’LL KNOW IN THE MORNING!

WE HAD A BIG PILE OF BRUSH AND TREE TRIMMINGS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YARD, MOM AND KELLY SET IT ON FIRE AND IT BURNED DOWN TO THE GROUND! I THINK THAT’S WHERE KELLY IS GOING TO BUILD A BURN PIT USING CONCRETE BLOCKS WE HAVE! WE ALSO HAVE A PILE OF USED RED BRICK THAT HE COULD USE! I THINK THE CONCRETE BLOCK WOULD BE BETTER BUT IF HE USES THEM HE’LL HAVE TO PUT A COAT OF FIRE PLACE PLASTER ON THE INSIDE!

 

RUBBER BALL SPECS

A MATHMATICIAN, A PHYSICIST, AND AN ENGINEER WERE ALL GIVEN A RED RUBBER BALL AND TOLD TO FIND THE VOLUME.

THE MATHMATICIAN CAREFULLY MEASURED THE DIAMETER AND EVALUATED A TRIPLE INTEGRAL.

THE PHYSICIST FILLED A BEAKER WITH WATER, PUT THE BALL IN THE WATER, AND MEASURED THE TOTAL DISPLACEMENT.

THE ENGINEER LOOKED UP THE MODEL AND SERIAL NUMBERS IN HIS RED-RUBBER-BALL TABLE.

 

CHEMIST SPEAK

A CHEMIST WALKS INTO A PHARMACY AND ASKS THE PHARMACIST, "DO YOU HAVE ANY ACETYLSALICYLIC ACID?"

"YOU MEAN ASPIRIN?" ASKED THE PHARMACIST.

"THAT'S IT, I CAN NEVER REMEMBER THAT WORD."

 

SHAPING UP FOR A GOOD EXCUSE

THIS POLICEMAN PULLED A CAR OVER AND TOLD THE MAN DRIVING THAT HE WAS GOING 50 MPH IN A 40 MPH ZONE.

"I WAS ONLY GOING 40!" THE DRIVER PROTESTED.

"NOT ACCORDING TO MY RADAR," THE OFFICER REPLIED.

"YES, I WAS!" THE MAN SHOUTED BACK.

"NO YOU WEREN'T!" THE POLICEMAN SAID, STARTING TO GET ANNOYED. WITH THAT, THE MAN'S WIFE LEANED TOWARD THE WINDOW AND SAID,

"OFFICER, I SHOULD WARN YOU NOT TO ARGUE WITH MY HUSBAND WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING."

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #27 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NMUBER 27 VOL 11

JUNE 27^TH 2008

WEATHER; HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 74/99 DEGREES

 

WENT OUT AND FILLED THE RADIATOR IN THE INTREPID THEN   STARTED IT AND WARMED IT UP, SO FAR NO LEAK! I’M GOING TO LET IT COOL OFF AND USE THE STANT RADIATOR PRESSURE TESTER WE HAVE TO SEE HOW MUCH PRESSURE IT’LL HOLD? I’LL ALSO TEST THE CAP TO BE SURE IT HOLDS THE REQUIRED PRESSURE! THEY BOTH NEED TO HOLD 16#! IF ALLTHESE TEST SHOW POSITIVE WE’RE HOME FREE AND THE J.B. WELD STICK EPOXY HAS LIVED UP TO IT’S CLAIMS, “IT WILL FIX ANYTHING”!

 

MOM STARTED USING THE LITTLE TRACTOR TRAVELING SPRINKLER TODAY, WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHERE IT GOES, IF ONE OF THE DRIVE WHEELS GOES IN A HOLE IT LEANS TO THE SIDE AND ONE OF THE SPRINKLER WANDS HITS THE GROUND AND EVERYTHING STOPS TILL WE GO OUT AND MOVE IT TO GOOD GROUND! THE TWERLING WANDS ARE WHAT MAKE IT MOVE, YOU AIM THEM ONE WAY AND THAT’S FORWARD, REVERSE THEM AND IT GOES BACKWARDS! IT GOES FAST OR SLOR DEPENDING ON WHICH SLOT YOU PUT THE SELECTOR IN, THE NEUTRAL SLOT IS IN BETWEEN FAST AND SLOW!  THE MAKERS OF IT OFFER A SET OF TRACTOR TREADS LIKE USED ON A TANK THAT WILL STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING! I’M GOING TO LOOK INTO THE COST AND WILL PROBABLY ORDER THEM IF THEY’RE NOT TOO EXPENSIVE! ANYTHING TO MAKE IT EASIER ON MOM DOING HER OUTSIDE WORK!

 

PEGGY RACES THIS WEEKEND AND SAID SHE’LL KEEP ME POSTED ON HOW SHE DOES AND HOW THE CAR PERFORMS FOR HER!

 

COLLEEN AND DICK ARE GETTING ALONG JUST FINE, THE HEAT IS A LITTLE HARD ON DICK AND I GUESS SLOWS HIM DOWN IN THE AFTERNOON! HE GETS UP EARLY AND DOES HIS THINGS THEN LATE IN THE AFTERNOON HE ALSO GETS SOME WORK DONE! COLLEEN REALLY LOVES HER JOB AND FROM WHAT WE HEAR THE MANAGEMENT REALLY LIKE HER!

 

MIKE IS FINALLY FINISHING UP ON HIS BOSSES HOUSE TODAY AND THE PEOPLE WERE MOVING IN AS HE PICKED UP HIS TOOLS!

 

KERRY IS DOING FINE AND I THINK THIS WEEKEND HE STARTS HIS 3 WEEKS OFF! THE LAST I HEARD THEY HAD TO GO TO MIAMI AND FINISH UP SOME THINGS ABOUT THE HOUSE DOWN THERE!

 

KELLY IS ALL TUCKERED OUT WHEN HE GETS HOME FROM WORK AND USUALLY JUST FEEDS THE DOGS AND DOES ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAN’T WAIT AND NEEDS TO BE DONE!

 

SHANNON AND KONNER ARE DOING JUST FINE, SHE HAS TO KEEP HIM IN THE APARTMENT IT’S SO HOT! SHE WAS GOING TO TAKE HER CAR BACK TO WHERE THEY WORKED ON THE A/C IT BLOWS COLD OUT OF THE OUTSIDE VENTS AND WARM/COOL OUT OF THE CENTER ONES! TIM CHECKED IT OUT AND SAID IT ACTS LIKE THEY LEFT A VACUMM HOSE OFF ONE OF THE DIAPHRAMS THAT CLOSES THE OUTSIDE AIR DOOR OR IT’S PARTIALLY BLOCKED OPEN! THEY HAD THE WHOLE DASH OUT OF THE CAR TO CHANGE THE EXPANSION VALVE SO WHO KNOWS WHAT IS WRONG! I HAVEN’T HEARD IF SHE DID!

 

TIM AND ELYSE ARE DOING AS GOOD AS CAN BE EXPECTED WITH ALL THE RIPPING UP OF FLOORS TO REPAIR WATER LEAKS UNDER THE SLAB AND REPLACING TILE, CARPET AND WOOD FLOORING! TIM HAS BEEN WORKING FROM HOME WHEN HE HAS TO BE THERE FOR THE WORKERS! HE JUST TAPS INTO HIS COMPUTER AT WORK! HE’S PUT A BID IN FOR ANOTHER POSITION WITHIN THE COMPANY, I HAVEN’T HEARD IF HE GOT IT OR NOT!

 

MOM AND I ARE DOING FINE! THIS THING WITH THE VA AND MY HEARING REVALUATION HAS US UPSET!  THE DOCTOR of AUDIOLOGY WE WENT TO WHO DID MY LATEST HEARING TEST TRIED TO GET MY RECORDS FROM THE AUDIOLOGIST THE VA SENT ME TO ON THE 2^ND OF MAY, 2008 SAID HE DIDN’T HAVE TO FURNISH ANY RECORDS TO ANY BODY ACCORDING TO HIS CONTRACT WITH THE VA! TALK ABOUT PROFESSIONAL COURTESY! MY DOCTOR IS GOING ON WITH THE RECORDS FROM BONHAM VA AUDIOLOGISTS! I’M THINKING ABOUT RUNNING AN INFORMATION AD IN THE ARDMORE NEWSPAPER TELLING THE READERS NOT TO USE THIS AUDIOLOGISTS FOR HEARING TEST BECAUSE HE DOESN’T GIVE A TRUE REPORT ON HIS FINDINGS AND THE PATIENT MAY NOT NEED HEARING AIDS AT ALL!

 

SINGLE-MINDED

A MAN GOES TO A PSYCHOLOGIST AND SAYS, "DOC I GOT A REAL PROBLEM, I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT RELATIONS."

THE PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS, "WELL LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND OUT", AND PULLS OUT HIS INK BLOTS. "WHAT IS THIS A PICTURE OF?" HE ASKS.

