HOWARD’S DAILY CHRONICLE
NUMBER 26 VOL 12
JULY 26TH 2008
WEATHER; HOT, MED HUMIDITY, 75/102 DEGREES
WASN’T MUCH GOING ON THIS MORNING SO I PULLED UP THE FREE CLASSIFIED FOR OUR AREA, www.texomamarketplace.com AND MADE UP AN AD FOR THE 1967 MERCEDES WE HAVE! THIS IS A REAL GOOD DEAL FOR ANYONE WANTING TO BUY, SELL, OR FIND SOMETHING, IT’S KIND OF LIKE A SHOPPER BUT IT DOESN’T COST ANYTHING! THE AD RUNS FOR A MONTH AND YOU CAN PUT PICTURES IN IT! NOW WE’LL SEE IF WE GET ANY ACTION ON IT! MOM IS GOING TO PUT IT ON “CRAIGS LIST” WHICH GOES ALL OVER I THINK!
NOTHING FROM “HOYTE CHRYSLER, DODGE, JEEP IN SHERMAN, TEXAS” ABOUT THE SCREWED UP MESS THEY MADE OF THE INTREPID WHEN WE HAD IT IN THEIR SHOP ON THE 10TH OF JULY, 2008! I’M GIVING THEM TILL THE 31ST OF JULY 2008 TO RESPOND! IF WE DON’T HEAR ANYTHING FROM THEM BY THEN I’M GOING RIGHT TO CHRYSLER WITH THIS! CHRYSLER HAS NEW OWNERS AND FROM WHAT I’VE HEARD AND READ THEY WON’T PUT UP WITH THE KIND OF TREATMENT WE GOT AT “HOYTE’S!”
I WENT AND HAD MY HAIR CUT TODAY, IT WAS EITHER THAT OR GO TO THE COUNTY FOR A DOG LICENSE! MAYBE THE DOG LICENSE WOULD BE THE WAY TO GO? THEY’RE $1.00 FOR ME FOR A YEAR! MY HAIR CUTS ARE $15.00 EVERY 5-6 WEEKS! LOL!
MOM HAS BEEN DOWN HELPING KELLY GO THROUGH HIS TOOLS, PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE CASES THEY BELONG IN AND IN THE MANY TOOL BOXES HE HAS! GLENDA MADE DINNER FOR US AND BROUGHT IT UP!
I WAS GOING TO HAVE MOM HELP ME CHANGE THE SPARK PLUGS IN THE ACCLAIM! I WANT TO TAKE THE BOSCH 4s OUT OF THE INTREPID AND PUT THEM IN THE ACCLAIM! THE INTREPID IS PRETTY EASY, THE PLUGS ARE RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN! BUT, THE ACCLAIM IS MORE DIFFICULT, HALF THE PLUGS ARE ON THE BACK OF THE ENGINE AGAINST THE FIREWALL SO THE AIR CLEANER AND ALL THE THINGS ATTACHED TO IT HAVE TO BE REMOVED! THE INTREPID ENGINE IS SET INLINE THE ACCLAIM IS SET IN CROSS WAYS!
THE SMALL TOWN WITNESS
A SMALL TOWN PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS TO THE STAND IN A TRIAL - A GRANDMOTHERLY, ELDERLY WOMAN. HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, "MRS. JONES, DO YOU KNOW ME?"
SHE RESPONDED, "WHY, YES, I DO KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS. I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A YOUNG BOY. AND FRANKLY, YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE AND TALK ABOUT THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE A RISING BIG SHOT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T THE BRAINS TO REALIZE YOU NEVER WILL AMOUNT TO ANYTHING MORE THAN A TWO-BIT PAPER PUSHER. YES, I KNOW YOU."
THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, "MRS. WILLIAMS, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?"
SHE AGAIN REPLIED, "WHY, YES I DO. I'VE KNOWN MR. BRADLEY SINCE HE WAS A YOUNGSTER, TOO. I USED TO BABY-SIT HIM FOR HIS PARENTS. AND HE, TOO, HAS BEEN A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. HE'S LAZY, BIGOTED, HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. THE MAN CAN'T BUILD A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE AND HIS LAW PRACTICE IS ONE OF THE SHODDIEST IN THE ENTIRE STATE. YES, I KNOW HIM."
