HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE
NUMBER 10 VOL 10
MAY 10TH 2008
WEATHER; WARM, MED HUMIDITY, 61/90 DEGREES
KERRY AND DEBI WERE HERE FOR A VISIT AND TO BRING MOM A MOTHERS DAY CARD AND THEIR BEST WISHES FOR A HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! WE HAD A GOOD VISIT AND I ENJOYED TALKING TO KERRY ABOUT HIS JOB, IT REALLY SOUNDS INTERESTING AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE’S FOUND HIS NITCH UNLESS SOMEBODY COME ALONG WITH A BETTER OFFER, IT WOULD REALLY HAVE TO BE A WHOLE LOT BETTER OFFER!
WE TALKED ABOUT PEGGY AND SOME OF THE PROBLEMS THEY’RE HAVING WITH HER RACE CAR, HE’S BEEN DOWN THE ROAD AS FAR AS SETTING UP RACE CARS FOR MIXIMUM PERFORMANCE IN THE ¼ MILE! HE’S GOING TO SEND HER AN E-MAIL AND OFFER HIS HELP IN SOLVING SOME OF THE PROBLEMS, ALL SHE CAN SAY IS “NO THANKS!” KERRY AND PAUL TALKED QUITE A BIT WHEN THEY WERE HERE FOR CHRISTMAS AND GOT ALONG JUST FINE, THEY RESPECTED EACH OTHERS INTELLIGENCE ON A LOT OF SUBJECTS INCLUDING ¼ MILE DRAG RACING SO MAYBE THEY’LL WELCOME HIS INPUT!
WE ALSO TOUCHED ON THE PROBLEM WITH THE INTREPID AND HE OFFERED A COUPLE OF SUGGESTION FOR KELLY TO CHECK OUT! KELLY USED TO WORK FOR KERRY WHEN HE HAD HIS SHOP IN CARROLTON, TX.. WHEN KERRY CLOSED IT UP TO GO TO WORK FOR STEWERT-STEVENSON IN DALLAS KELLY MOVED TO HOUSTON AND WENT TO WORK DOING MECHANIC WORK THEN WHEN THAT GAVE OUT HE MOVED BACK UP HERE AND HAS BEEN HERE SINCE!
SHANNON AND KONNER WERE HERE FOR A WHILE, HE’S GOT AN EAR INFECTION AND SOMETHING ELSE SO HE WAS OUT OF SORTS. POOR KIDS, THEY HURT AND CAN’T TELL YOU WHERE IT IS IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO TAKE LITTLE ONES TO A VETERINARIAN ANIMALS CAN’T TELL WHERE THEY HURT BUT THE VET FINDS IT AND TREATS THEM! I KNOW, A VETERINARIAN CANT TREAT HUMANS, JUST A THOUGHT!
MOM AND I WENT TO 5:00 MASS TODAY AND THEN I TOOK HER TO APPLEBEES TO CELEBRATE MOTHERS DAY. WE CAME HOME AND I CHANGED INTO SHORTS AND SLIPPERS TO WATCH TV.
EVERYBODY EXCEPT KERRY AND DEBI ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TOMORROW FOR THE COOK OUT. I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHO SHOWS UP! IT’LL BE OUR FAMILY AND GLENDAS KIDS AND GRANDKIDS AND ANYBODY ELSE WHO SHOWS UP!
I’M SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAYS CHRONICLE BUT I WAS JUST TO SICK TO SET AT MY COMPUTER BUT I’M MUCH BETTER TODAY AS YOU CAN SEE
HERE’S A FEW JOKES FROM ACRAMAX
RUDE PARROT
DAVID RECEIVED A PARROT FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. THIS PARROT WAS FULLY GROWN WITH A BAD ATTITUDE AND WORSE VOCABULARY. EVERY OTHER WORD WAS AN EXPLETIVE. THOSE THAT WEREN'T EXPLETIVES WERE, TO SAY THE LEAST, RUDE.
DAVID TRIED TO CHANGE THE BIRD'S ATTITUDE AND WAS CONSTANTLY SAYING POLITE WORDS, PLAYING SOFT MUSIC, ANYTHING HE COULD THINK OF TO TRY AND SET A GOOD EXAMPLE. NOTHING WORKED. HE YELLED AT THE BIRD AND THE BIRD GOT WORSE. HE SHOOK THE BIRD AND THE BIRD GOT MORE ANGRY AND MORE RUDE.