THE MAN TURNS THE PICTURE UPSIDE DOWN THEN TURNS IT AROUND AND STATES, "THAT'S A MAN AND A WOMAN HAVING RELATIONS."

THE PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS, "VERY INTERESTING," AND SHOWS THE NEXT PICTURE. "AND WHAT IS THIS A PICTURE OF?"

THE MAN LOOKS AND TURNS IT IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS AND SAYS, "THAT'S A MAN AND A WOMAN HAVING RELATIONS."

THE PSYCHOLOGISTS TRIES AGAIN WITH THE THIRD INK BLOT, AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION, "WHAT IS THIS A PICTURE OF?"

THE PATIENT AGAIN TURNS IT IN ALL DIRECTIONS AND REPLIES, "THAT'S A MAN AND A WOMAN HAVING RELATIONS."

THE PSYCHOLOGIST STATES, "WELL, YES, YOU DO SEEM TO BE OBSESSED WITH RELATIONS."

"ME!?" DEMANDS THE  PATIENT  "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KEEPS SHOWING ME THE DIRTY PICTURES!"

 

TEN YEARS

AN APPLICANT WAS BEING INTERVIEWED FOR ADMISSION TO A PROMINENT MEDICAL SCHOOL. "TELL ME," INQUIRED THE INTERVIEWER, "WHERE DO YOU EXPECT TO BE TEN YEARS FROM NOW?"

"WELL, LET'S SEE," REPLIED THE STUDENT. "IT'S WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON. I GUESS I'LL BE ON THE GOLF COURSE BY NOW."

 

PERILS OF DRINK

DOCTOR: "IT'S NO GOOD. I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU. IT MUST JUST BE THE EFFECTS OF DRINKING."

PATIENT: "I'LL COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE SOBER THEN!"

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #26 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NMUBER 26 VOL 11

JUNE 26^TH 2008

WEATHER; HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 74/97 DEGREES

 

I FINALLY WENT OUT AND USED THE DREMAL WITH A SANDING DRUM ON IT TO ROUGHEN UP THE PLACE THE INTREPID RADIATOR HAS BEEN LEAKING THEN, I PINCHED OFF A PIECE OF THE J.B.WELD STICK EPOXY AND KNEEDED IT TO AN EVEN COLOR AND PUT IT ON THE PLACE THAT LEAKED! IT SAYS IT WILL BE CURED ENOUGH IN 1 HOUR TO SAND, DRILL, GRIND OR FILE BUT THE COMPLETE CURING WILL BE IN 24 HOURS SO I’M WAITING THE 24 HOURS BEFORE I PUT WATER IN THE RADIATOR AND START THE ENGINE TO GET IT CIRCULATED AND WARMED UP! THEN, WE’LL SEE WHAT TAKES PLACE!

 

I CONTACTED A WEBSITE THAT HAS 13 DODGE EXPERT MECHANICS ON THE STAFF BUT THEY WANT UP TO $30.00 TO TELL ME WHERE TO FIND THE MAF SENSOR ON THE INTREPIDS INTAKE MANIFOLD! THE MANUAL SHOWS WHERE IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE BUT IT ISN’T THERE! I FILLED OUT A REQUEST FOR INFORMATION FORM FOR CHRYSLER AND IN THE MORNING I HAVE TO PUT THE VIN # ON THE FORM AND SEND IT! THERE’S NO CHARGE FOR THIS INFORMATION FROM CHRYSLER!

 

IT’S POSSIBLE EVEN THOUGH THE MAF SENSOR SHOWS IN THE MANUAL THERE ISN’T ONE ON THIS CAR! ON THE FORM I’M SENDING TO CHRYSLER I’VE ALSO TOLD THEM WHAT THE PROBLEM IS AND I’M ASKING THEM FOR A SOLUTION!

 

FASCINATE

A TEACHER ASKS HER CLASS IF ANYONE CAN USE THE WORD FASCINATE IN A SENTENCE. BRIAN RAISES HIS HAND AND SAYS, "THE SKY IS FASCINATING."

THE TEACHER SAYS, "NO THAT'S FASCINATING."

JENNIFER RAISES HER HAND AND SAYS, "WHEN I SAW THE TIGERS AT THE ZOO I WAS FASCINATED."

THE TEACHER SAYS, "NO THAT'S FASCINATED."

SO FINALLY LITTLE JOHNNY RAISES HIS HAND AND SAYS, "MY MOM BOUGHT A NEW BLOUSE WITH 12 PEARL BUTTONS, BUT HER CHEST'S SO BIG SHE COULD ONLY FASTEN EIGHT!"

 

ARRIVING LATE

A CERTAIN PROFESSOR ARRIVED LATE FOR A LECTURE TO FIND A MOST UNCOMPLIMENTARY DRAWING OF HIMSELF ON THE BLACKBOARD.

FUMING, HE ASKED THE CLASS JOKER IN THE FRONT ROW, "WHO, PRAY, WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS ATROCITY?"

THE JOKER WON TREMENDOUS PRESTIGE WITH HIS REPLY, "I REALLY DON'T KNOW, BUT I STRONGLY SUSPECT ITS PARENTS."

 

MAKING A DEAL

AFTER GOD HAD CREATED ADAM HE NOTICED THAT HE LOOKED VERY LONELY. HE DECIDED TO HELP.

HE SAID, "ADAM, I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE YOU A WOMAN. SHE'LL LOVE YOU, COOK FOR YOU, BE SWEET TO YOU, AND UNDERSTAND YOU."

ADAM SAID "GREAT! HOW MUCH WILL SHE COST ME?"

THE ANSWER CAME BACK, "AN ARM AND A LEG."

"WELL," SAID ADAM "WHAT CAN I GET FOR A RIB?"

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #25 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 25 VOL 11

JUNE 25^TH 2008

WEATHER; HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 72/98 DEGREES

 

I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THE AIR CONDITIONING IN THE ACCLAIM WENT OUT YESTERDAY! MIKE HAD SERVICED IT 2 WEEKS AGO AND COULDN’T FIND ANY PLACE WHERE IT LEAKED! KELLY CHECKED IT YESTERDAY AND FOUND A BUNCH OF LITTLE PIN HOLES IN THE DRYER SO THAT’S WHERE WE HAVE BEEN LOSING FREON BUT IT WAS SO SLIGHT IT DIDN’T SHOW UP WHEN MIKE TESTED IT! I CALLED AND ORDERED A NEW DRYER THAT CAME IN TODAY AND KELLY PUT IT IN AND ADDED FREON AND STOP LEAK! NOW WE’LL SEE HOW LONG IT LAST, IF THIS FREON LEAKS OUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK, I’VE BEEN ALL UNDER THE DASH WITH AN ELECTRONIC DETECTOR AND ALL OVER THE HOSES AND CONNECTIONS INCLUDING THE EXPANSION VALVE AND DIDN’T FIND ANY LEAKS! THE ONE PLACE I HAVEN’T CHECKED IS THE CONDENSER BUT, ANY LEAK THERE WOULD SHOW OIL AROUND IT WHICH I’D BE ABLE TO SEE UNLESS IT ON THE SIDE TOWARDS THE RADIATOR, I HOPE IT NOT THE CONDENSER! IF IT IS POSSIBLY THE STOP LEAK WILL TAKE CARE OF IT!

 

GLENDA AND HALEY JO TOOK US TO BONHAM AND TO THE AUDIOLOGIST OFFICE TO DROP OFF THE REPORT FROM THE BONHAM AUDIOLOGISTS! THEN WE WENT TO LUNCH AND THEN HOME! THIS RUNNING AROUND REALLY EXHAUST ME, WHEN WE GOT HOME I SAT IN MY CHAIR AND WAS ASLEEP IN A MATTER OF MINUTES! I WOKE UP WHEN KELLY CAME IN TO GET THE KEYS TO THE ACCLAIM SO HE COULD PULL IT DOWN IN THE SHADE TO WORK ON IT! MOM STAYED DOWN WITH KELLY TO HELP HIM IF HE NEEDED ANY! WE’VE HAD A LEAK IN THE POWER STEERING EVER SINCE WE’VE HAD THE CAR BUT HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FIND IT, WE JUST ADD FLUID WHEN IT GROWLS! WE’RE GOING TO TRY SOME NEW P/S STOP LEAK AND HOPE THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF IT! I DON’T LIKE TO FIX THINGS LIKE THAT BUT, THIS HAS GOT TO BE SO SLIGHT IT TAKES QUITE A WHILE FOR THE P/S TO GROWL!

 

I BOUGHT SOME J.B. WELD STICK EPOXY AND AM GOING TO SEE IF IT WILL STOP THE RADIATOR LEAK IN THE INTREPID THIS IS THE LAST RESORT, AFTER THIS IT’S A NEW RADIATOR! I’M STILL LOOKING FOR THE MASS AIR FLOW SENSOR, INFACT WHEN I’M DONE WITH THIS ISSUE OF THE CHRONICLE I’M GOING ON LINE TO GOOGLE AND SEE IF THEY CAN TELL ME WHERE IT’S LOCATED ON THE ENGINE!

