DAILY CHRONICLE #25 VOL 10

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

 

NUMBER 25 VOL 10

 

MAY 25^TH 2008

 

WEATHER; HOT, MED HUMIDITY, 73/91 DEGREES

 

MOM GOT UP AND WENT TO 9:30 MASS, I DECIDED TO STAY OFF MY FOOT TILL I GO TO THE DALLAS VA TUESDAY! THE TOE IS LOOKING BETTER MOM NOTICED WHEN SHE WAS PUTTING THE BANDAGE ON FOR THE NIGHT THAT THE BLISTER HAD SPLIT OPEN! WE ASSUME IT’S BECAUSE I’VE BEEN SOAKING IT IN HOT EPSOM SALT WATER! BY THE TIME I GET TO DALLAS VA IT SHOULD BE PRETTY WELL ON THE WAY TO GETTING BACK TO NORMAL!

 

I GUESS I WAS RIGHT, WE’RE HAVING A BIG COOK OUT MONDAY AND TIM AND ELYSE ARE COMING UP FOR THE DAY! I’M GLAD THEY’RE COMING UP EVEN THOUGH THE COST OF GAS SO HIGH!

 

I RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM MY FRIEND IN CANADA TELLING ABOUT A BIG OIL FIND IN MONTANA, NORTH AND SOUTH DAKOTA AND SASKATCHEWAN, CANADA.  IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE 503 BILLION BARRELS, THE BIGGEST OIL FIND IN U.S. HISTORY! IT’S BIGGER BY FAR THAN THE ONE IN SAUDI ARABIA! WE’RE CHECKING IT OUT ON “URBAN LEGENDS” TO BE SURE IT’S NOT A SCAM! IF IT’S LEGIT THEY’RE GOING TO LET THE SMALL INVESTORS GET INVOLVED!

 

A COUPLE OF MORE FROM ACRAMAX

 

PEANUTS AND CIGARETTES

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND ORDERS A DRINK. THE BARTENDER GIVES HIM HIS DRINK, ACCOMPANIED BY A BOWL OF PEANUTS. TO HIS SURPRISE, A VOICE COMES FROM THE PEANUT BOWL. "YOU LOOK GREAT TONIGHT!" IT SAID. "YOU REALLY LOOK FANTASTIC... AND THAT AFTER SHAVE IS JUST WONDERFUL!"

THE MAN IS OBVIOUSLY A LITTLE CONFUSED, BUT TRIES TO IGNORE IT. REALIZING HE HAS NO CIGARETTES, HE WANDERS OVER TO THE CIGARETTE MACHINE. AFTER INSERTING HIS MONEY, ANOTHER VOICE EMITS FROM THE MACHINE. "YOU JERK. OH MY GOSH YOU STINK. DO YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ALMOST AS UGLY AS YOUR MOTHER."

BY NOW, THE MAN IS EXTREMELY PERPLEXED. HE TURNS TO THE BARTENDER FOR AN EXPLANATION. "AH YES SIR," THE BARTENDER RESPONDS, "THE PEANUTS ARE COMPLIMENTARY, BUT THE CIGARETTE MACHINE IS OUT OF ORDER."

 

 

JET FUEL

BUD AND JIM WERE A COUPLE OF DRINKING BUDDIES WHO WORKED AS AIRPLANE MECHANICS IN ATLANTA. ONE DAY THE AIRPORT WAS FOGGED IN AND THEY WERE STUCK IN THE HANGAR WITH NOTHING TO DO. BUD SAID, "MAN, I WISH WE HAD SOMETHING TO DRINK!"

JIM SAYS, "ME TOO. Y'KNOW, I'VE HEARD YOU CAN DRINK JET FUEL AND GET A BUZZ. YOU WANNA TRY IT?" SO THEY POUR THEMSELVES A COUPLE OF GLASSES OF HIGH OCTANE HOOCH AND GET COMPLETELY SMASHED. THE NEXT MORNING BUD WAKES UP AND IS SURPRISED AT HOW GOOD HE FEELS.

IN FACT HE FEELS GREAT! NO HANGOVER! NO BAD SIDE EFFECTS. NOTHING! THEN THE PHONE RINGS. IT'S JIM. JIM SAYS, "HEY, HOW DO YOU FEEL THIS MORNING?"

BUD SAYS, "I FEEL GREAT. HOW ABOUT YOU?"

JIM SAYS, "I FEEL GREAT, TOO. YOU DON'T HAVE A HANGOVER?" BUD SAYS, "NO, THAT JET FUEL IS GREAT STUFF - NO HANGOVER, NOTHING. WE OUGHT TO DO THIS MORE OFTEN."
"YEAH, WELL THERE'S JUST ONE THING..."
"WHAT'S THAT?"
"HAVE YOU...ERR... BROKEN WIND YET?"
"NO."

"WELL, DON'T, 'CAUSE I'M IN PHOENIX!"

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE

HOWARD