FINALLY IN A MOMENT OF DESPERATION, DAVID PUT THE PARROT IN THE FREEZER. FOR A FEW MOMENTS HE HEARD THE BIRD SQUAWKING AND KICKING AND SCREAMING THEN SUDDENLY THERE WAS QUIET. DAVID WAS FRIGHTENED THAT HE MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY HURT THE BIRD AND QUICKLY OPENED THE FREEZER DOOR.
THE PARROT CALMLY STEPPED OUT ONTO DAVID'S EXTENDED ARM AND SAID, "I'M SORRY THAT I MIGHT HAVE OFFENDED YOU WITH MY LANGUAGE AND ACTIONS AND ASK FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS. I WILL ENDEAVOR TO CORRECT MY BEHAVIOR."
DAVID WAS ASTOUNDED AT THE BIRD'S CHANGE IN ATTITUDE, AND WAS JUST ABOUT TO ASK WHAT HAD MADE SUCH A DRASTIC CHANGE, WHEN THE PARROT CONTINUED,
"NOW, IF I MAY ASK, WHAT DID THE CHICKEN DO?"
NO TAPPING
A TAXI PASSENGER TAPPED THE DRIVER ON THE SHOULDER TO ASK HIM A QUESTION. THE DRIVER SCREAMED, LOST CONTROL OF THE CAR, NEARLY HIT A BUS, WENT UP ON THE FOOTPATH, AND STOPPED CENTIMETERS FROM A SHOP WINDOW.
FOR A SECOND EVERYTHING WENT QUIET IN THE CAB, THEN THE DRIVER SAID, “LOOK MATE, DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN. YOU SCARED THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME!“
THE PASSENGER APOLOGIZED AND SAID, “I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT A LITTLE TAP WOULD SCARE YOU SO MUCH.”
THE DRIVER REPLIED, “IT’S OKAY, THAT’S NOT REALLY YOUR FAULT. TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY AS A CAB DRIVER. I’VE BEEN DRIVING A FUNERAL VAN FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS.”
TALKING DOG
A MAN TRIED TO SELL HIS NEIGHBOR A NEW DOG. "THIS IS A TALKING DOG," HE SAID. "AND YOU CAN HAVE HIM FOR FIVE DOLLARS."
THE NEIGHBOR SAID, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE KIDDING WITH THIS TALKING-DOG STUFF? THERE AIN'T NO SUCH ANIMAL."
SUDDENLY THE DOG LOOKED UP WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES. "PLEASE BUY ME, SIR," HE PLEADED. "THIS MAN IS CRUEL. HE NEVER BUYS ME A MEAL, NEVER BATHES ME, NEVER TAKES ME FOR A WALK. AND I USED TO BE THE RICHEST TRICK DOG IN AMERICA. I PERFORMED BEFORE KINGS. I WAS IN THE ARMY AND WAS DECORATED TEN TIMES."
"HEY!" SAID THE NEIGHBOR "HE CAN TALK. WHY DO YOU WANT TO SELL HIM FOR JUST FIVE DOLLARS?"
"BECAUSE," SAID THE SELLER, "I'M GETTING TIRED OF ALL HIS LIES.
TOO MANY CHOICES
QUESTION: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE FRUIT JUICE, SODA, TEA, CHOCOLATE, MILO, OR COFFEE?
ANSWER: TEA, PLEASE.
QUESTION: CEYLON TEA, HERBAL TEA, BUSH TEA, HONEY BUSH TEA, ICE TEA OR GREEN TEA?
ANSWER: CEYLON TEA
QUESTION: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT? BLACK OR WHITE
ANSWER: WHITE
QUESTION: MILK, WHITENER, OR CONDENSED MILK ?
ANSWER: WITH MILK.
QUESTION: GOAT MILK, CAMEL MILK OR COW MILK?
ANSWER: WITH COW MILK PLEASE.
QUESTION: MILK FROM FREEZE LAND COW OR AFRIKANER COW?
ANSWER: UM, I’LL TAKE IT BLACK.
QUESTION: WOULD YOU LIKE IT WITH SWEETENER, SUGAR OR HONEY?
ANSWER: WITH SUGAR.
QUESTION: BEET SUGAR OR CANE SUGAR
ANSWER: CANE SUGAR.
QUESTION: WHITE BROWN OR YELLOW SUGAR?
ANSWER: FORGET ABOUT TEA JUST GIVE ME A GLASS OF WATER INSTEAD.
QUESTION: MINERAL WATER OR STILL WATER?
ANSWER: MINERAL WATER
QUESTION: FLAVORED OR NON-FLAVORED?
ANSWER: I'D RATHER DIE OF THIRST.
THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.
HOWARD
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