 

MORE FROM ARCAMAX!

 

ANYONE FOR A CIGAR

A DEFENDANT IN A LAWSUIT INVOLVING LARGE SUMS OF MONEY WAS TALKING TO HIS LAWYER. "IF I LOSE THIS CASE, I'LL BE RUINED!"

"IT'S IN THE JUDGE'S HANDS NOW," SAID THE LAWYER.

"DO YOU THINK IT WOULD IT HELP IF I SENT THE JUDGE A BOX OF CIGARS"

"NO! THE JUDGE IS A STICKLER ON ETHICAL BEHAVIOR. A STUNT LIKE THAT WOULD PREJUDICE HIM AGAINST YOU. HE MIGHT EVEN HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT."

WITHIN THE COURSE OF TIME, THE JUDGE RENDERED A DECISION IN FAVOR OF THE DEFENDANT. AS THE DEFENDANT LEFT THE COURTHOUSE, HE SAID TO HIS LAWYER, "THANKS FOR THE TIP ABOUT THE CIGARS. IT REALLY WORKED!"

CONFIDENTLY THE LAWYER RESPONDED, "I'M SURE WE WOULD HAVE LOST THE CASE IF YOU'D SENT THEM."

"BUT I DID SEND THEM.", REPLIED THE MAN.

"WHAT?" SHOUTED THE LAWYER?

"I SURE DID, THAT'S HOW WE WON THE CASE... GOOD THING I REMEMBERED TO ENCLOSE THE PLAINTIFF'S BUSINESS CARD."

 

THE OLDER GOLFER

"HOW WAS YOUR GOLF GAME, DEAR?" ASKED JACK'S WIFE TRACY.

"WELL, I WAS HITTING PRETTY WELL, BUT MY EYESIGHT'S GOTTEN SO BAD I COULDN'T SEE WHERE THE BALL WENT."

"BUT YOU'RE SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, JACK!" ADMONISHED HIS WIFE, "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE MY BROTHER SCOTT ALONG?"

"BUT HE'S EIGHTY-FIVE AND DOESN'T EVEN PLAY GOLF ANYMORE," PROTESTED JACK.

"BUT HE'S GOT PERFECT EYESIGHT. HE COULD WATCH YOUR BALL," TRACY POINTED OUT.

THE NEXT DAY JACK TEED OFF WITH SCOTT LOOKING ON. JACK SWUNG, AND THE BALL DISAPPEARED DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FAIRWAY. "DO YOU SEE IT" ASKED JACK.

"YUP," SCOTT ANSWERED.

"WELL WHERE IS IT YELLED JACK” PEERING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.

"I FORGOT."

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #24 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 24 VOL 11

JUNE 24^TH 2008

WEATHER; HOT, MED HUMIDITY, 70/93 DEGREES

 

MOM AND I HAD AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE VETERANS STATE SERVICE OFFICER THIS MORNING IN DURANT, OKLA.! ON JUNE THE 10^TH I GOT A LETTER FROM THE VA OFFICE IN MUSKOGEE, OKLA. THAT THE VA WAS PROPOSING TO CUT MY DISABILITY BENEFIT FROM 60% TO 30% WHICH AMOUNTS TO AROUND $650.00! THE STATE SERVICE OFFICER SAID WE WOULD HAVE TO GET AT LEAST ONE OR TWO AUDIOLOGY TEST DONE TO FIGHT THE PROPOSED CUT! WE CAME HOME AND MOM STARTED CALLING THE LOCAL AUDIOLOGIST TO FIND OUT WHAT THE COST WOULD BE?

THEY ALL WERE ABOUT THE SAME, $150.00 FOR THE HEARING TEST AND $500.00 FOR THE REPORT! I CALLED BONHAM VA AND TALKED TO THE AUDIOLOGIST THAT TAKES CARE OF ME AND SHE TALKED TO MOM AND TOLD US WHAT WE NEEDED TO DO BUT SHE COULDN’T DO IT! ONE OF THE AUDIOLOGIST RECEPTIONEST CALLED MOM BACK AND GAVE HER THE NAME AND PHONE # OF THE LOCAL VA SERVICE OFFICER, I CALLED HIM AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION TO HIM! HE SAID TO COME IN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE WITH THE LETTER FROM THE VA IN MUSKOGEE, OKLA.

NEEDLESS TO SAY WE WERE THERE IN LESS THAN A ½ HOUR! HE SUGGESTED I GO HAVE THE HEARING TEST DONE BY THE AUDIOLOGIST HE SENDS VETERANS TO, IT TURNS OUT THIS DR. IS A “DOCTOR OF AUDIOLOGY” WHICH MEANS HE HAS A MASTERS IN AUDIOLOGY! THEN WE GAVE HIM THE LETTER WITH THE AUDIOLOGIST REPORT THAT THE VA HAD SENT ME TO LAST MAY 2^ND, AFTER LOOKING AT IT HE DID MY TEST! THIS DR. NUMBERS DON’T COME CLOSE TO MATCHING THE ONE FROM THE AUDIOLOGISTS THE VA SENT ME TO LAST MAY!

WHEN WE GOT HOME MOM E-MAILED HIM THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE DR. THE VA HAD SENT ME TO, TOMORROW WE HAVE TO GO TO BONHAM VA AND PICK UP THE TEST RESULTS FROM JUNE OF 2007, THE LAST TIME BONHAM AUDIOLOGIST TESTED ME THEN HE’LL COMPARE THEM AND SEND HIS RESULTS AND OPINION TO THE LOCAL VA SERVICE OFFICER WHO WILL SEND THEM TO THE VA IN MUSKOGEE, OKLA. WITH A FORM HE’LL FILL OUT ABOUT MY PROTESTING THE VAs PROPOSED CUT IN MY BENEFITS! THIS WON’T BE THE $500.00 REPORT JUST HIS OPINION BASED ON HIS TEST COMPARED TO THE ONE FROM THE AUDIOLOGIST THE VA SENT ME TO! IF I HAD TO GUESS I WOULD BET THE OPINION OF A “DOCTOR OF AUDIOLOGY” WILL CARRY MORE WEIGHT THAN AN AUDIOLOGISTS REPORT THAT’S SO FAR OFF IT ISN’T FUNNY! ACTUALLY, MY HEARING IS GETTING WORSE EVEN WITH THE TOP OF THE LINE AID I STILL HAVE TO ASK MOM WHAT SOMEONE SAID IN A CONVERSATION!

 

WHILE WAITING TO GO HAVE THE HEARING TEST DONE WE WENT AND VISITED SHANNON AND WATCHED A MOVIE, I SLEPT THROUGH MOST OF IT AS USUAL!

OTHER THAN ALL THIS WE DIDN’T DO TOO MUCH TODAY!

 

SOUND OF DRUMS

A RESEARCHER ARRIVES IN BORNEO TO GATHER DATA FOR HIS THESIS. ACCOMPANIED BY HIS TRUSTY GUIDE, HE SEEKS OUT A VERY REMOTE LOCALE FOR RESEARCHING THE MATING BEHAVIOUR OF THE GIANT RAT OF SUMATRA.

AROUND DUSK OF THE FIRST DAY, HE'S SITTING BY THE CAMPFIRE WITH HIS GUIDE WHEN IN THE DISTANCE, HE HEARS TRIBAL DRUMS. THEY GET LOUDER. THE GUIDE ANNOUNCES, "I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THOSE DRUMS."

THE DUSK TURNS EVENING. THE DRUMS GET LOUDER. THE GUIDE SAYS, "I REALLY DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THOSE DRUMS."

EVENING TURNS TO DEAD OF NIGHT. THE DRUMS GET LOUDER AND LOUDER, UNTIL IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THE DRUMMERS MUST BE QUITE CLOSE. THE GUIDE SAYS AGAIN, "I REALLY DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THOSE DRUMS."

SUDDENLY THE DRUMS STOP, AND A VOICE FROM THE DARKNESS CRIES OUT, "HEY MAN, GIVE US A BREAK, HE'S NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER!"

 

MAGNA CARTA

A BUS LOAD OF TOURISTS ARRIVES AT RUNNYMEDE. THEY GATHER AROUND THE GUIDE WHO SAYS, "THIS IS THE SPOT WHERE THE BARONS FORCED KING JOHN TO SIGN THE MAGNA CARTA."

A FELLOW AT THE FRONT OF THE CROWD ASKS, "WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?"

"1215," ANSWERS THE GUIDE.

THE MAN LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AND SAYS, "DARN JUST MISSED IT BY A HALF HOUR!"

