HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE
NUMBER 13 VOL 12
JULY 13TH 2008
WEATHER; WARM, LOW HUMIDITY, 68/93 DEGREES
MOM GOT HOME AND TOLD ME THE CAR COOLED FINE BUT THE TACH, RADIO, GLOVE BOX LIGHT OR CIGARETT LIGHTER DIDN’T WORK! WE HAVE A COOLER BOX IN THE CAR THAT MOM PUTS THE COLD THINGS IN WHEN SHE GOES SHOPPING AND WE PLUG IT INTO THE CIGARETT LIGHTER!
KELLY CAME UP AND CHECKED IT OUT AND FOUND A BLOWN FUSE, HE FOUND OUT WHEN HE HOOKS UP THE LIGHT IN THE GLOVE BOX IT BLOWS THE FUSE SO WE TOLD HIMTO DO AWAY WITH THE GLOVE BOX LIGHT!
MOM WENT OUT AND WASHED THE ACCLAIM, IT ALL STARTED WHEN SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO CLEAN THE WINDOWS! SHE CAME IN AND WANTED TO KNOW IF DISH DOAP WAS OK TO USE ON THE CAR AND I TOLD HER NO THAT WE HAVE A “MR. CLEAN” GUN DOWN IN THE WELL HOUSE WITH ALL THE SOAPS, WAXES AND FILTER! WHEN YOU USE THIS THERE’S NO WIPING THE CHROME OR WINDOWS, THEY WON’T SPOT! SHE USED IT AND THE OLD BUS LOOKS PRETTY GOOD! IT REALLY NEEDS A PAINT JOB BUT THE CHEAPEST PRICE I GOT WAS $2,000! THERE’S A LOT OF PAINT PEALING OFF AND SOME MINOR BODY WORK ON THE LOWER RIGHT REAR PANEL BEHIND THE WHEEL!
I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT USING SOME OF THIS NEW JELLY WATER BASED STRIPPER BUT MY HANDS JUST ARE NOT UP TO IT! OH, I’D USE GLOVES BUT I DON’T HAVE ANY FEELING IN THEM!
I CALLED MY NIECE BARBARA IN HOMER, LA. TODAY AND WISHED HER A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY! SHE AND I WERE RAISED TOGETHER, I’M 4 YEARS OLDER! SHE’S DOING OK! HER DAUGHTER LIBBY LIVES ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER AND TOOK HER TO SHREVEPORT, LA. FOR HER BIRTHDAY, SHE DIDN’T WIN ANYTHING (WHICH IS UNUSUAL FOR HER) BUT THEY HAD A GOOD TIME! SHE FINDS IT HARD TO BELIEVE I LIVE 20 MILES FROM THE “CHOCKTAW CASINO AND COMPLEX” AND DON’T GO AND GAMBLE! I’M NOT LIKE MY MOTHER SHE COULD BET IT WOULDN’T RAIN WHILE STANDING IN A RAIN STORM AND WIN BARBARA’S LIKE HER! ME, IF I HAD ALL BUT ONE TICKET IN A $10,000 RAFFEL I’D LOSE! NOW LILLIAN’S ANOTHER STORY, SHE’S LIKE MY MOTHER, SHE WINS! SHE PAID FOR SOME OF OUR TRIP AT THE CASINOS WE STOPPED AT ALONG THE WAY!
I GOT AN E-MAIL FROM MARY AND BOB GUZMAN WITH A PICTURE OF MY BROTHER JERRY AND HIS WIFE PAT ALONG WITH THEIR DAUGHTER KATHY AT A CASINO IN MINDEN, NEVADA! JERRY AND PAT LIVE IN GARDNERVILLE WHICH IS RIGHT NEXT TO MINDEN BUT I DON’T THINK THERE ARE ANY CASINOS IN GARDNERVILLE IT’S A BEDROOM/RETIRED PEOPLE COMMUNITY! MARY GUZMAN IS MY NIECE, SHE’S BARBARA’S LITTLE SISTER! SHE’S A RETIRED NAVY NURSE AND BOB IS A RETIRED LT. COMMANDER OR MAYBE A CAPTAIN I’M NOT SURE IF HE GOT PROMOTED BEFORE HE RETIRED FROM THE NAVY! THEY LIVE IN PINE GROVE, CA. AND HAD GONE TO VISIT UNCLE JERRY AND AUNT PAT ON JULY 2ND !
THIS COUPLE HAD 15 CHILDREN AND THE HUSBAND WAS TALKING TO HIS DOCTOR ONE DAY! THE DOCTOR WONDERED WHAT THEY DID TO STOP HAVING CHILDREN SINCE THEY HADN’T HAD ANY FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS! WE GOT MY WIFE A HEARING AID! A HEARING AID HOW DID THAT KEEP YOU FROM HAVING CHILDREN? WELL, FOR 16 YEARS WE’D GO TO BED AND I’D ASK HER; DO YOU WANT TO GO TO SLEEP OR WHAT? AND SHE’D ANSWER, WHAT!
ON HEARING THE NEWS
A LAW FIRM RECEPTIONIST ANSWERED THE PHONE THE MORNING AFTER THE FIRM'S SENIOR PARTNER HAD PASSED AWAY UNEXPECTEDLY. "IS MR. SPENSER THERE?" ASKED THE CLIENT ON THE PHONE.
"I'M VERY SORRY, BUT MR. SPENSER PASSED AWAY LAST NIGHT," THE RECEPTIONIST ANSWERED. "CAN ANYONE ELSE HELP YOU?"
THE MAN PAUSED FOR A MOMENT, THEN QUIETLY SAID, "NO" AND HUNG UP.
TEN MINUTES LATER, HE CALLED AGAIN AND ASKED FOR MR. SPENSER, HIS EX-WIFE'S LAWYER. THE RECEPTIONIST SAID, "YOU JUST CALLED A FEW MINUTES AGO, DIDN'T YOU? MR. SPENSER HAS DIED. I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP." THE MAN AGAIN HUNG UP.
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, HE CALLED A THIRD TIME AND ASKED FOR MR. SPENSER. THE RECEPTIONIST WAS IRKED BY THIS TIME. "I'VE TOLD YOU TWICE ALREADY, MR. SPENSER IS DEAD. HE IS NOT HERE! WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING FOR HIM WHEN I SAY HE'S DEAD? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?"
THE MAN REPLIED, "I UNDERSTAND YOU PERFECTLY. I JUST LIKE HEARING YOU SAY IT OVER AND OVER."
SWITCHING SIDES
A LIFE LONG SUPPORTER OF THE PEOPLE'S PARTY WAS LYING ON HIS DEATH BED WHEN HE SUDDENLY DECIDED TO JOIN THE ESTABLISHMENT PARTY.
"BUT WHY" ASKED HIS PUZZLED FRIEND, "YOU'RE PEOPLE THROUGH AND THROUGH. WHY CHANGE NOW?"
THE MAN LEARNED FORWARD AND EXPLAINED, "WELL, I'D RATHER IT WAS ONE OF THEM THAT DIED AND NOT ONE OF US."
THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.
HOWARD
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