HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE
NUMBER 3 VOL 9
APRIL 3RD 2008
WEATHER; CLOUDY, HI HUMIDITY, 43/66 DEGREES
GAS; OK $3.11-$3.17 TX $3.18-$3.27
ANSWER TO POP QUIZ; “BUCK” WAS ANDY DEVINE’S NAME IN THE 1939 VERSION OF STAGECOACH.
POP QUIZ; WHAT SILENT MOVIE WON THE FIRST EVER ACADEMY AWARD?
MOM AND I WENT TO TOWN TO DO SOME SHOPPING! I WENT TO WAL-MART TO SEE IF THEY CARRIED THE E3 SPARKPLUGS? THEY HAD THE ONE FOR THE RIDING MOWER IN THE GARDEN DEPT SO I GOT ONE TO TRY IN OURS! IF IT PERFORMS LIKE THEY SAY IT WILL IT’LL SAVE GAS AND WEAR ON THE ENGINE, IT’S SUPPOSED TO GIVE A 12% INCREASE IN POWER AND REDUCE THE BAD EMISSIONS COMING OUT OF THE EXHAUST BY 58%! WHEN I DID THE MOWING I WOULD USE LESS THAN A TANK OF GAS (2 GALLONS) TO DO THE COMPLETE YARD. OF COURSE NOW THERE IS ABOUT 25% LESS GRASS TO MOW WITH ALL THE SWINGS, TREES, POOL SPOT, PARKING AREA, KIDS TOYS ETC AND IT SHOULD NOT TAKE AS MUCH GAS BUT, STILL ABOUT 1 GALLON, ANYHOW, WE’LL CHECK IT OUT AND SEE IF IT DOES WHAT THEY SAY AS FAR AS POWER AND EMISSIONS GO!
WERE SUPPOSED TO GET THE COMPUTER TOMORROW AND GET IT PUT IN, IT’LL BE NICE NOT TO HAVE TO KEEP CHARGING THE BATTERY! ALL THE RUNNING WE DID TODAY AND IT’S STILL UP ½ WAY ON THE DASH VOLT METER! WHEN WE BOUGHT IT WE GOT THE BEST ONE WAL-MART HAD, 5 YEAR WARRANTEE, NO REPLACEMENT CHARGE FOR THE FIRST 2 YEARS! AND I NEVER HAVE TO CHECK THE SOLUTION IT’S A GEL SO YOU CAN’T ADD TO IT!
I’M JUST GETTING STARTED AGAIN ON THIS ISSUE OF THE CHRONICLE! WE HAD SO MUCH THUNDER AND LIGHTENING LAST NIGHT I SHUT MY COMPUTER DOWN BEFORE I FINISHED SO HERE WE GO!
I’M WAITING TO HEAR FROM R&D ABOUT THE TRANSMISSION FOR THE INTREPID, IF IT’S NOT ONE THING IT’S ANOTHER! WE GOT SO MUCH RAIN YESTERDAY AFTERNOON IF THEY DIDN’T GET IT PULLED IN THE MORNING THEY WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO GET THE FORKLIFT TO THE CAR TO BRING IT UP TO WHERE THE CAR LIFT IS AND THAT’S WHERE THEY DO THE REMOVING! WISH WE HAD ONE OF THOSE LIFTS THEN KELLY COULD TAKE ON ALL KINDS OF EXTRA JOBS! I TALKED TO HIM LAST WEEK ABOUT PUTTING IN A CONCRETE SLAB AND COVER WHERE HE DOES THE WORK AND HE’S ALREADY PLANNING ON DOING IT WHEN THE WEATHER CLEARS! WE HAVE A 2 BAG MIXER, ALL WE NEED IS THE SAND, GRAVEL, RE-BAR AND CEMENT! IT WILL GET DONE IN 10 FOOT SQUARES AND WILL BE 30’X30’!
BOY, HAVE WE BEEN GETTING THE BAD WEATHER, I CALLED THE CORPS OF ENGINEERS AND ASKED THEM WHEN THEY WERE GOING TO START LETTING WATER OUT OF THE LAKE, IT’S ALREADY UP TO ALMOST 620’ FEET MABOVE SEA LEVEL, WE DON’T WANT A REPEAT OF LAST YEAR WHEN THEY WAITED TO LONG TO START THEN THEY COULDN’T CATCH UP! SO, WHEN IT REACHES OVER 620’ THEY’LL OPEN A SMALL PORTION OF THE FLOOD GATES AND GO FROM THERE! I DIDN’T HAVE TOO BUT, I REMINDED THEM THAT WHEN THAT 30 TO 50 FEET OF SNOW IN THE COLORADO ROCKIES STARTS TO MELT 90% OF IT WILL HIT LAKE TEXOMA! LAST YEAR THE INCOME AT ONE TIME WAS 105,000 CUBIC FEET A SECOND AND THE MAXIMUM WE CAN LET OUT IS 100,000 CUBIC FEET A SECOND BUT, THEN WE FLOOD THEM DOWN STREAM WHICH ISN’T GOOD! IN EFFECT WE ALMOST HAVE A CATCH 22 SITUATION!
MORE JOKES FROM ARCAMAX
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
Monster Valentine
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?
Give the Lawyer a Hand
A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Divorced Barbie
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.
HOWARD
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