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #23 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 23 VOL 11

JUNE 23^RD 2008

WEATHER; HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 68/96 DEGREES

 

NOT A WHOLE LOT GOING ON TODAY, MOM WAS MOWING THE LAWN WHEN I WOKE UP AT 7:30! SHE CAME IN ABOUT 9:30 FOR BREAKFAST! AFTER THAT IT WAS TOO HOT TO GO OUT AND MOW ANY MORE SO WE WATCHED CNN WITH ALL THE REPORTS ABOUT THE FLOODING UP NORTH!

THAT’S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TYPE OF FLOODING THAN WHAT WE HAD LAST YEAR! WHAT THEY’RE GETTING UP THERE IS DUE TO A LACK OF PREPERATION BY THE GOVERNMENT TO PREPARE FOR THE HARD AND CONTINUED RAINS THEY GET AND THE MELTING OF THE SNOW PACK AND RIVERS GETTING OUT OF THEY’RE BANKS! WHO EVER HEARD OF EARTHEN LEVEES STOPPING WATER THAT COMES IN THE AMOUNTS THEY GET!

OUR FLOODING WAS DUE TO THE CORPS OF ENGINEERS IN TULSA, OKLAHOMA NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS HAPPENING DOWN HERE AT LAKE TEXOMA! I DOUBT IF ANYONE ON THE BOARD UP THERE EVEN KNOWS WHERE TEXOMA IS! THOSE WHO WERE AROUND WHEN IT WAS FORMED BY BLOCKING THE RED RIVER ARE DEAD AND GONE! THE ONES IN POWER NOW BELIEVE IN THEIR CHARTS AND SURVEYS NOT IN PERSONAL ON THE SPOT VIEWING OF THE SITUATION AND FROM WHAT I’VE HEARD WHEN TOLD OF THE SITUATION HERE AT TEXOMA SAID IT COULDN’T BE THAT BAD! THEY FOUND OUT WHEN THEY COULDN’T STOP THE RISE IN WATER THAT FINALLY WENT OVER THE SPILLWAY! LAKE TEXOMA IS AN EARTHEN DAM BUT IT HAS A 500+ FOOT WIDE BASE AND THE TOP IS 63 FEET ABOVE POWER POOL, FROM WHERE IT STARTS TO WHERE IT ENDS IS ALMOST 5 MILES! ITS MAIN PURPOSE WAS AND IS FLOOD CONTROL, THE MARINAS AROUND THE LAKE MUST FEND FOR THEMSELVES WHEN IT STARTS TO RISE! THE CORPS WILL TRY TO MAINTAIN A PROPER LEVEL BUT AFTER IT PASSES 639 FEET THEY CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! THEY CAN LET 100.000CUBIC FEET A SECOND OUT AND FLOOD DOWN STREAM FOR TWO MILES ON EITHER SIDE OF THE RED RIVER BUT, AT THE SAME TIME THERE IS USUALLY ABOUT 140.000 CUBIC FEET A SECOND COMING IN FROM THE UPPER END OF THE RED RIVER FROM MELTING SNOW AND RAIN RUN OFF!

UP NORTH THEY CAN’T DO ANYTHING EXCEPT HOPE THE SMALL LEVEES WILL HOLD WHICH THEY DON’T EVEN WHEN THE PEOPLE ALL GET TOGETHER AND FILL SAND BAGS AND PUT THEM IN STRATEGIC PLACES! THIS GOES ON EVERY YEAR THEN, IF YOU’RE NOT IN A KNOWN FLOOD PLAIN THE COST OF FLOOD INSURANCE IS TO HIGH FOR A “MAYBE IT WON’T RAIN VERY HARD THIS YEAR!”

MARK TWAIN SAID MANY YEARS AGO,”A RIVER IS GOING TO HAVE ITS WAY AND NO KNOWN ENGINEERING BY MAN WILL/CAN STOP IT!” THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TRUE THEN BUT NOW IS A DIFFERENT STORY! MAN DOES HAVE THE SKILLS AND THE WEAR-WITH-ALL TO PUT TOGETHER A MEANS TO KEEP RIVERS WITHIN THE CONFINES IT WANTS! IN 1939 LOS ANGELES SUFFERED ONE OF THE WORST DESASTERS IN ITS HISTORY, IT RAINED FOR MANY DAYS AND NIGHTS AND THE FLASH FLOODING WIPED OUT MOST OF THE TRUCK GARDENS BETWEEN THE MOUNTAINS THAT SURROUND THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY AND THE PACIFIC OCEAN IT KILLED A LOT OF THE PEOPLE WHO RAN THOSE TRUCK GARDENS WHO WERE MOSTLY JAPANESE AND MEXICAN! I LIVED WITHIN TWO BLOCKS OF THE COURSE THE WATERS TOOK, THE STREET ONE BLOCK AWAY FROM OUR HOUSE WAS WASHED OUT TO 10-12 FEET DEEP FROM WHAT I REMEMBER, I WAS ONLY 9 AT THE TIME!

THE LOS ANGELES COUNTY BOARD OF DIRECTORS SAW THE WRITING ON THE WALL AND BUILT A CONCRETE AQUEDUCT 200 FEET WIDE AND WALLS 50 FEET HIGH FROM HANSEN DAM IN THE NORTH END OF THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY TO EL SEGUNDO ON THE PACIFIC COAST! I’M SURE YOU HAVE SEEN THIS AQUEDUCT USED IN MOVIES AND IN TV SHOWS IT HAS A SMALL DRAINAGE DITCH DOWN THE MIDDLE AND AN 18 WHEELER CAN BE DRIVEN IN THE TUNNELS THAT BRING THE WATER FROM ALL PARTS OF LOS ANGELES! NO MORE FLOODING EXCEPT WHERE THE SEWER LINES GET PLUGGED WITH DEBRIS THAT HAS WASHED DOWN FROM HIGHER ELEVATIONS!

THIS KIND OF AQUEDUCT SHOULD BE BUILT FROM THE HEAD WATERS OF THE MISSISSIPPI AND MISSOURI RIVERS TO WHERE THEY JOIN AND THEN ON DOWN TO THE GULF OF MEXICO! ONLY NOT OUT OF CONCRETE BUT PLASTIC WALLS FILLED WITH OLD SHREDDED TIRES! AND THE CONCRETE TUNNELS THAT WOULD BRING THE WATER FROM MAJOR CITIES ALONG THE WAY TO THE GULF! ALSO A WAY TO ADD TO THE HEIGHT IN THE EVENT OF ADDITIONAL FLOODING NOT EXPECTED! PILINGS DRIVEN DOWN TO BED ROCK WOULD SUPPORT THESE WALLS! I WILL LEAVE ALL THE PARTICULARS UP TO THE ENGINEERS BUT AT LEAST IT’S A STARTING IDEA TO STOP THE TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF DAMAGE AND THE FAMILIES THESE FLOODS ARE RUINING!

 

THAT’S “30 FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #22 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 22 VOL 11

JUNE 22^ND 2008

WEATHER; COOL THEN HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 65/97 DEGREES

 

WENT OUT AND SERVICED THE HUMMING BIRD FEEDERS AND FOR SOME REASON THERE WEREN’T ANY OF THE BIG CARPENTER ANTS DROWNED IN THE BOWLS!

I HAVEN’T REALLY FELT LIKE DOING ANY MORE CHECKING ON THE INTREPID! I’M THINKING WE MAY HAVE TO NURSE IT DOWN TO TIMS AND LEAVE IT FOR HIM TO WORK ON! HE KNOWS HOW TO READ THE DRB II AND ALSO SAYS HE’LL RENT THE MACHINE FROM AUTO ZONE (OF COURSE YOU PAY A $40.00 DEPOSIT BUT YOU GET IT BACK WHEN YOU BRING THE MACHINE BACK) TO CHANGE THE STRUTS AND SHOCKS! HE IS THE ONE WHO HAD THE INTAKE OFF AND PRETTY WELL KNOWS THE WAY TO PULL IT THE EASIEST! WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR ALL THE WORK ON THE HOUSE TO GET DONE BEFORE HE CAN TAKE THE TIME TO WORK ON THE CAR! KELLY CAN’T SEEM TO FIND THE TIME HE HAS SO MUCH GOING ON WITH HIS HOUSE! HE SOLD HIS EL CAMINO AND CAVALIER AND THE HONDA GOLDWING AND BOUGHT A 750 HONDA FROM JAMES HARMON TO RIDE TO WORK1 THE PICKUP IS KILLING HIM IN GAS, THE BIKE SHOULD DO A LOT BETTER! MY 650 TRIUMPH BONNEVILLE GOT BETWEEN 40-50 MPG DEPENDING ON HOW I RODE IT SO I FIGURE THE HONDA SHOULD DO A LITTLE LESS THAT THAT, 35-45 WHICH BEATS THE HELL OUT OF 12-16 MPG!

