HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE
NUMBER 4 VOL 9
APRIL 4TH 2008
WEATHER; NICE, HI HUMIDITY, 43/72 DEGREES
ANSWER TO POP QUIZ; “WINGS” WON THE FIRST EVER ACADEMY AWARD IN 1927
POP QUIZ; IN WHAT MOVIE WERE THESES WORDS SAID; “MY MOTHER THANKS YOU, MY FATHER THANKS YOU, MY SISTER THANKS YOU AND I THANK YOU?”
WHEN KELLY GOT HOME HE PULLED THE COMPUTER OUT OF THE 91’ ACCLAIM AND HE AND MOM WENT IN TO AUTO-ZONE TO GET THE NEW ONE. WHEN HE GOT BACK AND PUT THE NEW ONE IN I TRIED TO START THE CAR BUT ALL IT DID WAS CRANK OVER AND DIDN’T START! HE CHECKED FOR FIRE AT THE COIL WIRE BY HOLDING IT TO A GOOD GROUND WHILE I CRANKED IT OVER, NOTHING! HE CALLED AUTO-ZONE AND TOLD THEM THE PROBLEM AND THEN HE AND MOM TOOK THE COMPUTER BACK WITH THE PAPER I GOT FROM R&D WITH ALL THE DIFFERENT I.D #s ON IT FOR THE CARS THAT USED THE SAME COMPUTER! WHAT THEY FOUND WAS SOMEONE AT THE REBUILDERS HAD SCRATCHED A NUMBER OFF THE REBUILDES TAG AND WROTE THE NUMBER OF THE COMPUTER WE NEEDIN ITS PLACE!
AUTO-ZONE ORDERED ANOTHER COMPUTER WITH THE RIGHT NUMBER ON IT, IT WILL BE IN MONDAY OR TUESDAY! IF SOMETHING IS GOING TO GET SCREWED UP IT WILL BE SOMETHING FOR US THAT WE NEED A.S.A.P.!
I CALLED R&D ABOUT THE TRANSMISSION BUT THEY CAN’T GET BACK TO BRING THE CAR UP TO THE LIFT BECAUSE OF THE RAIN LAST NIGHT, 4-5 INCHES SO IT’LL BE WEEK AFTER NEXT BEFORE THE BOYS CAN PUT IT IN THE INTREPID! OH WELL! I’M GETTING USED TO IT, I KNOW IT’S NOT ON PURPOSE BUT SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE IT!
MORE JOKES FROM ARCAMAX
AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN HAD SERIOUS HEARING PROBLEMS FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS. HE WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND THE DOCTOR WAS ABLE TO HAVE HIM FITTED FOR A SET OF HEARING AIDS THAT ALLOWED THE GENTLEMAN TO HEAR 100%. THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN WENT BACK IN A MONTH AND THE DOCTOR SAID,
'YOUR HEARING IS PERFECT. YOUR FAMILY MUST BE REALLY PLEASED THAT YOU CAN HEAR AGAIN.'
THE GENTLEMAN REPLIED, 'OH, I HAVEN'T TOLD MY FAMILY YET.
I JUST SIT AROUND AND LISTEN TO THE CONVERSATIONS. I'VE CHANGED MY WILL THREE TIMES!'
TWO ELDERLY GENTLEMEN FROM A RETIREMENT CENTRE WERE SITTING ON A BENCH BENEATH A TREE WHEN ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS: 'SLIM, I'M 83 YEARS OLD NOW AND I'M JUST FULL OF ACHES AND PAINS. I KNOW YOU'RE ABOUT MY AGE.
DO YOU FEEL ALRIGHT?'
SLIM SAYS, 'I FEEL JUST LIKE A NEWBORN BABY.'
REALLY!? LIKE A NEWBORN BABY!?
YEP. NO HAIR, NO TEETH, AND I THINK I JUST WET MY PANTS.
AN ELDERLY COUPLE HAD DINNER AT ANOTHER COUPLE'S HOUSE, AND AFTER EATING, THE WIVES LEFT THE TABLE AND WENT INTO THE KITCHEN. THE TWO GENTLEMEN WERE TALKING, AND ONE SAID, 'LAST NIGHT WE WENT TO A NEW RESTAURANT AND IT WAS REALLY GREAT. I RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY.THE OTHER MAN SAID, 'WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE RESTAURANT?'
