HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE
NUMBER 5 VOL 12
JULY 5TH 2008
WEATHER; HOT, HIGH HUMIDITY, 71/95 DEGREES
I GUESS I REALLY GOOFED IN YESTERDAYS CHRONICLE ABOUT OBAMA AND THE FLAG PIN HE HASN’T BEEN WEARING! I TUNED IN CNN THIS MORNING AND DAMNED IF HE ISN’T WEARING A FLAG PIN WHILE HAVING A Q&A SESSION! ONE OF HIS PEOPLE SAID IT WAS TO SHOW HIS PATRIOTISM! AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED IT ‘S FOR POLITICAL REASONS ONLY! NOW, I’D LIKE TO SEE HIM DOING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE AT A 4TH OF JULY GATHERING! OF COURSE IT WOULD BE FOR POLITICAL REASONS TOO! I’M AFRAID IT’S “TO LITTLE TO LATE” FOR ME! I’VE MADE MY DECISION WHERE MY VOTE WILL GO OR WILL NOT GO! SORRY FOR THE POLITICS BUT I HAD TO EAT A LITTLE CROW FOR THE FLAG PIN STATEMENT AND WANTED ALL OF YOU TO KNOW WHERE I STAND! NOW IF HE SAID THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE I’LL SWALLOW HARD AND EAT A LITTLE MORE!
FYI; WHAT BROUGHT ALL THESE DISCUSSIONS ABOUT WEARING FLAG PINS AND SAYING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE ABOUT WAS WHEN HE SAID; “THE AMERICAN FLAG IS A SIGN OF OPPRESSION TO SOME PEOPLE SO HE OPTED NOT TO WEAR IT”! “THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE SHOWS TOO MUCH VIOLENCE WITH ALL THE BOMBS BURSTING ETC!”
MR. OBAMA, LET ME CLUE YOU IN TO A FEW FACTS YOU EVIDENTLY DIDN’T LEARN IN THE FOREIGN SCHOOLS YOU ATTENDED; WE FOUGHT TWO WARS IN THIS COUNTRY FOR THE FREEDOMS AND UNITY WE HAVE TODAY AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE THERE WERE BOMBS BURSTING AND GUN FIRE AND ALL THE MAYHEM THAT GOES WITH WAR! YOUR PEOPLE WERE SET FREE IN ONE OF THOSE WARS AND DO YOU THINK THERE WASN’T ANY VIOLENCE WHILE DOING IT! I DON’T SEE HOW ANYONE, CITIZEN OR FOREIGNER COULD WATCH ANY ONE OF THE CELEBRATIONS YESTERDAY AND NOT HAVE A TEAR IN THEIR EYE OR LUMP IN THEIR THROAT AND A FEELING OF PATRIOTISM! I HEARD A FOREIGN MAN WHO HAD BEEN AT THE CAPITOL CELEBRATION INTERVIEWED ON CNN THIS MORNING AND HE SAID: AMERICANS HAVE IT ALL, PATRIOTISM, COMMRADERY, AND LOVE OF COUNTRY, MORE THAN HE HAS SEEN IN ANY OTHER COUNTRY! BUT OF COURSE YOU NEVER SHOW ANY EMOTION WHICH IS ONE REASON YOU DON’T BELONG IN THE WHITE HOUSE! YOU’RE A GREAT ORATOR BUT YOU NEED THE COMPASSION AND LOVE THAT GO ALONG WITH THE JOB AND YOU JUST DON’T QUALIFY IN THOSE DEPARTMENTS!
I APPOLOGIZE, I JUST HAD TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST AND I PROMISE, NO MORE UNLESS SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT COMES UP!
WENT OUT TO CHECK THE A/C IN THE ACCLAIM THIS MORNING AND IT BLEW WARM! LOST ALL THE FREON AGAIN BUT THIS TIME OVER NIGHT WHICH MEANS THE LEAK REALLY GOT BAD!