 

MOM MADE 8:00 AM MASS BUT I STAYED HOME AND WATHED IT ON TV FROM NOTRA DAME BASILICA! NEXT SUNDAY, THE 29^TH WILL BE THE LAST MASS TELEVISED FROM THERE ON THE HALLMARK CHANNEL! THEY GAVE THEIR WEB SITE FOR INFORMATION WHERE YOU CAN FIND THE MASS ON THE LOCAL CHANNELS IN OUR AREA! I DON’T FEEL SO BAD WHEN I DON’T MAKE MASS WITH MOM IF I CAN WATCH IT ON TV!

 

OK, NOW I’VE GOT A COUPLE OF JOKES FROM ACRAMAX.

 

HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR

HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR, ORDERS A BEER, SITS DOWN AT ONE OF THE TABLES, AND STARTS READING HIS PAPER. THE BARTENDER IS A BIT SHOCKED BY ALL THIS, BUT POURS THE BEER, AND BRINGS IT OVER TO THE HORSE, WHO PROFFERS A TEN DOLLAR BILL FOR IT.

NOW THE BARMAN FIGURES THE HORSE ISN'T THAT BRIGHT, SO HE DECIDES TO PULL THE OLD 'SHORT-CHANGE' TRICK ON HIM. HE DULY GOES BACK TO THE HORSE WITH 1 DOLLAR. THE HORSE DOESN'T SAY A WORD.

THE HORSE EVENTUALLY FINISHES HIS BEER AND GOES UP TO THE BAR TO ORDER ANOTHER. THE BARTENDER SAYS TO HIM, "Y'KNOW, WE DON'T GET MANY HORSES IN HERE."

TO WHICH THE HORSE REPLIES, "AT NINE DOLLARS A BEER, I'M NOT SURPRISED!"

SCAVENGER HUNT

A WOMAN ANSWERED HER FRONT DOOR AND FOUND TWO LITTLE BOYS STANDING THERE HOLDING A LIST.

"LADY," ONE OF THEM EXPLAINED, "WE'RE ON A SCAVENGER HUNT, AND WE STILL NEED THREE GRAINS OF WHEAT, A PORK-CHOP BONE AND A PIECE OF USED CARBON PAPER TO EARN A DOLLAR."

"WOW," THE WOMAN REPLIED. "WHO SENT YOU ON SUCH A CHALLENGING SCAVENGER HUNT?"

TO WHICH THE LITTLE BOY REPLIED, "OUR BABYSITTER'S BOYFRIEND!

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #21 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 21 VOL 11

JUNE 21^ST 2008

WEATHER; WARM, MED HUMIDITY, 64/88 DEGREES

 

I WENT TO A MEETING OF A GROUP OF DAV MEMBERS WHO ARE TRYING TO GET A LOCAL CHAPTER GOING IN DURANT, OK. THE CLOSEST DAV OFFICE IS IN MUSKOGEE,OK WHICH IS ABOUT 150 MILES NORTH OF ME! NEEDLESS TO SAY, DURANT BEING 19 MILES NORTH WOULD BE A LOT BETTER! I CAN GO TO THE DAV OFFICER IN THE VA BUILDING IN BONHAM WHEN I’M OVER THERE BUT DURANT IS STILL A BETTER DEAL!

WE DISCUSSED WAYS TO GET SOME OF THESE IRAQ AND AFGANISTAN WOUNDED VETERANS TO START USING THE DAV! MOST OF THEM DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT “DAV” STANDS FOR OR HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THEM FOR HELP! YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE BEEN IN COMBAT OR SERVED IN A FOREIGN LAND TO BE ELLIGABLE FORMEMBERSHIP! ALL YOU NEED TO BE A MEMBER IS INJURED WHILE SERVING FOR 90 CONSECATIVE DAYS ON ACTIVE DUTY IN ANY BRANCH OF THE MILITARY INCLUDING THE COAST GUARD! I TRIED FOR 48 YEARS TO HAVE THE VA DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY HEARING LOSS BUT THEY KEPT TURNING MY CLAIM DOWN BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T FIND MY MEDICAL RECORDS FROM THE TIME I ENLISTED TILL MY LAST TOUR! OF COURSE THEY COULDN’T, ALL MY RECORDS AND THOUSANDS OF OTHERS WERE LOST IN A FIRE IN THE VA OFFICE IN DENVER COLORADO IN 1973! THE DAV GOT ON IT AND I HAD MY DISABILITY IN LESS THAN 60 DAYS!

I’VE DECIDED TO DO WHAT I CAN TO HELP THEM GET ORGANIZED EVEN IF ALL I DO IS CALL MEMBERS TO REMIND THEM WHEN THE NEXT MEETING IS!

 

KELLY BOUGHT A 750 HONDA FROM MY BUDDY JIM HARMON TO RIDE BACK AND FORTH TO WORK! BUYING GAS FOR HIS PICKUP WAS KILLING HIM! INSTEAD OF $15-20 DOLLARS A DAY NOW IT’LL BE $4-5 DOLLARS A DAY! ASSUMING THE HONDA GETS ABOUT THE SAME MILEAGE MY TRIUMPH 650 BONNEVILLE GOT WHICH WAS 40-50 MPG IF I DIDN’T HOT ROD IT! IF I DID THEN THE MILEAGE WENT TO 20-25 MPG!

SIX-PACK

STEVE, BOB, AND JEFF WERE WORKING ON A VERY HIGH SCAFFOLDING ONE DAY WHEN SUDDENLY, STEVE FALLS OFF AND IS KILLED INSTANTLY. AFTER THE AMBULANCE LEAVES WITH STEVE'S BODY, BOB AND JEFF REALIZE THAT ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO HAVE TO TELL STEVE'S WIFE.

BOB SAYS HE'S GOOD AT THIS SORT OF SENSITIVE STUFF, SO HE VOLUNTEERS TO DO THE JOB. AFTER TWO HOURS HE RETURNS, CARRYING A SIX-PACK OF BEER.

"SO DID YOU TELL HER?" ASKS JEFF.

"YEP", REPLIED BOB.

"SAY, WHERE DID YOU GET THE SIX-PACK?"

BOB INFORMS JEFF, "SHE GAVE IT TO ME!"

"WHAT??" EXCLAIMS JEFF, "YOU JUST TOLD HER HER HUSBAND DIED AND SHE GAVE YOU A SIX-PACK??"

"SURE," BOB SAYS.

"WHY?" ASKS JEFF.

"WELL," BOB CONTINUES, "WHEN SHE ANSWERED THE DOOR, I ASKED HER, 'ARE YOU STEVE'S WIDOW?''WIDOW?', SHE SAID, 'NO, NO, YOU'RE MISTAKEN, I'M NOT A WIDOW!'

SO I SAID, "I'LL BET YOU A SIX-PACK YOU ARE!'"

BEER PRODUCERS

THERE'S A BIG CONFERENCE OF BEER PRODUCERS. AT THE END OF THE DAY, ALL OF THE PRESIDENTS OF ALL THE BEER COMPANIES DECIDE TO HAVE A DRINK IN A BAR.

THE PRESIDENT OF 'BUDWEISER' ORDERS A BUD, THE PRESIDENT OF 'MILLER' ORDERS A MILLER LITE, ADOLPH COORS ORDERS A COORS, AND THE LIST GOES ON.

THEN THE WAITRESS ASKS ARTHUR GUINNESS WHAT HE WANTS TO DRINK, AND MUCH TO EVERYBODY'S AMAZEMENT, MR. GUINNESS ORDERS A COKE!

"WHY DON'T YOU ORDER A GUINNESS?" HIS COLLEAGUES ASK.

"NAAH. IF YOU GUYS WON'T DRINK BEER, THAN NEITHER WILL I."

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #20 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 20 VOL 11

JUNE 20^TH 2008

WEATHER; WARM, LOW HUMIDITY, 72/88 DEGREES

 

WE HAVE A LITTLE TRACTOR SPRINKLER THAT TRAVELS WHERE EVER WE LINE THE HOSE UP, IT HAS A FRONT WHEEL THAT STRADDLES THE HOSE AND TWO BIG REAR WHEELS WITH SPIKES THAT PROPELL IT! THERE ARE TWO WANDS THAT SPIN BY WATER PRESSURE AND CAN WATER A 50 FOOT AREA DEPENDIN ON HOW THEY’RE SET AS THE TRACTOR MOVES ALONG THE HOSE! THE BOTTOM GOT RIPPED OFF THE MOTOR ASSEMBLY AND THE AUTO STOP PIECE GOT BROKE ALSO! SO WE GOT ON THE INTERNET AND ORDERED THE MOTOR ASSEMBLY AND THE AUTO STOP PIECE! THE PARTS CAME IN YESTERDAY AND MOM AND I PUT IT TOGETHER TODAY! WE’LL GET A NEW 110 FOOT 5/8^TH HOSE TOMORROW AND START WATERING THE LAWN AND SHRUBS WITH IT! I LIKE TO SET AND WATCH IT MOVE IT HAS TWO SPEEDS, FAST AND SLOW, IF THE LAWN AND PLANTS ARE PRETTY DRY I RUN IT SLOW OR FAST IF THEY’RE DAMP!