AT THIS POINT, THE JUDGE RAPPED THE COURTROOM TO SILENCE AND CALLED BOTH COUNSELORS TO THE BENCH. IN A VERY QUIET VOICE, HE SAID WITH MENACE, "IF EITHER OF YOU ASKS HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, YOU'LL BE JAILED FOR CONTEMPT!"
THE FIRE DOG
A NURSERY SCHOOL TEACHER WAS DELIVERING A STATION WAGON FULL OF KIDS HOME ONE DAY WHEN A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMED PAST. SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE FIRE TRUCK WAS A DALMATION DOG.
THE CHILDREN STARTED DISCUSSING WHAT THE DOG'S DUTIES MIGHT BE.
"THEY USE HIM TO KEEP CROWDS BACK," SAID ONE YOUNGSTER.
"NO," SAID ANOTHER, "HE'S JUST FOR GOOD LUCK."
A THIRD CHILD CONCLUDED. "NO SILLY, THEY USE THE DOGS TO FIND THE FIRE HYDRANT!"
TWO WISHES
A MAN WALKS UP TO THE BAR WITH AN OSTRICH BEHIND HIM, AND AS HE SITS, THE BARTENDER ASKS FOR THEIR ORDER.
THE MAN SAYS, "I'LL HAVE A BEER" AND TURNS TO THE OSTRICH. "WHAT'S YOURS?"
"I'LL HAVE A BEER TOO" SAYS THE OSTRICH.
THE BARTENDER POURS THE BEER AND SAYS "THAT WILL BE $3.40 PLEASE," AND THE MAN REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PAYS WITH THE EXACT CHANGE FOR PAYMENT.
THE NEXT DAY, THE MAN AND THE OSTRICH COME AGAIN, AND THE MAN SAYS "I'LL HAVE A BEER,"
THE OSTRICH SAYS "I'LL HAVE THE SAME."
ONCE AGAIN THE MAN REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PAYS WITH EXACT CHANGE.
THIS BECAME A ROUTINE UNTIL LATE ONE EVENING, THE TWO ENTER AGAIN. "THE USUAL?" ASKS THE BARTENDER.
"WELL, IT'S CLOSE TO LAST ORDERS, SO I'LL HAVE A LARGE SCOTCH" SAYS THE MAN.
"SAME FOR ME" SAYS THE OSTRICH.
"THAT WILL BE $7.20" SAYS THE BARTENDER.
ONCE AGAIN THE MAN PULLS EXACT CHANGE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND PLACES IT ON THE BAR.
THE BARTENDER CAN'T HOLD BACK HIS CURIOSITY ANY LONGER. "EXCUSE ME, SIR. HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO ALWAYS COME UP WITH THE EXACT CHANGE OUT OF YOUR POCKET EVERY TIME?"
"WELL," SAYS THE MAN, "SEVERAL YEARS AGO I WAS CLEANING THE ATTIC AND I FOUND THIS OLD LAMP. WHEN I RUBBED IT A GENIE APPEARED AND OFFERED ME TWO WISHES. MY FIRST WISH WAS THAT IF I EVER NEEDED TO PAY FOR ANYTHING, I JUST PUT MY HAND IN MY POCKET AND THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF MONEY WILL BE THERE."
"THAT'S BRILLIANT!" SAYS THE BARTENDER. "MOST PEOPLE WOULD WISH FOR A MILLION DOLLARS OR SOMETHING, BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE AS RICH AS YOU WANT FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!"
"THAT'S RIGHT! WHETHER IT'S A GALLON OF MILK, OR A ROLLS ROYCE, THE EXACT MONEY IS ALWAYS THERE," SAYS THE MAN.
"THAT'S FANTASTIC!" SAYS THE BARTENDER. "YOU ARE A GENIUS! OH, ONE OTHER THING SIR, WHAT'S WITH THE OSTRICH?"
THE MAN REPLIES, "OH, MY SECOND WISH WAS FOR A CHICK WITH LONG LEGS."
THAT’S “30” FOR THIS ISSUE.
HOWARD
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