DAILY CHRONICLE #4 VOL 12

HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE

NUMBER 4 VOL 12

JULY 4^TH 2008

WEATHER: HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 73/94 DEGREES

 

HAPPY 232^ND BIRTHDAY AMERICA

MAY GOD KEEP SHEDDING HIS GRACE ON THEE!

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATE OF AMERICA AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS

ONE NATION UNDER GOD INDIVISABLE WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

FOR A SAFE FOURTH FORGET THE FIFTH OF 99 PROOF

I WONDER WHAT BARACK OBAMA IS DOING TODAY? I’LL BET HE DIDN’T SAY THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE OR WORE A FLAG PIN FOR THE OCCASION

 

KELLY’S WORKING ON THE ACCLAIM A/C! HE FOUND LEAKY SCHRADER VALVES AND REPLACED THE ADAPTERS WE PUT ON WHEN WE CONVERTED TO 134A! NO OTHER LEAKS SO FAR, “XXXX” MY FINGERS CROSSED!

 

TIM CALLED AND SAID SHANNON WAS HAVING A BAD DAY SO SHE WOULDN’T BE GOING DOWN TO SEE THE FIRE WORKS SHOW OR PICK UP HER LAP TOP HE FIXED! HE INVITED US DOWN FOR BRISKET BUT WE’RE NOT SURE WE HAVE A CAR WITH GOOD A/C SO WE HAD TO DECLINE! MAYBE WE’LL ALL DO SOMETHING FOR LABOR DAY, IF WE SAVE OUR MONEY FOR GAS!!

 

THE GAS PRICE SURE IS PUTTING A DAMPER ON THE THINGS WE USED TO DO ON HOLIDAYS! OH WELL, WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT EXCEPT “BITCH”, THAT HELPS FOR A LITTLE WHILE!

 

YOU KNOW, AS LONG AS GAS IS SO HIGH AND PEOPLE AREN’T BUYING MUCH THE OIL COMPANIES DON’T NEED ALL THE OUTLETS THEY HAVE SO MAYBE THEY SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM!

 

UNSUITABLE STEAK

A WAITER BRINGS THE CUSTOMER THE STEAK HE ORDERED WITH HIS THUMB OVER THE MEAT.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?" YELLED THE CUSTOMER, "WITH YOUR HAND ON MY STEAK?"

"WHAT" ANSWERS THE WAITER, "YOU WANT IT TO FALL ON THE FLOOR AGAIN?"

 

FISHER OF MEN

THE WALTON'S INVITED THEIR NEW NEIGHBORS OVER TO DINNER. DURING DINNER MR. WALTON WAS ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING.

EIGHT YEARS OLD BRIAN WALTON JUMPED IN AND SAID, "DADDY IS A FISHERMAN!" TO WHICH MRS. WALTON REPLIED, "BRIAN, WHY DO SAY THAT. YOUR DADDY IS A STOCKBROKER, NOT A FISHERMAN."

"NO MOM. EVERY TIME WE VISIT DAD AT WORK AND HE HANGS UP THE PHONE HE LAUGHS, RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER AND SAYS 'I JUST CAUGHT ANOTHER FISH"

 

A SURE BET

AN ARCHAEOLOGIST WAS DIGGING IN THE NEGEV DESERT IN ISRAEL AND CAME UPON A CASKET CONTAINING A MUMMY. AFTER EXAMINING IT, HE CALLED THE CURATOR OF A PRESTIGIOUS NATURAL-HISTORY MUSEUM. "I'VE JUST DISCOVERED A 3,000 YEAR-OLD MUMMY OF A MAN WHO DIED OF HEART FAILURE!" THE EXCITED SCIENTIST EXCLAIMED.

TO WHICH THE CURATOR REPLIED, "BRING HIM IN. WE'LL CHECK IT OUT." A WEEK LATER, THE AMAZED CURATOR CALLED THE ARCHAEOLOGIST. "YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE MUMMY'S AGE AND CAUSE OF DEATH  HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU KNOW"

"EASY. THERE WAS A PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS HAND THAT SAID, '10,000 SHEKELS ON GOLIATH'."

 

THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.

HOWARD