 

IN 1990 I SUBSCRIBED TO “WORLD WAR II” MAGAZINE, I’VE GOT EVERY COPY FOR THE LAST 18 YEARS! THEY WERE DOWN AT KELLYS AND MOM BROUGHT THE LAST OF THEM UP FOR ME TO PUT IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER AND GET THEM READY TO SELL! I’VE READ ALL BUT 2-3 OF THEM AND REALLY DON’T SEE ANY NEED TO BE KEEPING THEM! I’M THINKING ABOUT PUTTING THEM ON “CRAIGS LIST and E-BAY”! WE ALSO HAVE A LOCAL PLACE YOU CAN ADVERTIZE ANYHING ON FREE, I’LL PUT THEM ON THERE TOO! EVERY STORY IN THESE MAGAZINES IS A TRUE STORY, NO FICTION! THEY CHECK OUT ALL STORIES SUBMITTED TO THEM BEFORE PUTTING THEM IN PRINT! I SUBMITTED A STORY TO THEM THAT WAS FICTION BASED ON FACT AND THEY TURNED IT DOWN! THEY COVER ALL BRANCHES OF THE U.S. MILITARY, BRITISH MILITARY, CANADIAN MILITARY, RUSSIAN MILITARY, GERMAN MILITARY, ITALIAN MILITARY AND JAPANESE MILITARY! THEY’VE HAD ARTICLES ABOUT THE PARTISANS AND NORWEIGAN FREEDOM FIGHTERS AND MEXICAN MILITARY! IF IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THE WARS OR CONFLICTS AROUND THE WORLD FROM THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR TO IRAQ IT’LL SHOW UP IN “WORLD WAR II” MAGAZINE! BECAUSE IT’S BASED ON TRUE HAPPENINGS IT MAKES GOOD RESEARCH MATERIAL! ONE OF MY GRANDDAUGHTERS USED SOME OF THEM TO DO A REPORT ON THE “BATAAN DEATH MARCH”, SHE SAID SHE GOT AN ‘A’ ON IT!

 

HERE’S A COUPLE OF MORE FROM ACRAMAX

 

FAIRY TALE TAXES

THE TAX ADVISOR HAD JUST READ THE STORY OF CINDERELLA TO HIS FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER FOR THE FIRST TIME.

THE LITTLE GIRL WAS FASCINATED BY THE STORY, ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE THE PUMPKIN TURNS INTO A GOLDEN COACH.

SUDDENLY SHE PIPED UP, "DADDY, WHEN THE PUMPKIN TURNED INTO A GOLDEN COACH, WOULD THAT BE CLASSED AS INCOME OR A LONG-TERM CAPITAL GAIN?"

 

ONE CHAIR

RESOLVING TO SURPRISE HER HUSBAND, AN EXECUTIVE'S WIFE STOPPED BY HIS OFFICE. SHE FOUND HIM WITH HIS SECRETARY SITTING IN HIS LAP.

WITHOUT HESITATING, HE DICTATED, "...AND IN CONCLUSION, GENTLEMEN, SHORTAGE OR NO SHORTAGE, I CANNOT CONTINUE TO OPERATE THIS OFFICE WITH JUST ONE CHAIR."

THAT’S “30”FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #19 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 19 VOL 11

JUNE 19^TH 2008

WEATHER; WARM, HIGH HUMIDITY, 64/96 DEGREES

 

MOM AND I WERE SETTING WATCHING TV LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE HEARD SOMETHING OUTSIDE AND WENT TO CHECK IT OUT, IT WAS THE DOGS FROM THE HOUSE UP FRONT AND WHEN SHE YELLED AT THEM THEY RAN FROM UNDER THE HOUSE THROUGH AN OPENING IN THE UNDER PINNING THAT’S UNDER THE PHONE BOX ON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE JERKING THE MAIN WIRE TO OUR PHONE OUT OF HE BOX BUT, WE DIDN’T KNOW IT TILL THE NEXT MORNING! I NOTICED THE RED “IN USE” LIGHT BLINKING BUT FIGURED GLENDA WAS ON THE PHONE SO I IGNORED IT BUT, JUST BEFORE I WENT IN TO DO MY “CHRONICLE”, ABOUT 11”30 PM I NOTICD THE LIGHT WAS STILL BLINKING SO I PICKED UP THE RECEIVER AND THE PHONE WAS DEAD! THIS MORNING MOM WENT DOWN TO HAVE COFFEE AND HELP GLENDA CLEAN UP SOME OLD THINGS SO THEY CAN TEAR DOWN THE TWO OLD TRAILERS!  WHEN SHE GOT BACK UP HERE I TOLD HER THE PHONE WAS OUT SO SHE CALLED THE PHONE CO. AND REPORTED IT THEN WENT OUT TO CHECK THE BOX AND FOUND THAT THE DOGS HAD RIPPED THE WIRES OUT OF THE BOX !  THE PHONE MAN GOT HERE AND REPLACED THE WIRES AND STAPLED THE WIRE OUT OF THE WAY SO IT COULDN’T HAPPEN AGAIN SO WE’RE BACK IN BUSINESS!

 

I’VE BEEN ON LINE TO FIND A RADIATOR FOR THE INTREPID AND FOUND QUITE A FEW DEALERS, THE CHEAPEST ONE IS FOR $112.80 INCLUDES S&H AND TAX! I’VE DECIDEDTO HOLD OFF TILL WE ARE SURE THE ENGINE IS RUNNING THE WAY IT SHOULD AND THAT THE PROBLEM ISN’T IN THE TRANSMISSION! I’M GOING TO DO SOME MORE TESTING OF MY OWN TO BESURE WE’RE NOT LOSING VACUMM WHILE DRIVING! THE WIRES THAT ARE STICKING OUT FROM UNDER THE INTAKE ARE UNDER THE INTAKE GASKET AND COULD BE CAUSING A SLIGHT VACUMM LEAK! TOMORROW I’LL CRANK UP THE ENGINE AND WITH THE VACUMM GUAGE PLUGGED IN I’LL SQUIRT WD-40 OR 30 WT ENGINE OIL AT THE POINT THE WIRES COME OUT FROM UNDER THE INTAKE, IF THERE’S A LEAK THE VACUMM AND RPM SHOULD INCREASE FROM 17 INCHES AND 750 RPM! IF IT DOES IT MEANS THE INTAKE MUST BE PULLED AND THE GASKET REPLACED AND THEN WE’LL ROAD TEST TO SEE IF WE’VE FINALLY FOUND THE PROBLEM! AT THE SAME TIME WE CAN CHECK AND SEE WHERE THE “AIR TEMPERATURE SENSOR” IS AND BE SURE THE WIRES STICKING OUT AREN’T FOR IT! ACTUALLY, ONE WAY OR AN OTHER THE INTAKE NEEDS TO BE PULLED! IF KELLY DOESN’T GET THE STRUTS AND SHOCKS CHANGED TIM SAID IF WE CAN DRIVE THE CAR DOWN TO HIM HE’LL DO IT IN HIS GARAGE BUT, RIGHT NOW THE PLUMBERS HAVE HIS HOUSE TORE UP FIXING THE LEAKS UNDER THE FLOORS!

 

COMPUTER PROFESSOR HUSBAND

HUSBAND: HI DEAR. I'M LOGGED IN
WIFE: HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE GROCERIES?
HUSBAND: BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME
WIFE: BUT I TOLD YOU IN THE MORNING ?
HUSBAND: ERRONEOUS SYNTAX. ABORT, RETRY, CANCEL?
WIFE: WHAT ABOUT MY NEW TV ?
HUSBAND: VARIABLE NOT FOUND
WIFE: AT LEAST, GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD. I NEED TO DO SOME SHOPPING
HUSBAND: SHARING VIOLATION. ACCESS DENIED
WIFE: IT WAS A GREAT MISTAKE THAT I MARRIED AN IDIOT LIKE YOU
HUSBAND: DATA TYPE MISMATCH
WIFE: YOU ARE USELESS
HUSBAND: BY DEFAULT
WIFE: WHAT ABOUT YOUR SALARY ?
HUSBAND: FILE IN USE. TRY AFTER SOME TIME
WIFE: WHO WAS IN THE CAR THIS MORNING ?
HUSBAND: SYSTEM IS UNSTABLE. PRESS ALT + CTRL + DEL TO REBOOT
WIFE: ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE SOME SNACKS ?
HUSBAND: FILE SYSTEM FULL
WIFE: WHAT IS THE RELATION BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR RECEPTIONIST ?
HUSBAND: ONLY USER WITH WRITE PERMISSION
WIFE: WHAT IS MY VALUE IN THIS FAMILY ?
HUSBAND: UNKNOWN VIRUS

WIFE: DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOUR COMPUTER OR YOU'RE BEING JUST FUNNY ?
HUSBAND: TOO MANY PARAMETERS!
WIFE: I WILL GO TO MY DAD'S HOUSE.
HUSBAND: THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE TERMINATED
WIFE: I'LL LEAVE YOU FOREVER
HUSBAND: CLOSE ALL PROGRAMS AND LOGOUT AND THEN LOGIN AS ANOTHER USER
WIFE: IT'S WORTHLESS TALKING TO YOU
HUSBAND: SHUTDOWN THE COMPUTER
WIFE: I'M GOING
HUSBAND: IT'S NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER!