I CAME IN AND CALLED MIKE TO ASK IF HE COULD COME OVER AND GIVE KELLY A HAND TO FIND THE LEAK! HE SAID HE’S BE HERE LATER IN THE AFTERNOON! ABOUT 4:30 I WENT OUT TO PULL THE CAR DOWN WHERE THE SHADE IS AND KELLY AND MIKE WERE OUT THERE TALKING! KELLY PULLED THE CAR DOWN TO THE SHADE AND THEY WENT TO CHECKING EVERYTHING OVER! IT CAME DOWN TO THE EVAPORATOR COIL UNDER THE DASH WHEN MIKE PULLED THE “SLOBBER” TUBE OUT OF THE HOLE IN THE FIREWALL! YELLOW COLORED WATER CAME OUT! THE YELLOW IS THE LEAK DETECTOR KELLY HAD PUT IN YESTERDAY BUT DIDN’T FIND ANY VISABLE LEAKS! I CALLED AUTO-ZONE AND GOT PRICES ON AN EVAPORATOR COIL, HEATER COIL (THEY’RE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER UNDER THE DASH SO MIKE SUGGESTED WE CHANGE THE HEATER COIL TOO), AND AN EXPANSION VALVE WHICH NEEDS TO BE PULLED TO GET THE EVAPORATOR COIL OUTSO WE’LL PUT A NEW ONE BACK IN! IF I WOULD HAVE PICKED UP THE CONDENSER I ORDERED IT WOULD HAVE COST $156.89, ALL THREE OF THESE ITEMS ADD UP TO $155.85! THEY’LL ALL BE IN TOMORROW AFTER 12PM! MIKE SAID NOT TO RUSH KELLY WHICH I DON’T DO ANYHOW, THIS IS A 6HR. JOB BY AN EXPERIENCED MECHANIC! WE DON’T CARE IF IT TAKES 2-3 DAYS AS LONG AS IT FIXES THE PROBLEM! WE’RE GOING TO NURSE THE INTREPID ALONG BUT ONLY WHEN WE ABSOLUTLY NEED TO DRIVE IT! MOM WILL TAKE IT IN THE MORNING TO GO PICK UP CHARLEEN LATINIS FOR MASS AND STOP AND GET SOME THINGS FROM THE STORE!
CABBIE IN HEAVEN
A PREACHER DIES, AND WHEN HE GETS TO HEAVEN, HE SEES A NEW YORK CAB DRIVER WHO HAS MORE CROWNS. HE SAYS TO AN ANGEL, "I DON'T GET IT. I DEVOTED MY WHOLE LIFE TO MY CONGREGATION."
THE ANGEL SAYS, "WE REWARD RESULTS. DID YOUR CONGREGATION ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU GAVE A SERMON?"
THE PREACHER SAYS, "ONCE IN A WHILE SOMEONE FELL ASLEEP."
THE ANGEL SAYS, "RIGHT. AND WHEN PEOPLE RODE IN THIS GUY'S TAXI, THEY NOT ONLY STAYED AWAKE, BUT THEY USUALLY PRAYED!"
DRUNK EXCUSES
A POLICE OFFICER PULLS OVER THIS GUY WHO HAD BEEN WEAVING IN AND OUT OF THE LANES. HE GOES UP TO THE GUY'S WINDOW AND SAYS "SIR, I NEED YOU TO BLOW INTO THIS BREATHALYZER TUBE."
THE MAN SAYS, "SORRY OFFICER I CAN'T DO THAT. I AM AN ASTHMATIC. IF I DO THAT I'LL HAVE A REALLY BAD ASTHMA ATTACK."
"OKAY, FINE. I NEED YOU TO COME DOWN TO THE STATION TO GIVE A BLOOD SAMPLE."
"I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. I AM A HEMOPHILIAC. IF I DO THAT, I'LL BLEED TO DEATH."
"WELL, THEN WE NEED A URINE SAMPLE."
"I'M SORRY OFFICER I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. I AM ALSO A DIABETIC. IF I DO THAT I'LL GET REALLY LOW BLOOD SUGAR."
"ALRIGHT THEN I NEED YOU TO COME OUT HERE AND WALK THIS WHITE LINE."
"I CAN'T DO THAT, OFFICER."
"WHY NOT?"
"BECAUSE I'M TOO DRUNK TO DO THAT."
TAILORING
ABRAHAM WANTED A NEW SUIT, SO HE BOUGHT A NICE PIECE OF CLOTH AND THEN TRIED TO LOCATE A TAILOR. THE FIRST TAILOR HE VISITED LOOKED AT THE CLOTH AND MEASURED ABRAHAM, THEN TOLD HIM THE CLOTH WAS NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE A SUIT.
ABRAHAM WAS UNHAPPY WITH THIS OPINION AND SOUGHT ANOTHER TAILOR. THIS TAILOR MEASURED ABRAHAM, THEN MEASURED THE CLOTH, AND THEN SMILED AND SAID, "THERE IS ENOUGH CLOTH TO MAKE A PAIR OF TROUSERS, A COAT AND A VEST, PLEASE COME BACK IN A WEEK TO TAKE YOUR SUIT."
AFTER A WEEK ABRAHAM CAME TO TAKE HIS NEW SUIT, AND SAW THE TAILOR'S SON WEARING TROUSERS MADE OF THE SAME CLOTH. PERPLEXED, HE ASKED, "JUST HOW COULD YOU MAKE A FULL SUIT FOR ME AND TROUSERS FOR YOUR SON, WHEN THE OTHER TAILOR COULD NOT MAKE A SUIT ONLY?"
"IT'S VERY SIMPLE," REPLIED THE TAILOR, "THE OTHER TAILOR HAS TWO SONS."
THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.
HOWARD
No comments:
Post a Comment