THE FIRST MAN THOUGHT AND THOUGHT AND FINALLY SAID, 'WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FLOWER YOU GIVE TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE?
YOU KNOW? THE RED ONE THAT HAS THORNS!
DO YOU MEAN A ROSE?
'YES, THAT'S THE ONE,' REPLIED THE MAN. HE TURNED TOWARDS THE KITCHEN
YELLING, 'ROSE, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT?
HOSPITAL REGULATIONS REQUIRE A WHEEL CHAIR FOR PATIENTS BEING DISCHARGED.
HOWEVER, WHILE WORKING AS A STUDENT NURSE, I FOUND ONE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN ALREADY DRESSED AND SITTING ON THE BED WITH A SUITCASE WHO INSISTED HE DIDN'T NEED MY HELP TO LEAVE THE HOSPITAL.
AFTER A CHAT ABOUT RULES BEING RULES, HE RELUCTANTLY LET ME WHEEL HIM TO THE ELEVATOR.
ON THE WAY DOWN I ASKED HIM IF HIS WIFE WAS MEETING HIM.
'I DON'T KNOW,' HE SAID. 'SHE'S STILL UPSTAIRS IN THE BATHROOM CHANGING OUT OF HER HOSPITAL GOWN.'
A SENIOR CITIZEN SAID TO HIS EIGHTY-YEAR OLD BUDDY:
'SO I HEAR YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?'
'YEP!'
'DO I KNOW HER?'
'NOPE!'
'THIS WOMAN, IS SHE GOOD LOOKING?'
'NOT REALLY.'
'IS SHE A GOOD COOK?'
'NO,SHE CAN'T COOK TOO WELL.'
'DOES SHE HAVE LOTS OF MONEY?'
'NOPE! POOR AS A CHURCH MOUSE.'
'WELL, THEN, IS SHE GOOD IN BED?'
'I DON'T KNOW.'
'WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HER?'
'BECAUSE SHE CAN STILL DRIVE!'
THREE OLD GUYS ARE OUT WALKING.
FIRST ONE SAYS, 'WINDY, ISN'T IT?'
SECOND ONE SAYS, 'NO, IT'S THURSDAY!'
THIRD ONE SAYS, 'SO AM I. LETS GO GET A BEER.'
A MAN WAS TELLING HIS NEIGHBOR 'I JUST BOUGHT A NEW HEARING AID. IT COST ME FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS, BUT ITS STATE OF THE ART. IT'S PERFECT.'
REALLY, 'ANSWERED THE NEIGHBOR 'WHAT KIND IS IT?'
'TWELVE THIRTY.'
MORRIS, AN 82 YEAR-OLD MAN, WENT TO THE DOCTOR TO GET A PHYSICAL.
A FEW DAYS LATER, THE DOCTOR SAW MORRIS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH A GORGEOUS YOUNG WOMAN ON HIS ARM.
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER, THE DOCTOR SPOKE TO MORRIS AND SAID, 'YOU'RE REALLY DOING GREAT, AREN'T YOU?'
MORRIS REPLIED, 'JUST DOING WHAT YOU SAID, DOC: 'GET A HOT MAMMA AND
BE CHEERFUL.''THE DOCTOR SAID, 'I DIDN'T SAY THAT. I SAID, 'YOU'VE GOT A HEART MURMUR; BE CAREFUL.'
ONE MORE. . .!
A LITTLE OLD MAN SHUFFLED SLOWLY INTO AN ICE CREAM PARLOR AND PULLED HIMSELF SLOWLY, PAINFULLY, UP ONTO A STOOL.. AFTER CATCHING HIS BREATH, HE ORDERED A BANANA SPLIT.
THE WAITRESS ASKED KINDLY, 'CRUSHED NUTS?'
'NO,' HE REPLIED, 'ARTHRITIS.'
LORD, PLEASE KEEP YOUR ARM AROUND MY SHOULDER AND YOUR HAND OVER MY MOUTH.
THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.
HOWARD
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