DAILY CHRONICLE # 18 VOL 10

 

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 18 VOL 10

 

MAY 18^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; HOT, HI-HUMIDITY, 58/85 DEGREES

 

I’VE HAD TWO THINGS TAKE PLACE IN THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS THAT I FIGURED WOULD MAKE PRETTY GOOD READING!

 

ON SATURDAY I WATCHED A BLACK CARPENTER ANT LIFT, PUSH AND PULL PART OF A FLOWER BUD AROUND OUR DECK! THE ANT IS ABOUT ½ INCH LONG, THE PIECE OF FLOWER BUD IT WAS LUGGING AROUND WAS ATLEAST 2 ½ INCHES LONG! IT PULLED THE FLOWER PART ACROSS 5-6 2X6 PLANKS, THERE ARE SPACES BETWEEN THEM FROM 1/8^TH INCH TO ½ INCH, IT DIDN’T EVEN SLOW THE ANT DOWN. AT ONE TIME THE FLOWER PART FELL THROUGH A CRACK BUT THE ANT FOUGHT TO PULL IT BACK UP ON THE DECK, ANOTHER TIME THE ANT AND THE FLOWER PART DISAPEARED DOWN BETWEEN THE PLANKS AND I FIGURED IT FELL TO THE GROUND BUT, THEN I NOTICED THE ANT PULLING THE FLOWER PART UP TO THE DECK SURFACE, IT HAD GONE UNDER ONE OF THE PLANKS AND CRAWLED UPSIDE DOWN TO THE NEXT SPACE HOLDING ON TO THE FLOWER PART! EVENTUALLY IT WENT THROUGH A CRACK AND I ASSUME IT WENT TO THE ANT HILL WITH ITS PRIZE!

 

I WOULD VENTURE TO SAY IT WOULD BE LIKE A 200 LB. MAN CARRING AN 80 LB BAG OF SACKCRETE UP AND DOWN THE SIDE OF A BUILDING THEN UNDER A WOODEN FLOOR CRAWLING ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES HOLDING ON TO THE SACKCRETE AND HOLDING HIMSELF TO THE UNDERSIDE OF THE FLOOR SO HE DIDN’T FALL! IMPOSSIBLE YOU SAY! NOT TO THAT ANT, SUCH A SHOW OF STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION I HAVE NEVER WITNESSED BEFORE BUT, IT’S ALL AROUND US EVERY DAY!

 

THE NEXT THING WAS WATCHING A HUMMING BIRD FEED AT OUR FEEDERS, THEN FLY AWAY ONLY TO RETURN TIME AND AGAIN FOR MORE ENERGY DRINK! I JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING AT THE RIGHT TIME TO SEE THAT IT HAD A NEST IN A BROKEN LIMB THAT IS HANGING DOWN AT THE SIDE OF THE CEDER TREE!

 

USUALLY THEY FLY AWAY FROM THEIR NEST TO FOOL OTHER BIRDS AND PREDITORS ABOUT WHERE THE NEST IS! MOM GOT ME THE BINOCULARS AND SHE GOT HER CAMERA! I FIGURED OUT JUST WHAT CROOK OF THE BRANCHES THE NEST IS IN AND KEPT THE BINOCULARS HANDY, THEN THERE IT WAS AT OUR FEEDER AND WHEN IT FLEW IT HEADED AWAY FROM THE NEST BUT CAME BACK IN ABOUT 2-3 MINUTES FOR MORE DRINK, AGAIN IT FLEW AWAY FROM THE NEST BUT IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES I CAUGHT THE MOVEMENT OF IT AT THE NEST! THE LITTLE THINGS FLY SO FAST YOU CAN’T TRACK THEM. I PICKED UP THE BINOCULARS AND FOCUSED THEM WOW, WHAT A SIGHT, IT WAS SETTING ON THE NEST PREENING ITS FEATHERS AND LOOKING AROUND, ANY TIME IT LOOKED UP YOU COULD SEE THE BRIGHT RUBY THROAT FEATHERS. IT HAS A WHITE BAND AROUND THE NECK SEPERATING THE RUBY COLOR FROM THE BODY, A GREEN BACK AND A GRAY UNDER BELLY WITH BLACK AND WHITE SPOTTED WINGS! MOM GOT SOME GOOD PICTURES WITH HER DIDGITAL CAMERA, SHE MAGNAFIED ONE TO 8X AND YOU CAN SEE IT REAL GOOD! THE BIRD SENSES NO ONE WILL HURT IT IS WHY IT FLEW AROUND FOR ALMOST AN HOUR! WE ASSUME IT LOADED UP ON DRINK AND WENT IN FOR THE NIGHT!  WE’LL WATCH SOME MORE TOMORROW, THERE’S ALSO AN ALL GRAY HUMMER THAT ONLY MADE ONE APPEARANCE, MAYBE IT’LL GET BRAVER TOMORROW, THEY CHASE EACH OTHER AROUND THE POST ON THE DECK BUT THE GRAY ONE REALLY KEEPS ITS DISTANCE, I’VE ONLY SEEN IT A FEW TIMES THIS YEAR! IT HAS A LONG CURVED BEAK AND I THINK IT’S ONE CALLED “THE LUCIFER!”

 

I GOT THE “HANDY CAPPED” LICENSE PLATE ON THE INTREPID, WE HAVE ONE ON THE ACCLAIM ALSO! NOW WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR KELLY TO DO THE STRUTS, SHOCKS AND SERVICE THE TRANSMISSION!