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #18 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 18 VOL 11

JUNE 18^TH 2008

WEATHER; COOL, LOW HUMIDITY, 68/86 DEGREES

 

I CHECKED BACK WITH R&D ABOUT THE RADIATOR FOR THE INTREPID AND THEY PULLED 3 BUT NONE OF THEM TESTED GOOD SO I’LL HAVE TO START CALLING ALL THE WRECKING YARDS TO SEE IF WE CAN FIND A GOOD ONE!

 

MOM AND I WENT OUT AND PUT UP SOME BRACKETS SO SHE COULD RUN TWINE BETWEEN THEM FOR HER GRAPES TO CLIMB ON! THERE’S ALREADY GRAPES ON SOME OF THE VINES AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A PRETTY GOOD HARVEST  EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF GRAPES THEY ARE! WE ALSO FIXED ONE OF THE DOORS THAT PROTECT THE ITEMS WE STORED UNDER THE LAUNDRY ROOM, LUMBER, INSULATION, MOMS ELECTRIC LAWN MOWER AND WEED EATER!

TOMORROW WE’LL PROBABLY PUT UP SOME MORE INSULATING CURTAINS AROUND THE DECK! THE ROLL UP BAMBOO ONES DON’T BLOCK THE SUN OR HEAT LIKE WE THOUGHT THEY WOULD! MOM FOUND SOME WOVEN MATERIAL THAT COMES IN ROLLS , WE PUT A DOUBLE THICK PIECE UP WHERE THE AFTERNOON SUN BEATS IN AND WHEN YOU STEP IN BEHIND IT THE TEMPERATURE DROPS 10-15 EGREES SO THAT’S WHAT WILL BE ALL AROUND THE DECK DOWN TO 41/2 FT!

 

I MENTIONED THE HOLE IN TIMS KITCHEN THAT THE PLUMBER HAD FILLED WITH CONCRETE! WELL, THEY CAME BACK TO DO A LEAK TEST AND FOUND ONE MORE LEAK ABOUT 3 FT FROM THE ONE THEY REPAIRED AND A SECOND ONE UNDER THE FLOOR IN THE MASTER BATHROOM! THEY CAN’T TEST FOR ANY MORE LEAKS TILL THEY FIX THOSE TWO! TALK ABOUT PUTTING THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE, NOW THEY’VE GOT TO DIG THE NEW CONCRETE OUT TO GET AT THE ONE NEAR THE OPENING BUT ALSO BREAK THE FLOOR OUT OF THE MASTER BATHROOM TO FIND THAT LEAK! I HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT IF THEY’RE ACTUALLY THAT STUPID OR ARE MILKING THE INSURANCE COMPANY! I’M SURE THE INSURANCE COMPANY ISN’T GOING TO PAY TWICE FOR THESE REPAIRS! AT LEAST I WOULD HOPE NOT!

 

I WENT OUT THIS EVENING AND PUT A VACUMM GUAGE ON THE INTREPID TO SEE IF WE HAD A VACUMM LEAK AROUND THE INTAKE!  EVIDENTLY WE DON’T, IT HELD 17 INCHES OF VACUMM ON IDLE AND WHEN I RAN IT UP AND LET OFF IT CLIMBED TO 21 INCHES WHICH IS GOOD! I JUST HAVE A FEELING I’VE GOT TO FIND THAT “AIR TEMPERATURE SENSOR”, ACCORDING TO PEGGY IT COULD BE THE PROBLEM IF IT’S BAD LIKE THE ONE IN HER RACE CAR!

 

OK, HERE’S A COUPLE OF JOKES FROM ACARMAX!

 

HARD TIME TELLER

A GUY WALKS INTO A BANK AND SAYS TO THE TELLER AT THE WINDOW, "I WANT TO OPEN A BLANKETY-BLANK CHECKING ACCOUNT"

TO WHICH THE LADY REPLIED, "I BEG YOUR PARDON, WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"LISTEN UP DARN IT, I SAID I WANT TO OPEN A BLANKETY-BLANK CHECKING ACCOUNT RIGHT NOW."

"SIR, I'M SORRY BUT WE DO NOT TOLERATE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN THIS BANK!"

THE TELLER LEFT THE WINDOW AND WENT OVER TO THE BANK MANAGER AND TOLD HIM ABOUT HER SITUATION. THEY BOTH RETURNED AND THE MANAGER ASKED, "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM HERE?"

"THERE'S NO DARN PROBLEM," THE MAN SAID, "I JUST WON 50 MILLION IN THE LOTTERY AND I WANT TO OPEN A BLANKETY-BLANK CHECKING ACCOUNT IN THIS DAMN BANK!"

"I SEE SIR," THE MANAGER SAID, "AND THIS WENCH IS GIVING YOU A HARD TIME?"

DEALING WITH BRIBES

TAKING HIS SEAT IN HIS CHAMBERS, THE JUDGE FACED THE OPPOSING LAWYERS. "SO," HE SAID, "I HAVE BEEN PRESENTED, BY BOTH OF YOU, WITH A BRIBE." BOTH LAWYERS SQUIRMED UNCOMFORTABLY. "YOU, ATTORNEY LEON, GAVE ME $15,000. AND YOU, ATTORNEY CAMPOS, GAVE ME $10,000."

THE JUDGE REACHED INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLED OUT A CHECK. HE HANDED IT TO LEON ... "NOW THEN, I'M RETURNING $5,000, AND WE'RE GOING TO DECIDE THIS CASE SOLELY ON ITS MERITS."

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

 

 

 

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #17 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 17 VOL 11

JUNE 17^TH 2008

WEATHER; WARM, LOW HUMIDITY, 64/77 DEGREES

WE GOT ABOUT 1 ½ INCHES OF RAIN OVERNIGHT AND ARE SUPPOSED TO KEEP GETTING RAIN TILL SATURDAY NIGHT, WE SURE NEED IT!

IT WAS A YEAR AGO THE 18^TH OF JUNE WHEN WE STARTED GETTING ALL THE RAIN THAT CAUSED THE LAKE TO GO OVER THE SPILLWAY AT 640 FT ABOVE SEA LEVEL AND THAT’S WHEN OUR ROAD GOT FLOODED WITH 15 FT OF WATER SO WE HAD TO GO IN AND OUT THE OLD PEANUT/HAY FIELD! IT COST US FOUR NEW TIRES AND AN ALIGNMENT! SO FAR THE LAKE IS STAYING AROUND 618 FT WHICH IS NEAR NORMAL POWER POOL!

THOSE POOR PEOPLE IN WISCONSIN, IOWA, MINNESOTA, KANSAS ARE REALLY HAVING THEIR SHARE OF PROBLEMS WITH THE LEVEES AND DAMS BREAKING! WE HAVE GONE TO THE WISCONSIN DELLS 2-3 TIMES WHEN WE GO UP FOR LILLIANS FAMILY’S REUNION! WE WON’T BE MAKING THE REUNION THIS YEAR AND IF WE DID THERE’S NO MORE DELLS, THE DAM THAT FORMED THE BIG LAKE THERE BROKE AND EVERYTHING WENT DOWN THE RIVER! THEY HOPE TO HAVE EVERYTHING BACK WORKING BY NEXT YEAR! THEY SAID THEY WOULDN’T REBUILD THE DAM TILL AFTER THE SEASON BECAUSE THEY’RE BRINGING IN OTHER INTERTAINMENT BUT WOULDN’T HAVE THE BOATS THAT TAKE PEOPLE UP THE RIVER TO ALL SORTS OF ATTRACTIONS WHICH ALSO HAVE BEEN WASHED AWAY!