 

HERE’S A FEW MORE FUNNYS FOR YOU!

 

 

SUBJECT: LAWYERS!

THESE ARE FROM A BOOK CALLED DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS, AND ARE THINGS PEOPLE ACTUALLY SAID IN COURT, WORD FOR WORD, TAKEN DOWN AND NOW PUBLISHED BY COURT REPORTERS WHO HAD THE TORMENT OF STAYING CALM WHILE THESE EXCHANGES WERE ACTUALLY TAKING PLACE.
>
> __________________________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: WHAT GEAR WERE YOU IN AT THE MOMENT OF THE IMPACT?
> WITNESS: GUCCI SWEATS AND REEBOKS.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: THIS MYASTHENIA GRAVIS, DOES IT AFFECT YOUR MEMORY AT ALL?
> WITNESS: YES.
> ATTORNEY: AND IN WHAT WAYS DOES IT AFFECT YOUR MEMORY?
> WITNESS: I FORGET.
> ATTORNEY: YOU FORGET? CAN YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE OF SOMETHING YOU FORGOT?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOUR HUSBAND SAID TO YOU THAT MORNING?
> WITNESS: HE SAID, 'WHERE AM I, CATHY?'
> ATTORNEY: AND WHY DID THAT UPSET YOU?
> WITNESS: MY NAME IS SUSAN!
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR DAUGHTER HAS EVER BEEN INVOLVED IN VOODOO?
> WITNESS: WE BOTH DO.
> ATTORNEY: VOODOO?
> WITNESS: WE DO.
> ATTORNEY: YOU DO?
> WITNESS: YES, VOODOO.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: NOW DOCTOR ISN'T IT TRUE THAT WHEN A PERSON DIES IN HIS SLEEP, HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT IT UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING?
> WITNESS: DID YOU ACTUALLY PASS THE BAR EXAM?
> __________________________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: THE YOUNGEST SON, THE TWENTY-YEAR-OLD, HOW OLD IS HE?
> WITNESS: UH, HE'S TWENTY.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: WERE YOU PRESENT WHEN YOUR PICTURE WAS TAKEN?
> WITNESS: ARE YOU "FUCKING" WITH ME?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: SO THE DATE OF CONCEPTION (OF THE BABY) WAS AUGUST 8TH?
> WITNESS: YES.
> ATTORNEY: AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT THAT TIME?
> WITNESS: UH.... I WAS GETTIN' LAID!
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: SHE HAD THREE CHILDREN, RIGHT?
> WITNESS: YES.
> ATTORNEY: HOW MANY WERE BOYS?
> WITNESS: NONE.
> ATTORNEY: WERE THERE ANY GIRLS?
> WITNESS: ARE YOU "SHITING" ME?  YOUR HONOUR, I THINK I NEED A DIFFERENT ATTORNEY. CAN I GET A NEW ATTORNEY?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: HOW WAS YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE TERMINATED?
> WITNESS: BY DEATH.
> ATTORNEY: AND BY WHOSE DEATH WAS IT TERMINATED?
> WITNESS: NOW WHOSE DEATH DO YOU SUPPOSE TERMINATED IT?

> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE INDIVIDUAL?
> WITNESS: HE WAS ABOUT MEDIUM HEIGHT AND HAD A BEARD
> ATTORNEY: WAS THIS A MALE OR A FEMALE?
> WITNESS: GUESS.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: IS YOUR APPEARANCE HERE THIS MORNING PURSUANT TO A DEPOSITION NOTICE WHICH I SENT TO YOUR ATTORNEY?
> WITNESS: NO, THIS IS HOW I DRESS WHEN I GO TO WORK.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: DOCTOR, HOW MANY OF YOUR AUTOPSIES HAVE YOU PERFORMED ON DEAD PEOPLE?
> WITNESS: ALL MY AUTOPSIES ARE PERFORMED ON DEAD PEOPLE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPHRASE THAT?
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL YOUR RESPONSES MUST BE ORAL, OK? WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO?
> WITNESS: ORAL.
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: DO YOU RECALL THE TIME THAT YOU EXAMINED THE BODY?
> WITNESS: THE AUTOPSY STARTED AROUND 8:30 P.M.
> ATTORNEY: AND MR. DENTON WAS DEAD AT THE TIME?
> WITNESS: NO, HE WAS SITTING ON THE TABLE WONDERING WHY I WAS DOING AN AUTOPSY ON HIM!
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO GIVE A URINE SAMPLE?
> WITNESS: HUH....ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO ASK THAT QUESTION?
> _________________________________________________________
>
>
>
> AND THE BEST FOR LAST:
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: DOCTOR, BEFORE YOU PERFORMED THE AUTOPSY, DID YOU CHECK FOR A PULSE?
> WITNESS: NO.
> ATTORNEY: DID YOU CHECK FOR BLOOD PRESSURE?
> WITNESS: NO.
> ATTORNEY: DID YOU CHECK FOR BREATHING?
> WITNESS: NO.
> ATTORNEY: SO, THEN IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THE PATIENT WAS ALIVE WHEN YOU BEGAN THE AUTOPSY?
> WITNESS: NO.
> ATTORNEY: HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE, DOCTOR?
> WITNESS: BECAUSE HIS BRAIN WAS SITTING ON MY DESK IN A JAR.
> ATTORNEY: I SEE, BUT COULD THE PATIENT HAVE STILL BEEN ALIVE, NEVERTHELESS?
> WITNESS: YES, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT HE COULD HAVE BEEN ALIVE AND PRACTICING LAW.

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

 

HOWARD