I TALKED TO BILL MASON TODAY AND HE’S STILL PLANNING ON VISITING US IN JULY SO WE’LL HAVE TO HAVE SOMEPLACE FOR HIM TO SLEEP! I’LL SEE IF KELLY HAS ROOM DOWN THERE OR WE’LL HAVE A NEW SMALL HIDE-A-BED IN THE LIVING ROOM! HE’S GOING TO DRIVE AND PLANS ON A 2-3 DAY TRIP! HE’S GOT A FAIRLY NEW TOYOTA CAMREY SO HE SHOULDN’T HAVE ANY TROUBLE! OR HE BUYS ONE OF THE MINI MOTOR HOMES HE’S BEEN LOOKING AT WHICH IS REALLY WHAT HE WANT FOR TRAVELING! I SENT HIM THE PICTURE OF ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE OVER 1 YEAR OLD WEARING A “BEACH PATROL” TANK TOP AND ASKED HIM TO FIND THE COMPANY THAT MADE THE TV SERIES AND SHOW THEM THE PICTURE, I’M THE ORIGINAL MEMBER OF THE “BEACH PATROL”! I ALSO ASKED HIM TO GO TO CHAR MILLIGANS AND SHOW HER HOW TO PUT PAPER IN HER FAX MACHINE WHICH HE SAID HE WOULD DO, HE WORKS DOWN IN THAT AREA ON MOVIES OCCASIONALLY!

HE SAID HE WENT AND SIGNED THE FINAL DIVORCE PAPERS TODAY SO HE’S SHED OF LEONA FOR GOOD, NOW HE CAN GET ON WITH HIS LIFE, SHE’S REALLY HAD HIM SCREWED UP SINCE SHE MOVED OUT OF HIS HOUSE AND FORGED PAPERS AND TRIED TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM!

WE’VE LOOKED ALL OVER THE INTAKE MANIFOLD FOR THE “AIR TEMPERATURE SENSOR” ON THE INTREPID AND HAVEN’T FOUND IT YET! THE BOOK SHOWS IT ON THE BACK OF THE INTAKE PLENUM BUT WHERE IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE IS WHERE THE VACUMM HOSE TO THE BRAKE BOOSTER IS HOOKED UP! MY GUESS IS WE’LL FIND IT UNDER THE PLENUM! IT’S SHOWN IN THE VALLEY UNDER THE INTAKE OF THE 3.5L ENGINE SO THAT’S WHERE WE’LL TRY TO FIND IT! THE LOCATION SHOWN IN THE MANUAL FOR THE 3.3L ENGINE COULD BE A MIS-PRINT! WE’LL SEE!

HERE’S A CUTE JOKE FROM ACARMAX

ADVERTISING CLAIMS

TWO LITTLE BOYS GO INTO THE GROCERY STORE. ONE IS NINE, ONE IS FOUR. THE NINE YEAR OLD GRABS A BOX OF TAMPONS FROM THE SHELF AND CARRIES IT TO THE REGISTER FOR CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER ASKS "OH, THESE MUST BE FOR YOUR MOM, HUH?"

THE NINE YEAR OLD REPLIES "NOPE NOT FOR MY MOM."

WITHOUT THINKING, THE CASHIER RESPONDED "WELL, THEY MUST BE FOR YOUR SISTER THEN?"

THE NINE YEAR OLD QUIPPED, "NOPE, NOT FOR MY SISTER EITHER."

THE CASHIER HAD NOW BECOME CURIOUS "OH. NOT FOR YOUR MOM AND NOT FOR YOUR SISTER, WHO ARE THEY FOR?"

THE NINE YEAR OLD SAYS "THEY'RE FOR MY FOUR YEAR OLD LITTLE BROTHER."

THE CASHIER IS SURPRISED "YOUR FOUR YEAR OLD LITTLE BROTHER??"

THE NINE YEAR OLD EXPLAINS: "WELL YEAH, THEY SAY ON TV IF YOU WEAR ONE OF THESE YOU CAN SWIM OR RIDE A BIKE AND MY LITTLE BROTHER CAN'T DO EITHER OF THEM!"

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD

 

DAILY CHRONICLE #16 VOL 11

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 16 VOL 11

 

JUNE 16^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 70/96 DEGREES

 

WE DECIDED TO REPLACE THE RADIATOR IN THE INTREPID WITH ONE FROM R&D IN DURANT, $50.00 IS ABOUT 1/3^RD THE COST OF A NEW ONE! THEY HAVE A TEST TANK FOR TESTING RADIATORS SO I TOLD THEM TO GO AHEAD AND PULL ONE FOR ME!

WE’VE LOOKED FOR THE AIR TEMPERATURE SENSOR AND HAVEN’T FOUND IT YET, IT MUST BE UNDR THE PLENUM COVER MOM AND I WENT OUT AND TRIED TO CLEAN THE TWO WIRES THAT ARE STICKING OUT FROM UNDER THE INTAKE MANIFOLD BUT THE STUFF IS BURNED ON COVERING UP THE COLORS SO WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT TILL KELLY OR TIM PULL THE INTAKE!

 

GLENDA HAD TO GO TO DFW AIRPORT AND PICK UP ANOTHER OF HER GRANDDAUGHTERS, SARAH WHO FLEW IN FOR THE SUMMER! NOW HALEY JO WILL HAVE SOMEBODY TO PLAY WITH!

 

I TALKED TO CHAR MILLIGAN AN OLD SCHOOL FRIEND OUT IN OXNARD SHORES, CALIFORNIA TODAY! I’M TRYING TO FIND OUT WHY HER FAX MACHINE QUIT TAKING FAXES! SHE KNOWS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT MACHINERY OF ANY KIND EXCEPT CARS, SHE DOES DRIVE! I TRIED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH A HEWLETT PACKARD DEALER IN OXNARD BUT EVIDENTLY THEY NEVER RECEIVED MY E-MAIL SO I’LL TRY TO SEND ANOTHER ONE! IF I CAN JUST GET SOMEONE TO SHOW HER HOW TO PUT PAPER IN IT THAT’S ALL SHE NEEDS TO KNOW! THIS LADY HAS MADE MILLIONS IN THE REALESTATE BUSINESS BUT HAS NEVER LEARNED HOW TO USE A COMPUTER, SHE PAYS CPAs AND ACCOUNTANTS TO WATCH OVER HER ASSETS AND JUST ENJOYS LIFE! BOB, HER HUSBAND DIED ABOUT TEN YEARS AGO, HE WAS AN ENGINEER AND TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING!

 

I WAS WRONG ABOUT THE HOLE IN TIMS KITCHEN, IT WAS 2FTX3FT AND HAS ALREADY BEEN FILLED IN WITH CONCRETE! THE PLUMBER PUT A 2-3FT PIECE OF SPECIAL PVC IN FOR REPAIRING CAST IRON PIPES AND WAS ONLY OBLIGATED TO FILL THE HOLE UP TO FLOOR LEVEL! NOW THE TILE, CARPETAND HARDWOOD FLOORING PEOPLE HAVE TO DO THEIR JOB THEN THEY MAY HAVE TO REPLACE ALL THE KITCHEN CABINETS, THE WATER SOAKED INTO THE BOTTOM EDGE AND TIM THINKS IT CREATED MOLD AND ROT BUT, THEY WON’T KNOW TILL THEY HAVE TO PULL THE BASE BOARD TO PUT THE TILE, CARPET AND WOOD FLOORING UNDER IT!

 

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

DADDY'S TRICK

THE LITTLE BOY GREETED HIS GRANDMOTHER WITH A HUG AND SAID, "I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU GRANDMA. NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."

THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS.

"WHAT TRICK IS THAT MY DEAR?" SHE ASKED.

THE LITTLE BOY REPLIED, "I HEARD DADDY TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT US AGAIN

 

TO BE “POLITICALLY CORRECT” WE’RE SUPPOSED TO REFER TO THESE PEOPLE AS “MOUNTAIN WILLIAMS” NOT HILLBILLIES!

WHAT'S IN THE BAG

TWO HILLBILLIES ARE WALKING DOWN DIFFERENT ENDS OF A STREET TOWARD EACH OTHER AND ONE IS CARRYING A SACK. WHEN THEY MEET, ONE SAYS, "HEY, TOMMY RAY, WHAT'CHA GOT IN TH' BAG?"

"JUS' SOME CHICKENS."

"IF I GUESS HOW MANY THERE ARE, CAN I HAVE ONE?"

"I'LL GIVE YOU BOTH OF THEM."

"OK. UMMMMM, FIVE?"

 

I THINK WE CAN ALL RELATE TO THIS!

 

COMFORTING

A MAN WAS SEEN FLEEING DOWN THE HALL OF THE HOSPITAL JUST BEFORE HIS OPERATION.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER?" HE WAS ASKED.

HE SAID, "I HEARD THE NURSE SAY, 'IT'S A VERY SIMPLE OPERATION, DON'T WORRY, I'M SURE IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT."

"SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO COMFORT YOU, WHAT'S SO FRIGHTENING ABOUT THAT?"

"SHE WASN'T TALKING TO ME. SHE WAS TALKING TO THE DOCTOR.

 

THAT’S “30”FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD